"Over Thinking" or "Paranoid Thoughts"?

[Moonstruck]

I have a tendency to "over think" things (I hope you know what I mean by that) which can spiral into obsessive thoughts and imagining worst outcomes etc.

Just lately I have noticed myself perhaps going a step further when thinking over someone else's actions and/or words - assuming it is a direct personal assault on "me" . I dwell over and over on what they said, the tone of voice used, creating a scenario as to why they did or said a certain thing, what they could be "leading up to" or "covering up" something I need to know. I get more and more anxious as I "imagine" what will be next to happen - (it is always negative and scary). sometimes I imagine the conversations they "could" be having about me behind my back.

sometimes I feel like contacting him/her to have them explain if anything is wrong, and if I misconstrued anything -to reassure me all is OK. But I am too scared to do so, in case it makes things worse, in case they are embarrassed and try to avoid me in the future. . Hardly anyone knows I have such an anxiety problem at all - so I don't want to come across as a "mental case".....(LOL)

Is this sounding a bit paranoid to you? How can I stop imagining the worst possible scenario of events that "might" happen...it's seems so real to me even though I am making it up in my head.

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends

I know it may still happen - but don't know if I am strong enough to go through all that again! Best leave things as they are.

What has devastated me most is (I lay awake in bed last night and at last gave in to tears, calling out to"God"?....the universe? my inner self? Who knows.....with absolute frustration and defeat, that for all my positive thinking, work on myself, realising my worth, that I could indeed"have what i want"....ONCE AGAIN it was absolute obvious PROOF that I CANNOT TRUST MYSELF.

No wonder all these years I cannot take the advice "Go with your gut instinct...trust yourself, follow your heart". Is it any wonder? I tried this time, I really tried, I went with the flow, carrying out the necessary "action" steps with ease and smoothly...relaxed that all was working out effortlessly towards the goal...and it was proved yet again that I CANNOT TRUST MY INSTINCTS! I am useless at knowing what is best for me, let alone taking action towards it! I am back at Square One. Doing what I am told, not rocking the boat, letting others organise my life - it has reinforced my knowledge that whatever I choose...is sure to be the wrong choice.

I am so disappointed in myself, that I allowed myself to hope, to trust myself. Stupid stupid Moonstruck! When will I learn that I am the worst possible director of my life!! My confidence and self belief is ZERO.

[CMF]

Dear Moon,

I will be back later to post properley but please don't be do hard on yourself.

Another book for you to look at: the Power of now by Eckhart Toll it's about going from despair to delf realisation by taking control of you thoughts.

Sending you hugs Moon.

Cmf x

[Moonstruck]

I can't breathe. I just got off the phone making a work call...and you would swear I was a different person. I was cheery, positive, professional,capable, polite...the person on the other end would have had no idea I am falling apart. I am overbrimming with tears, crying at any moment, the strain of past weeks has all been for nothing - all my efforts, all my positivity - all for nothing. the peace I felt was an illusion. It was pretend- it wasn't real at all.

i cannot trust any good feelings any more. Any time I am feeling good, positive, joy, satisfaction, fulfilment, happiness - how will I know if I am just fooling myself...like this time?

How can i trust my happiness..ever again?. If it's all just pretend...if it's teasing me..."Ha Ha gotcha...thought things were going well didn't you? You idiot - gotcha again!"

I am lower than I have ever been in months and months. You are the only people I can tell all this to. There is no-one else who is strong enough to hear and read my pain. Please don't leave me.

[CMF]

Moon,

We will not leave you, we are here for you. I'm so sorry to hear you are in such despair. A fee months ago when things were better you were playing 'bowls'. Looking back what a diffrerence it made to you. I do hope you can resume when the time is right.

You can trust your good feelings Moon. Bumps in the road are not permanent. Please just keep talkig to us as much as you need.

Here for you Moon.

Cmf x

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

We are not going anywhere, so rest easy about that. You have a happy accomplished person inside you and it will come out - the time before it happens is hard.

As CMF says bowling is another aspect of your life and will return.

Just because you good feelings told you about doing something and there is a hiccup does not mean they are wrong, the idea is still sound, just circumstances have unexpected turns.

Croix

[Moonstruck]

I can't go on like this. I cannot find any calmness at all, any minute of the day.

A few days ago I decided to jot down as they happened, the "over thinking" that takes place from the moment of waking, about the most trivial things. I still haven't grasped that I am free to do what I wish going by this anyway. I decided to keep note of when I was feeling held back, guilty at every moment..(this is from my journal)

"NOW - writing this, is this an acceptable time to be doing this?

