Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree_p,

As JoJo said, you are not wasting our time, so please do not feel you have to apologise. I hope the night went OK and today is a new day...

You mentioned the arguing with yourself about suicide - for me and last year, this was when I needed to use that app I mentioned in the other thread. Sometimes it would take some time for a tool to work for me. One of the tools was a word search. I was somewhat disbelieving about when I first used it, and I did have to play it repeatedly but worked, and I worked out that you were only looking for positive words like

yes, courage, compassion, etc.

Not sure if you like that sort of thing? I know that some things/tools do not work for me.

In your answer to my last question about feeling guilty, in your reply you mentioned that you felt your time should be spent moving somewhere. If I said to you that by doing something for yourself, like sitting in the botanical gardens, that time would be allowing yourself to heal (allowing your inner self to move forward)? (I know that for myself slowing down is hard, yet necessary.)

Was there a time when you have allowed yourself to do something just for yourself?

Peace and comforting thoughts,

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Get a pillow and scream into it and when you are finished give it a few good punches too and let your frustration out. This really works and doesn’t hurt anyone! It’s such a release.

If I were you I would go and talk to my GP or write down what you need to say and take it with you. It must be so hard trying to keep it all together. Take your mask off for your GP. Let your feelings out. It’s not healthy bottling everything up and pretending to everyone that things are okay.

It doesn’t mean you will end up in hospital. It might mean you will get help sooner. Are you waiting to see a psychologist or counsellor?

Stay safe & strong. My thoughts are with you.

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim and Jojo,

I am so sorry, I did mean to let you know that I made it through the night. Poor excuse I know, but I just could not get up this morning until I had to get up and get housemate to the doctors and to work. Slack I know.

Jojo, I see a new GP tomorrow. I honestly have no idea how I will go or how much I will be able to divulge at all. I didn't really had a GP for a while, and the practice I was visiting was a waste of time. I honestly did not think I would make it through to the doctors appointment. Now that I have I am not sure I can do it.

Tim - I am still trying with the app, sometimes it takes me a while to adjust. I honestly struggle with the concept you proposed. I'll try to elaborate, why is there something wrong with me that I have to do that? why can I not cope? why am I so useless? what is wrong with me! I have never done things for myself really - I always try to keep others happy etc

Sorry guys, so sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You don’t have to say sorry and you were not slack you had things to do which is good.

I would strongly encourage you to keep the appointment with your GP tomorrow. Is there someone who could go along with you for support? I hate the waiting for an appointment and would advise taking something along to distract you such as your phone for games or plug into music to try and tune out where you are.

I mentioned before it is worth writing down exactly what you want to say and take this with you. You only have to share as much as you feel comfortable with, but please try not to make out you are fine because clearly you are not. You desperately need support.

Considering you have the strength to still go to work I have confidence in you to make this appointment tomorrow, although I realise it is a different kind of challenge.

You can do it - what have you got to lose? Take care of yourself & stay safe. Wishing you well and will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

It's where compartmentalised worlds are fine - Literally I ended up hospitalised and everyone was shocked because no one knew what was going on.

Unfortunately there is no one I can take - Instead I will be supporting someone else tomorrow for work and then personally for an appointment they have, I then have a half hour turn around. Tomorrow will either go well or really badly. I obviously didn't manage to get a diary today, today did not go to plan at all.

I do know I need help, but I do not know how to do the being honest etc without pulling the mask down. Pulling the mask down means a chaotic mess who should not be working, but I have already lost my study, if I loose work to I will literally have nothing left.

I know it all sounds stupid and weird, guess just so good at the mask. It's hard to explain too. I am sorry.

But you are right, I know its not good. I can't keep safe anymore - I do wonder how others can't see this. lol.

[Lilly99]

Hi saree ,

Good luck tomorrow with the gp. You are stronger than you realise.

Lilly.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You mentioned somewhere you are very good at taking care of everyone else and I can see this is certainly true. However, there comes a time when you have to put yourself first - it is not selfish, but self care, especially considering what you are going through.

There is no reason for you to go into hospital or give up work provided you can conduct yourself in a reasonable manner. That does not mean you are not allowed to be emotional. I have cried my eyes out at many a GP or psych appointment which was perfectly reasonable and healthy at that time, without being put in hospital. You are clearly willing to accept support which goes a long way in your favour.

