Not coping after disclosure

startingnew · ‎07-03-2017

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

Ggrand · ‎01-04-2019

Hello Little Butterfly,

I’m sorry that your struggling so much Little butterfly,,,

It sounds like you have quite a good mh team to help you manage a few different things..I’m pleased for you that you have some good support...

Im also having tests done on my heart in a couple of weeks..I hope so much darl that everything will be okay for you and your tests finds your heart 100% good...

A huge congratulations on completing your course with good marks plus your nearly finished the next course...well done sweety...

Please take the very best care you can of you Little butterfly...be gentle and kind to you and try as hard as you can Lovely dear Starts...to find at least 15 minutes a day to give yourself a rest from everything...Um..time for you to be on your own, to meditate or do something that you like..

Love and hugs..l🤗💜.

Grandy...

startingnew · ‎05-04-2019

Hi Peps, Grandy and DB xo

Peps- april is a really hard month, the days that most are off celebrating and are excited, I am to busy hiding and trying to get through the day. Its really hard, every yr we seem to be doing something chilled or fun but it never replaces the memories.
I spoke with the psych today and we didnt set a new task for exposure work but has still encouraged me to do it. I went in there-more like dragged myself in there, and she noticed it a lot too. Made some really tough realisations that are making me feel pretty crap and very pathetic.
Sometimes I think its to many specialists, I know they are trying to help but how much is to much...
my surgury is in november, but I have a lot of prep to do before hand esp when it comes to saving money for it. Its turning out to be rather expensive and im almost considering cancelling it. Its going to make people have even more time off work/school etc. wish I had a friend who I could call upon for this sort of thing, it wouldve made things a little nicer.

Thank you, yes ive finished one course but I thnk im going to drop out of the one im doing now. I ot my results back from one assignment and its so wrong it, imway off track. 2 weeks to fix it plus do the other assignment. Dont think ill get it finished. Not motivated or excited enough to complete this one...

startingnew · ‎05-04-2019

DB- I havent gotten an appointment for the womens health stuff yet, ive been on a waitlist and due to hear from them sometime this month to make an appointment. The surury is a major dental op comng up in november. Arms much better, not along of strength but doesnt hurt much anymore, only if I overuse it. My foot we are working on but I admittedly havent been keeping up with the physio. Im abit sick of it and unwilling to have to do it every day all my life to try and keep it painfree.

Yeah the heart stuff is a pretty big worry. I find out the results on monday. The blood tests didnt go well either. The first one I passed out and so I had to go back again but the second time they had to use 3 veins to get enough blood out because they werent flowing very well even though I had heaps of water to pump them up. Iv eonly got one vein thats used normally but it was already brusied so im abit covered in brusies atm, not really a good look but thankfully been cold enough to wear a jacket.
The mh help im getting im not finding that helpful to be honest. I dont really know whats wrong with me.
I miss you guys too, and Sez and Starwolf and a few that seem to have reduced their time here too. I often wonder what you guys are up to and hoping your travelling ok.

Yeah pops health has declined quite abit but respite doesnt look possible. Its my fault though-just like everything else.
Im thinking about dropping out of the course. Im failing anyway and I doubt I can make up the marks to pass now. Even with a tutor I still didnt get it right. I feel rather dumb and down about it.
Yeah, ive been doing more relaxation things like baths and breathing and even tryng to sleep more. Im worried but maybe those tests will provide an answer to why ive been abit sick too. I know heart conditions can cause a few other symptoms I have as well, ill soon find out monday though.

startingnew · ‎05-04-2019

Grandy- my supports are trying to help, it is me. I dont feel very helpable and sometimes the support is to much because each one gives me tasks to do whether its physical or mentally. I dont have much to do in the day honestly or nothing big but I still cant seem to accomplish them.

I hope your tests go well on your heart too, I find out my results on monday. It no longer bothers me if theres something wrong, im worried definently but its like 'add it to the list' sort of thing. Im abit use to reciving bad news or news that requires me to have even more tests.

Ive been taking time out of the day for myself but it doesnt feel too helpful either. I dont feel worth the effort even from myself. Im really tired so maybe its part of that too..

thank you everyone, sending much love, hugs and butterflies xoxoxox

startingnew · ‎05-04-2019

Grandy- my supports are trying to help, it is me. I dont feel very helpable and sometimes the support is to much because each one gives me tasks to do whether its physical or mentally. I dont have much to do in the day honestly or nothing big but I still cant seem to accomplish them.

I hope your tests go well on your heart too, I find out my results on monday. It no longer bothers me if theres something wrong, im worried definently but its like 'add it to the list' sort of thing. Im abit use to reciving bad news or news that requires me to have even more tests.

