Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Thought after replying to you on my thread I'd check you on yours. You do sound down poor thing. Has anything in particular brought this on? You were very anxious about Uni starting...

Anything you want to talk about love? Or just need someone to be here? I'm here and Sam's here with slightly damp furry hugs after a walk in the rain (that's rare for us here!).

I'll come back and check on you OK? Anything you need to get out? Or I'll just come back and sit like Paws does! HUGS HUGS xxx

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

Giving you a gentle hug lass. Grief is hard I've found. For you here & now it is still a raw open wound which hurts so much. You are possibly tired of people telling you this but.... wounds do heal with time.... the loss will always be remembered.... but without the intense pain & sadness you feel now.

I know that doesn't really help in the here & now. I wonder if making something like a small memorial garden in a large pot (in case you move) might be something you could work on. Not just putting a couple of plants in....but making a miniature landscape.... filled with whimsical things....

With something like that it will take time to plan, hunt for things you want to include & create it. It's a small way of working through your grief as you work to make something beautiful in memory of your bub.

Lass if you need to talk, I'm happy to listen

more hugs

Paws

[Guest_4643]

Hi Simon, I'm not sure if I replied to your comment, sorry.

I have failed people here, including before. But thanks for your kind words.

And no one cares at all, but thanks for that also.

About finding a GP, I've been looking around. I don't even see the point of me seeing a GP anymore anyway. I give up with just everything.

Yes you can call me Tayls, that's cute, thanks.

Love and hugs back,

Tayla

[Hanna3]

Katy, if I have things right, then you are suffering from a loss that doesn't get much talked about for some reason. Have you had people to talk to about your loss at all? Apart from your psychiatrist - have you been able to talk with other women about it who have suffered a similar loss? A nurse? A grief counsellor, chaplain, whoever?

When I worked for an obstetrician years ago he used to sit with women who lost children due to stillbirth or miscarriage and cry with them. I think that was one of the best things he could have done. He really did care.

I wish I could help... I can sit here and hold your hand while you cry …. just like he did - except I have to do it here... so I'm holding tight...OK? And you cry as much as you need... it's a huge loss. I am so so sorry.

I'm still holding your hand OK? We do care xxx hugs hugs hugs hugs

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Yes. I think the problem is that the person who knew her name, and all the things I wanted to teach her, isn't here to share in the grief process with me. It's like she's a little secret. And I don't even want to share those things with anyone else anyway. So that's a mess.

And today I caught up with a family friend this morning, and then had lunch with another friend, and I told them both I'm ok. But I'm not ok. So it's like this cognitive dissonance, and it was really uncomfortable (for me). And though I enjoyed the catch ups, I really had to come home and admit I'm not ok, and just cry.

I don't really know what I need. I have talked to 3 other women who have experienced loss, and that was nice, to share. And I have my psych. But I don't know. Maybe it's just time. Maybe it just hurts, and it just needs to hurt for now.

Thanks for caring. Both you and Paws.

[Guest_4643]

Does anyone want to talk with me?

[OceanWhispers]

I'm sending you huge hugs and loads of love Katy xx

[Hanna3]

OK I just read through what you've said twice, carefully, Katy. Hugs.

Let me think on all that for a while. I understand the cognitive dissonance. I understand not wanting people to know things, and at the same time feeling alone with it all. And the loss of the person you should be sharing this all with.

I need to think about it for a while. This is a difficult grief you have to bear. I will check back tomorrow. Meantime I am still (metaphorically at least) holding tight to you dear lady. And sitting with you. Here.

You have courage in spades dear lady. I don't think you realize that. And your loss is huge and raw and complex.

So I'm just going to sit and think for a while, and sit here with you. I hope that is OK.

The lovely obstetrician I knew used to sit with people and cry with them. Then he would come back and go into his office and cry on his own. So I'm going to have a little private cry for/with you, and come back tomorrow.

Small gentle hugs meanwhile. xx hugs

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Thanks so much for caring, all of you x

I need to give some thought to Paws' suggestion. One of the ladies I spoke to who had suffered a loss said the same thing, and I wasn't quite sure how my "special thing" would look, so I didn't do it. I did do something special for my ex/partner, that was intimate between him and bub, but I need a me thing. (I really wanted a tattoo funnily enough but I'm chicken. I've never had a tattoo before). I'm going to work on it.

Thanks for holding space for me, and for nice hugs x

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

I was going to get back to you later today (it's about 10am here now). I thought Paws' suggestion was really nice too. I'm glad you're giving something like that some thought. I understand about the tattoo I'm a wuss about getting one of those two - worry about infections etc etc! Anyway as I get older they're not a good look when your skin goes crinkly....!!

I wanted to write properly and not in a rush over a late breakfast as I was thinking about you last night. So I'll get back to you later today. I think you are suffering a very lonely loss, your visits to your psych at six weeks apart are not supportive enough - you really need weekly or fortnightly for a while - and I was thinking of all the things you must be grieving.

Something special to remember your little one by - I think would be a lovely idea. I'll return later, wanted to check in and send another hug your way. xx