Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Greys]

Hi Saree_p

I'm sorry to hear your struggling at the moment I'm not doing that great myself. I wanted to reach out to you because i have the similar problems. What i've found helpful is keeping my mind busy doing stuff that makes you think about other things. Like I play word games it forces me to think about the words instead of the bad thoughts. I hope this helps a little and if you need to talk more people on the forum are great.

Let me know how you go.

Grey's

[Saree_p]

Thanks Grey's.

I normally do, I am just getting to the point that I am so tired I am struggling.

Is there something that helps u keep going?

[Greys]

I'm struggling with what gets me through at the moment. I'm not really sure whats keeping me going at the moment, i guess the thought of good stuff happening in the future. To be honest i've really been struggling with self harm thoughts and suicide thoughts over the past few days. But i guess we just have to keep pushing through I find going to work seems to help once i'm there but its a struggle to get there. Sorry i don't have any better answers you just have to keep trying and i find therapy helps.

Grey's

[Saree_p]

It's okay Grey's.

And thanks 🙂

I hope we can both find a way through.

[Saree_p]

Today has been shit.

My purpose for existence and the one thing that has kept me going has been removed. I thought I would cope a lot better, but am not.

Needless to say, the dark thoughts are there, worst than I thought possible. I simply do not know what to do. In between dissasociating, panic attacks, PTSD stuff, my purpose has been removed. Whats the fight for anymore?It's a battle between myself and my head. I know who is going to win this one out.

[blondguy]

Hi Saree

I'm sorry to be a late poster in your thread.....You are in a lot of pain (anguish) and I understand what you are going through. Please dont 'fight' or 'battle' these thoughts/symptoms as it will only exacerbate your symptoms

I was an idiot and didnt have regular therapy for 10 years thinking I could 'self heal'...It only made my anxiety worse. I thought that six monthly appointments were 'having' counseling....I was so wrong

This is my 38th year with anxiety followed by clinical depression......and its a horrible place to be in even though in recovery and see my GP 4 weekly for a 'fine tune' as well as seeing my psychologist every quarter

I really hope you can find some peace soon Saree

you are not alone

my kind thoughts

Paul

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

Tagging your thread for now.

One of your last posts in the other thread mentioned things that keep/kept you here. Some of those are things I identify with. Last Thu I was with my psychologist and had one on those breakthrough moments (I think). I am extremely self critical (and not used to self-compassion) for a number of reasons, but played that game of what you tell your younger self. I would find out that I think of myself as stupid, and that is a result of things from my school days. Despite that I have a Masters degree, started a BTh and now 1/2 through a counselling diploma. Part of this is to prove to myself and others that I am not stupid, plus I want to help others in a similar place to myself.

Someone suggested I listen to Brene Brown. And I did. At one time she was looking for a therapist for herself. Her friends commented they would hate to her therapist. And again for myself, I can argue against myself quite well. So when it comes to self-compassion it feels forced for myself, and the mind can tell me not to believe it.

Last bits on me... father, married, 2 teens and a cat and live in the city.

The word in that post that interested me was vulnerability. I know that Brene wrote a book on this very topic. Now I won't ask you what terrifies you about it, but that would seem a tad early in our discussion. There is an ember inside you that has not gone out yet, and I hope that one day it will turn into fire so that your reasons to live return to you. If it is OK with you, I would like to chat with you about dreams, life and anything else that might come up. You story is worth telling and I am listening to you.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[Saree_p]

Hi Again,

Thanks Paul, I am kind of completely over it at this point. Coffee with my family today made feel so much worse too.

I came across Brene Brown a while ago myself - however, after you mentioned her yesterday, I did google and watch her. I sat and watched the Netflix special last night (instead of my impending assignment I just can't start) and I think it was the first time in ages I actually genuinely laughed.

I will admit, I am the worst person for self-compassion. All I see is all that I could've done and what I haven't done. I do try to be ok with myself and do all that self-compassion stuff but then it just feels like an excuse and that really I should know and do better - if that makes any sense.

Tim, I do not mind - at this point, I am happy to be guided in a conversation, I am aware I am not processing very well atm and may jump all over the place. the vulnerability is a heavy one lol, but I guess its the reason that people can not pick there is an issue - not even those I live with.

[Saree_p]

So let me attempt to start

Dreams
Used to be - graduate from university with a PhD for neuro and clinical psychology. Set up services and I guess a ranch styled therapy centre specialising in teens with HFA and AS - extended to teens at 'risk'. The concept was a specific speciality I have done a lot of work in, but not to the exclusion of anyone. I never used to but got to envisioning sharing a life with someone, and a family. Owning/building a house with land, out in nature. Ultimately, I have seen what is wrong with the world and the pain it causes. I wanted to make a difference. I then realised that I was missing the human connection myself and wanted to share it with someone (thought that was my ex - long story lol).

My life
that is a can of worms if I am honest. It has been an extremely long journey and apparently I am still young. I defiantly don't feel it, and the exhaustion is there.
I used to play four musical instruments (scholarship level, but dropped it all due to pressure and disapproval I wanted to follow academic pursuit). I played state level netball, enjoyed hockey for some time just for something different. I had an extensive library, slowly rebuilding it (despite my inability to currently read). I have multiple gaming consols (never have time, nor can I justify it).
Currently - I relocated state, back to the family after relationship ended last year (this was a bad idea), I rent with a housemate who I support. I was studying my Master's in Social Work, but that has just been put on hold. I work in disability support, and I generally get landed with the "difficult clients". Not long ago I brought myself what I would deem a luxury car, but is probably modest by most standards - but for me, it was considered a dream car really.
Ultimately everyday atm is filled with how much can I mask, how can remove or reduce the PTSD issues, and just trying to plan forward after everything has ended. I can't anymore I guess. The head in the sand approach I employed has ceased working.
Is this kinda what you were asking? Sorry. Just started typing and yeah.