Ive been taking time out of the day for myself but it doesnt feel too helpful either. I dont feel worth the effort even from myself. Im really tired so maybe its part of that too..

thank you everyone, sending much love, hugs and butterflies xoxoxox

demonblaster · ‎06-04-2019

Dear SLD and everyone ☺

Sweetyheart your life has so much pressure and pain which is totally not fair how you're treated and cepended on.

I'm pleased hearing you're taking time out I know at this stage see it as temporary darling it's not any bigs but when you find your motivation mo jo it'll be some freedom for you time.

Finally your arm, darlin I really do know its hard not to do things at times but huns be so careful its still healing and if you step back with it more grief and longer healing.

Wow they put the dental back struth. Hope the pains subsided or been sorted.

Let us know if you want how Monday goes darlin. At least with heart theres a lot can be done and could explain tiredness and stress adds by stopping us sleep and constant worry.

Sweets fair enough with the course maybe you could sometime go over it again and go it when you're ready. Dont give up on yourself darlin the way ahead is to back ourselves and believe we can get through it opens pathways as self doubt closes them.

We believe in you Starts you're a youngen with a great heart not being smart ☺ determination and tons of courage.

It really sads me hearing you don't think you're worthy, time for Aunty SL DB to step in. One good thing about yourself I'll be patient for the most but gently (yeah right 😄 remind you at times. Sweetheart if we like ourselves it totally changes the game.

We like/love you so there must be something you've got going for yourself little wings 🤗

Here's a couple for when you need em darling 🤗🤗 come on sweety 🤝 start believing in the good sweet deserving person you are. People and beasty tell you different, we believe them because beastys convincing. No more girl this is your life you have a right to be happy, it is achievable I know it seems like its not but it is.

Hey are you crocheting still? I know you finished Aunties one/s.

Good seeing you darling 😊

🤗😚🦋🌹

Peppermintbach · ‎06-04-2019

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

I am simply sending my love for now. I’ll be back to talk next week...

Hugs, butterfly blessings and much love

Pepper xoxox

Ggrand · ‎07-04-2019

Hello Little Butterfly.🦋..

Thank you so much for wishing my tests go alright, I’m booked in on the 18th of this month...I hope your tests went good and your results find your heart healthy..❤️💞..

I know your struggling darling..and I won’t talk to much..I can see that Deebi and Pepper have written you beautiful caring posts from their heart..and I can’t seem to be able to add anything else..but sweety know that I care deeply for you....Oh..yeah..now I remember what I wanted to tell you...

This afternoon I went outback to look at my watermelon plant and their was a few butterflies 🦋 flittering around the flowers on it..I hosed the plant and the butterflies kept landing on the leaves..I am thinking for a drink...after a few minutes of watching them I went inside..I made a cuppa tea and sat down in the lounge room...

My 2 dogs were sitting together with their backs to me..and making funny noises,tilting their heads. looking at something outside...Apprentice Private detective 🕵️‍♀️ Grandy further investigated and seen a butterfly had landed on the inside of my front screen door...It was a beautiful butterfly..I haven’t seen many around here this year because of the drought..The butterfly was blue with black around the wings...I opened the screen so it could fly away...🕊 ..It did..I wanted to let you know how blessed I felt having a butterfly in my home, and that it reminded me of you...

Isn’t it strange, when ever I see a butterfly I immediately think about how your feeling..How are you feeling little butterfly?.....

Sending you some love and caring hugs..💜🤗..

Im also if it’s okay..just going to sit with you tonight and keep you company if you need some...

Grandy..l

demonblaster · ‎08-04-2019

Thinking of you darling.

All the best for results for your heart sweet 🤝

Btw I know how hard it is to do things I havent yet worked out or learnt how to apply.

Go easy on yourself lovey 🤗😚🤝🦋

Grandy what a gorgeous 🦋 story loved it sounds gorgeous similar to my fave of Starts the Blue one.

Hows sleep going these days. No rush at all for reply love just look after yourself ☺🕊

Peppermintbach · ‎10-04-2019

Darling (and a wave to all),

Just sitting quietly by your side and wondering how you’re going. Is it okay if I ask how the test went yesterday?

As always, I feel things just keeping piling on for you. There’s so little space for you to breathe and just be...heartbreaking to know that...

Sigh, I know others around you tend to blame you a lot, and I know you internalise a lot of that blame too. But, lovely one, the issues that the people/your loved ones are having are not your fault...it’s beyond your control. Sadly, they seem to have made you their scapegoat...

In my opinion, you already go above and beyond with all that you do for them. You’ve given till you’ve little left...

As for your studies, I think they can be challenging at best, even with few other responsibilities. So in your case, with all your carer duties plus health and physical health issues, it’s no wonder you’re struggling to keep up.

I don’t feel it’s a reflection of intelligence. I believe you have plenty of that, but perhaps it’s more a matter of not having the time, motivation, etc because you have so many other pressures...

I am sending warm hugs, more butterflies and endless love. Though not with you in person, I’m always with you in spirit...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox