Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Guest_4643]

Feeling crappy lately, sorry everyone.

Tayla

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hanna and Paws, thankyou! I do still have a lot of down days or down moments. I'm getting better at accepting them and just going with it. It feels less about the fella and more about the bubba now, so I think I didn't get to grieve properly for her, with everything going on with him. I could say it wasn't fair, but life isn't. I think we all know that. Thanks for the support and hugs xx

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey Tayla (Hi Simon and anyone else visiting)

Anything you want to talk about? I had a look on your thread but didn't see anything. Sorry you're feeling down...

[Guest_4643]

Hi Katy. Congrats on becoming a Valued Contributor.

It's just stuff with my GP. She sent a letter to my Psychiatrist (it's on my file on the website I do Telehealth on for my Psychiatrist), & it sounded rude & sarcastic.

Some of the stuff she wrote made me sound like the bad one. She says I haven't done anything to help myself as in getting a job, meeting people, etc. all of that is a complete lie because I've done everything I can, & I've told her this.

Then she says that I don't know the difference between Psychiatrists & Psychologists, but I do. I told her that my Psychiatrist gives me therapy & Medicare pays for it (I digitally sign a form after every session with my Psychiatrist). My Psychiatrist even said himself, word for word - "I want to help you & give you therapy myself, not just prescribe you medication". I told her this.

She also wrote that i said she doesn't communicate with my Psychiatrist, which she should be doing by law. I have to go in there to see my GP just to say the stuff that's written on my reports. She doesn't even know the meds I'm taking. But of course she doesn't say anything about herself. She makes me look like the bad one.

I've already been scared that my Psychiatrist doesn't want to see me anymore although he's never said that's to me or her, now I feel like that even more. I feel like he'll be annoyed & not like me anymore. I've always been nice to him because he's always been nice to me.

She also wrote in the letter that I just want to see my Psychiatrist, no one else. That makes me sound like I'm trying to make him uncomfortable. I mean it in a way that he's the only therapist who has ever been nice to me & helped me, so I'm thankful & I want to keep seeing him without being a burden like I already feel.

I guess I'll find out when I see my Psychiatrist again on Feb 18. As for my GP, I guess I'll cancel the appointments with her. My parents & I are looking into going to a whole new doctor's clinic, it's 30 mins away but there's MANY more doctors, a bigger place & they actually have people with qualifications & a few doctors that focus on mental health.

Love & hugs to you & everyone.

Tayla

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hey Tayla

For a start you should never feel like a burden to a professional who's job it is to help you. Sometimes I feel like I should ask my psychologist about her life, and then I remember she's getting paid to listen to me. It's literally meant to be a one-sided relationship. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't want to continue seeing you, and I doubt what your gp said will have any bearing on that either. I'm sorry it's such a long time between sessions and you need to wait to find that out for yourself though.

It sounds like a good idea to switch gp if you're able. Not all gp's are good with mental health. I had to try a few also. Once you've found a good one, they'll be a part of your support team, not someone that makes you feel bad about yourself or inadequate. So try not to let it get to you too much if you're able. You know what's the truth and what's not. Just focus on you and what you makes you happy, and look forward to seeing your psychiatrist.

Did you end up getting that book he recommended? I wonder if you did and you found it helpful at all? I'm currently reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle and am really enjoying it.

Hugs, Katy

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, girl I think you are doing amazingly well. You're studying your university course. You're helping to support people on BB. You're getting out and about to the beach or the library etc and you met up with that lady who gave you the textbook. Give yourself a real pat on the back for managing so well after such losses as you have had.

The rotten horrible days will happen, and I hope you always know to ring Lifeline or somewhere like that if you are feeling unable to cope - or vent on here which is what we're all here for. I know with those bad days it's just a matter of trying to hang on - by your fingernails sometimes.

I think one day you will emerge from all this and realise that you can manage fine, that the hurt of losing your bub and your partner won't go away but you might find that you are content to stay single, or find a partner who is someone you can truly rely on. I remember reading a wonderful article once about what sort of man should a woman look for after a breakup/divorce, and the writer said "a man who is kind, a man who is kind, a man who is kind". Which is what you deserve dear lady.

I have not been through losing a bub, but very young I had a tumour in my uterus and could never have children. When I was at the age when all my friends were having children it was awful. For years I couldn't bear to see pregnant women or babies, it just all brought back what I could never have. I remember sitting in my GP's surgery one day and just sobbing because every other woman I worked with was expecting a baby and I was the only one single and who could never have a child...

So don't underestimate just how much you have gone through very recently, and just how amazing it is that you are managing with what you are doing - Uni, BB, getting around out and about, dragging yourself through the awful down days and then getting back up and trying again. Huge hugs OK because you really, really deserve them and need them.

HUGS HUGS and the furry ones are from little Sam. xxx

And come back and let me/us know if you need support/help/venting/whatever, OK? Hugs again. xx

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hanna

I really appreciate what you've written. I can't quite work out why it's so nice to hear people tell me that I'm managing ok, but it really is. So thankyou for saying so. I love the idea of a kind man. All I ever wanted was for my ex to be nice to me. I think my needs in that area are pretty simple.

So, so sorry that you were unable to have children. I can't even imagine how tough that would have been for you.

I've been thinking about acceptance a lot lately. I'm going to have a chat to my psychologist at my next appointment about it. I might even do some googling and see if I can find something helpful.

Meanwhile, I've had a cry day. The sort of cry day where you get on with things, but silent tears just fall down your face as you go about your business. Crying in Bunnings.. crying while hanging the washing out... I'm getting used to crying a lot.

Hugs back (yes I need hugs!). And thanks again for your kind words x

[Hanna3]

Crying is cathartic dear Katy - it's much worse to hold those feelings back inside. You've got to let them out. Plus remember, you've had a bookless day! That's pretty horrendous!

I've had plenty of days like that, not over the same losses as yours of course, but enough to know that time, time, and more time, is what will help. You ARE doing well. Amazingly actually. That doesn't mean you aren't permitted to have absolutely awful, horrible, dreadful days. They're the days you hang on by your fingernails, at least that's what it used to feel like to me when I had/have them.

Being childless is OK now - at age 45 I suddenly felt OK about it. I can enjoy babies and children now, although they still remind me of what I never had, but I've learnt to accept that that is how my life is. I was helped very much by a wonderful book about not being able to be a mother that I read years ago - all I can remember about it now is that it said there are many ways to nurture. So I've nurtured gardens, flower beds, friendships I hope - stray dogs, a duck once!

You have to grieve, give yourself full permission to do that and feel horrible - but the moments and times when things feel better, moments when you feel happy or content or even just a bit, a tiny bit, more peaceful, will happen. HUGS from me and HUGS HUGS from Sam. Pats to Storm.

And get to that library when it opens. Deal? xx HUG

[Guest_4643]

Hi Katy, I'm sorry that I'm just seeing this & replying now.

Thank you for your reassurance, I really hope he still wants to see me, & I hope he understands & listens to my side of the stuff with the GP, because that's the truth. I hope he doesn't agree with her & hate me.

As for the book, I purchased it today, called Beating The Blues.

I hope you're alright.

Hi to you also Hanna.

Love & hugs to you both & everyone else here.

Tayla

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Absolutely no point wishing things were different, because things are just what they are. But I do anyway. And I feel so incredibly sad today. Gosh it hurts 😞