Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree_p,

Just for reference, I see a psychologist periodically, and my conversation will generally go in different directions, getting part way through one story, the starting the next, and eventually getting back to the first (if I am lucky). It's a bit like a Billy Connolly show without the laughs, so if the conversation goes out somewhere then...

It sounds like you have done a lot in your life so far - a PhD, now doing a Masters, and elite level sports. And I am guessing somewhere you would have to fit in work. And then there is your gaming consoles and car(s). Were these purchases part of that masking process of the PSTD issues? But you then said that you have no time to play the consoles.

So with everything that did/do, I wonder if you had time to do things just for fun?

Me... I am a software developer working from home for a company based overseas. Even though I am married, with kids, my day would start when I woke up and "ended" when it was time to make dinner, and if the phone rang after dinner, I would answer it phone. In short, there were no fun activities in my life. Even though I still in that role at the same place, I currently only work 4 days from an office I share with someone else. Working from home can be flexible, but over time it can be damaging to an individual. In my work, if customers had problems and support could not work it out, the issue would be given to me to resolve. At this stage the customer would also be agitated. While I was working, I was also doing 3-4 things at once. Like my dad, I was a workaholic but I was probably worse.

I used to play MMOs, but like you have little time for that now. Plus there is also the that thing of rinse and repeat each level, just in a different setting/zone.

Currently reading 3 books mainly cause I cannot decide which one to continue with. On the app I told you about I play the Sudoku games before bed as a way of relaxing. It also has word puzzles. Without that I used to wake up at 2am and think about work.

Running out of space.

So yes, what you wrote was sorta what I was asking, but did not expect you to do it so promptly. I generally throw out questions that remain unanswered. But that's cool.

Consider this a connection in a virtual space?

Tim

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim,

The dream was a PhD, haven't done - sorry to confuse. Should've done by now.

I guess like you I don't do things for fun because can't seem to. I do exercise and try to keep physical health ok. Used to enjoy but don't anymore.
Partly I think I simply do not enjoy things anymore - always struggled to anyways, just gotten 20 times worse.
But I also know if I try to do things for me I feel guilty instantly.

Car was an opportunity buy that my dad was kind of on at me about. I'm happy with it don't get me wrong. But yes, it was a mask. It was only a week later I was admitted for a severe PTSD episode. Literally lost 30 something hours I could not account for and didnt show for my responsibilities (out of character for me) so welfare check went out. Involuntary commitment n then fight for discharge - they wanted 3 months, I can't cope in hospitals. But yeah, now no help at all as CAT don't want to deal with me at all.
Couldn't even make it in to my GP appointment last week. Just can't.
But oh well. Back at work, masking, managing. Except for at night. I don't cope. Because a game between intellect and thoughts.

Yeah I honestly am not reading atm, i should be, but yeah. Glad you are 😊

Do you enjoy being with your family? Does it help?

[smallwolf]

The game between intellect and thoughts... Is that like you being able to logically answering a question and then thinking, "ummm, that's not quite right". There was one time I was with psychologist, and I mentioned the lyrics from a song, and she asked me if I thought I was deserving of forgiveness. Of course I answered YES, but then there was a pause and I said BUT, and we continued that conversation down the other road. The constant fight between the logical answer and what we might truly think is frustrating.

On not reading... Can you listen to audio books? Was going to breakfast with someone last week and when we got into her car the audio book started playing (a little loudly!). I also convert pdf readings to mp3 so that I can listen to them on my phone.

The questions you asked me ... Yes and No. Like today, after church someone asked me if I had ruffled some feathers in the LA group. I replied and said Yeah, and then explained what happened. To me there was or should have been no issue. But from there to the shops, I was fixating on why these people did not talk to me, who else did they tell? what did they say? being excluded! I felt that I could do no right because of the situation. Not sure if I was angry at the other persons, myself or both. But in these sorts of cases it is hard to the explain to the wife what I am feeling. Sometimes when I do explain some things, I don't really get any response, and I think that is cause they won't know how to respond (compared to my psych*). My wife also has a thyroid condition ...