Upon waking - do I read while having my coffee, or watch the end of that DVD on my miniature machine here in the bedroom..which is the correct thing? Getting Up - Do I wash my hair and shower straight away, or wait till a bit later before I go to the Physio - which one is right? I must do that bit of computer work before lunch, or the boss might be angry - I might be late - or he might give me more work at the last minute and I won't be able to cope...better do it now! I HAVE TO do the work now!

I have to clean the courtyard again outside, it's all muddy after the rain - is it OK if it waits till tomorrow? What day will I go to Lynda's house? When will I ring B about that other matter? What if I can't find the right items I need downtown? Will I ring the business in town....or ask the small store in my suburb? will I walk outside yet? I have to check emails and Forum - that can take up so long. Hope I get enough time to get some work done. will I drive to Target and buy that vacuum? So many decisions. What if I make the wrong one? What if people don't like my choices? What if they hurt me? " ( excerpt from my journal last week)​

[JessF]

Hello Moonstruck, long time reader first time poster in your thread here. (Sounds like we're on the radio!)

I was moved to post when I read your diary excerpt, it sounds very exhausting as a 'readout' of what's going through your mind typically. I have had racing thoughts like these too. Getting them out in the open and shedding some light on them is a really good first step.

I wonder for a next step, and maybe it might even be helpful to try it here, what would happen if you were take one of those thoughts, perhaps the least troubling one for a start, and write a challening dialogue underneath it?

Overcoming these thought patterns is very hard work, but it all starts with processes like this. With practice, eventually you will find your mind is starting to do the challenging on its own without the writing.

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Jess. I just got a book suggested by Dr Kim from Forum..on Changing your Thoughts by Sarah Edelman. Not far into it yet...explains CBT. Do you know much about ACT....(Acceptance isn't it?) can someone explain the difference between the two and which is more effective, or may be, for me?

I feel so desperate and the need to speak out for help to friends, family, anyone - the man in the shop, the lady down the street, the postman... at those times that I cannot bear it any more...but have to be SO careful who I choose.

Some brush it off (and with love) as 'Oh you worry too much you silly thing"....or "When in doubt, don't"..(which in my case means I would do nothing , ever, even get out of bed or leave the house!! but they don't KNOW that). they miss the point entirely. I feel like screaming I AM IN TROUBLE HERE...READ MY LIPS! So I don't mention my extreme pain and confusion and despair to anyone - they invariably make me feel worse by trivialising my desperation - who can blame them?

They are not trained professionals - this is not the "me" they know. "It'll all blow over - do something to take your mind off it"...the platitudes could go on and on.....no wonder people do desperate things...No one takes me seriously so I suffer in silence...except on here and thank God I have you all.

What does the phrase "it was meant to be" actually mean to you? Or "it wasn't meant to be"... What the hell is that? "If it's meant to be, then it will happen"....as Pauline Hanson would say "Please explain"

[JessF]

Yes, I don't think anyone who doesn't have that ticker of repetitive anxious thoughts running through their head constantly can understand what it's like. Funnily though, as dismissive as it feels, the 'do something to take your mind off it' can be a useful tool to use.

CBT is mostly about the challenging exercises that I described above. ACT works more with the principle of, "Ok I'm having these thoughts, but are they actually helpful to me?" And working from there about getting into a state of awareness and acceptance about them. This isn't about fighting the thoughts, it's about accepting they are there and getting on with things anyway. So it's a 'acknowledge the thought and keep doing things anuyway'. The principle being that the thoughts dissipate by themselves if you don't give them power by paying deep attention to them. There is a good book called The Happiness Trap that explains it well.

Personally I have found tecniques from both to be useful. It's a good idea to read up on both and see which resonates with you. Sometimes you may find that a thought needs to be challenged, sometimes it may be better to accept it's there and move on - abit like when you get a headache. It's annoying, but it does pass. ACT teaches you to keep moving forward while acknowledging the headache is there, rather than stopping dead in your tracks and thinking only about the headache.

[Moonstruck]

I will look up the book you mentioned. somehow I have a funny feeling that the Acceptance way would be better for me. CBT which involves challenging the thoughts..could actually give me more to get anxious about (if you follow me )..another "challenge" to overcome, when I am feeling so defeated already.

I don't feel strong enough at the moment to "challenge" anything - I heard someone explain meditating when the thoughts intrude...went something like this "Just recognise them and let them float on by....oh there's a worry thought..just let it drift in and out on its way"....I think this is more my style than trying to "fight or challenge" a thought...I have been trying to challenge them for a few days now and exhausted.