What do you expect from the GP? They are not mind readers so you will have to share something that is relevant to where you are at. I sense you are capable of finding a way to do this without losing the safety of the mask completely.

Because it is the first appointment with this GP it is naturally a bit daunting, but most GPs realise new patients often feel a certain degree of anxiety and they will try to put you at ease.

I hope you manage to make the appointment and I hope it goes well because something has to change for you Saree. You can do this, you can get over this hurdle.

Take care & talk to you soon

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Lilly and Jojo.

Jojo, I really don't know what to expect. I was doing ok, yeah suicidal but ok, and then PTSD symptoms went into overdrive, and anxiety/depression sky rocketed and the next thing I knew I was having full disassociation episodes triggered by flash backs, sounds, or just anything. I wound up being forcibly hospitalised due to not attending university (out of character) and then yeah. Long story short, the only way I could get out was if I agreed to follow up with CAT team and a treatment plan for trauma. However what has ended up happening is very different, and I sit in this fun little world of if I don't do anything it wont matter, but I was supposed to (and I keep my word as a rule), but if I don't keep my word does it really matter. So what do I expect, I really do not know anymore. I have felt so far beyond help and this recent experience further cemented that. But then I feel like a hypocrite and my logical side will argue all the valid reasons and this will help etc.

Maybe that is the answer Jojo, I seek the answer of validation. One way or another.

I know they are not mind readers, but I also have never really been honest or open with anyone about stuff. I think the most I have managed is a factual blurt like a chef reading an order docket. As soon as you mention truama history, it is like a frenzy day.

I did have half a mind to take in the Involuntary Order that was written up so the GP could read through, but then know the judgement between the written version vs the person sitting in front of him.

Sorry Jojo, I may have made a complete ramble of that, sorry. I guess I am scared. I a) do not really want to go or do this, but know I can not simply just keep going, but b) I am terrified of being left to my own devices to sort this out. So quite simply, if there is no real plan of action etc, I know I can not continue this way anymore.

I honestly have half a mind to delete all that I have typed, but I won't - typing it has been the first thing that has calmed my anxiety slightly all day.

[smallwolf]

Me again,

I noticed from your last post that you wonder why people did not see what was happening. My answer to that is the we are good at wearing a mask, and if we are really down, others might not care (?) to ask, or don't know what to ask. There was a time recently when my father was so down that he figured he was better off dead. While I could see that things were not good for him, and we spoke about getting help, it was hard for him to open up. The day he told me, was the same day that he told the doctor, and mum was with him at the time. Later that day, mum commented to me that she did not know he was that bad. What you cannot see....

You said that you would have problems being honest...In some ways you are being honest in what you put in your posts. While you won't go into any details, and that's OK, it sounds like you are wrestling with some big issues. And if you have high standards of yourself, and now see yourself as broken, then your other thoughts are natural. And I would ask you the question, that if you were to get help, why would you lose your job? You are smart, and I would guess good at your job? So...

Brene Brown also spoke about vulnerability. But I think you might know that already. Her TED talk(s) are on YouTube if you are interested. Let me know what you think?

Tim

[Saree_p]

Hi Tim,

I am good at my job, hence why I still have it. I did take a massive step back career-wise when moved state, but I enjoy my work. The issue is it is demanding work that generally has the potential to set off a lot of PTSD issues.

My boss was contacted upon my admission to hospital so it could be found out how I had broken down so quickly and badly - without my permission, I will add. However, because I kept everything hidden, no one knew there were issues - so this resulted in me being reined into the office upon my return. Whilst they never want me to go - I have been assured, the question of liability comes into play. They simply could not believe I could deal with what they deem a crisis situation literally 4 days before my admission, and then become such a mess. And the reality I live in a small community and word travels far, so how much am I going to damage the company.

My work will work with me, but I reassured them everything was ok and I would flag issues if need be. I can't afford for anything less than I am 100% to get back to them really.

I am as honest as I can be in my posts, I do not feel I need to keep a mask up - it is easier. I am not sure why. Every time I try to do this with actual people (as in visibly seen), my default is to hide it and be a bit of a jester. So I could try to do the breakdown in front of people, but unless its already occurred - which means I am not going anywhere and can not move. Then I can not seem to get the mask down.

Thanks Tim, I did go down the rabbit whole with BB 🙂 I do tend to do that. She is amazing and right - I just do not know how to.

Hopefully that all makes sense Tim