One thing my psych got me to do was related to walking. I have only been twice to the botanical gardens near my house, but it relaxing. While I might have my phone on me, there is no computer, no contact with staff, customers, family, etc.I can just walk around or sit on grass and watch the birds on the water. A time when I am truly at peace. My time.

So my question to you...

Do you know what it is that makes you feel guilty when you try to do something for yourself?

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

Yeah your on the right path with fighting between intellect and internal. The fun one at night is literally sitting there and arguing with self about suicide.

Audio books I have tried but struggled to keep focus. Maybe I should retry.
I'm like either like a rabbit or sloth atm lol.

Thyroid conditions can be tricky. Sorry congregation members are excluding you. Not a nice feeling i am sure.

In answer to your question.... thought required here lol.
Because it feels like a waste of time. Unless it's something I should be doing (work, study, exercise, obligations, eat), my time should be spent towards going somewhere- but where?
I just don't feel I deserve the time.
I really am struggling to explain, even with this non identifiable space. Sorry. I hate when I can explain what I mean.

It's partly why I don't seek help, when I can articulate things I don't feel I need help and can fix it myself, but when I can't speak, I want to scream but literally can't even get words out. Irony much

Sorry Tim

[Jojo100]

Hello Saree

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing with Lilly. I am sorry you are going through such a horrible time much like Lilly.

If you read my last post to Lilly you will see that I also really struggled with talking and expressing myself or even looking at people. Initially I tried group therapy, but found that too overwhelming.

I understand you are waiting for support. I would encourage you to keep a journal in the meantime and consider taking this to the psychologist or counsellor so that you can get across what you are going through. I understand fully the frustration of not being able to speak because I have been there.

I hope you will continue to find reasons to carry on. Help is out there. Stay safe & strong.

Best wishes

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Thank you, I did. And thankyou to for replying to Lilly. I am sorry, I have not really replied to you directly - I struggle and compartmentalise. It is much easier for me to help someone, but I am aware I do not wish to add to someone else's plate, so I compartmentalise as much as I can (e.g. Lilly's feed is for Lilly).

Thank you for your suggestion - can I please ask for your advice? I tend to find when I journal, I either have nothing to say or I go round and round in circles. Is there a way to keep this focused? In case you hadn't already guessed, on trouble is that I can literally write an essay (lol)

Hope you are well Jojo

[Jojo100]

Hello Saree

Don’t overthink journaling. Keep it simple it’s not much different to posting. You can stay focused by asking yourself a few relevant questions such as how you spent your day; what was positive; what was negative; rate your mood between 0&10; have a rant if you need to (but perhaps limit yourself to a maximum of a page a day rather than writing an essay!). You will soon find your rhythm.

Good luck

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo.

I will do what I can. Unfortunately, tonight will not be the night to start (despite what I should do). I'll be honest it's not a good night.

Thank you to both - I do apologise if I have wasted your time.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You definitely have not wasted my time. I am always here to talk if and when you feel like it. Sorry you are having a terrible night. Remember you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and stay safe.

Try and put on your to do list for tomorrow to buy yourself a new journal and a spiffy pen to match.

Wishing you well

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

I know I need to just make it through tonight, get to work for training, then work/sleepover and work - I have considered suicide during shifts, but the knowledge people are relying on me means I can not do it.

But I also know that if I simply do not show, I will be missed but not irreplaceable lol.

I do simply want to scream right now, I know I am nonverbal again - Jojo, how'd you get through this?

Tim, I am so so sorry. This is what it distils down to, an intelligent person that can not change jack shit. I have an IQ of 156 (apparently), yet I can not stop this crap. Instead, I view it as a curse. I remember nearly everything and what I do not remember I am scared about. I get treated like an idiot becuase of struggles, and then shunned because too difficult.

Both of you, what the f do I do? I have the means, the knowledge, and ability. I just know I am not supposed to - but why do we listen to that? I know intellectually this is supposed to pass, but I also know intellectually that it won't and it will get worse. I can't anymore, I just can't. What would you do?