Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Evening my wonderful friends


yesterday and today have been abit rough but going okish tonight just mostly really tired.


Yesterday I went to the gp for scripts and to discuss meds and was shut down and said to speak to my reg gp. I tried to make an appointment with my gp but shes nto avaliable for 2 weeks.. so I havent taken my medications for now 3 days and I cant get in to see my gp and my psychiatrist doesnt prescibe meds nor can I afford $300 to see her so im really not sure sure what to do. These are very high doses so its not like I can wean off them in a week or 2 then start back on them again.
I really am not sure what to do.


I got a quote for my car which took them 2 days to figure out and its going to cost me $1300 (labour included) so that is a huge stressor. Thankfully I can still drive it but I have to limit reverse (because it doesnt go in gear) and just limit a lot of driving. Im really stressed about this and im not sure how im going to save up when ive got to pay off other bills. Im hoping maybe in a month or 2 I can get another loan oh and with chrissy around the corner it makes it even more stressful!
Im not sure on what else I can do to save, im already working the second job, trying to crochet items, sell things (in amogst other work, family commitments, study, making baby blankets and just general living.


So today has been really busy keeping distracted which inluded washing, cleaning up and mowing the backyard, doing the animals, an hr at the horses, buying some horse feed, picking up my car, grocery shopping, advertising things for free and for sale and waiting for people to pick things up and changing all the bed sheets so both myself and pop have got fresh sheets now. Super duper busy!


My mothers angry at me because I dont want to go to sisters school thing. I go to every bloody one of them and I dont like them. I said I would go for half and hr and then im leaving. Starting to get sick of doing this school crap. it feels like i cant have my own life because ive always got to go do things for everyone.

[startingnew]

Dear Pepper girl


hmm im not all that sure of other breeds of butterfly in that colour and I guess it depends on where you are as well . Different weathers etc. either way im really glad they make you smile when you see them. I wish I could see some more, I havent seen many, I havent even seen any willy wag tails!
I totally get the hard to descirbe every thing kinda feels abit messy sort of feelings. I do hope it passes for you soon or you can work through some things that are upsetting you. Ill have a read of your thread and catch up there as well.


Ah yes the beach can be quite refreshing. I tend to go and sit in the car for a while and watch the waves. I hope you can get there soon. Ive brought my own little pot plant to nuture and its starting to open. Ive got a few buds to go yet.


Love hugs and butterfly wishes
Dusk till dawn
xoxoxox

[startingnew]

Dear Grandy
I love hearing butterfly stories and that is so sweet they make you smile. They make me smile too, they just seem so peaceful fluttering around.

I dont like storms when they are big. Just the minor ones suit me ok except lightning. I really am scared of them! Hiding under the blankets sounds like a very good idea to me!

Love, hugs and butterfly wishes
xoxoxox




Dear SL
thanks for keeping an eye on me. I appreciate it.
Ive hurt my back and ribs again because of too much work but I dont have any work over the next 2 days- not physically anyway but I think it was more because ive been tossing and turning to much in the night as im not really sleeping that well.
I hope all this hard work is worth it in the end. Im starting to think its not but will just have to keep trudging on I suppose.


Love hugs and butterfly wishes
xoxoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

Oh, of course you want your own life. You’ve been running after your sisters, and helping your mum out since the beginning of time.

I’m pleased to see some of that inner fire in you 🙂 That’s right, you stand your ground about going for only 1/2 an hour to your sisters’ school thing. You do more than your fair share for your family, and you’re right, that really is stopping you from having your own life...

I feel everyone expects so much from you, and they also seem to take it for granted that you exist just to help them. But you don’t...you’re allowed to say no, you’re allowed to rest and you’re also allowed to do things just for you...

I know you keep trying to get one step ahead but some unexpected or new expense keeps popping up. I feel for the stress and pressure you’re clearly under...you’re doing all you can (and then some) to get on top of your finances, yet some new bill keeps demanding to be paid.

Sighs, gentle hugs...too much to pay but not enough funds. That’s always very rough...

About your meds, I’m wondering if you might like to try giving the Medicines Line a call. They collaborate with Health Direct, and are a national phone service answered by registered nurses who can help callers out with medicine related questions. Maybe you might like to try looking them up and calling them about your meds situation...

It’s a shame you haven’t seen any more willy wagtails. Hopefully they’ll pay you a visit soon 🙂

I’m not too familiar with the different types of butterflies either. I normally just describe them by colour. lol!

Thank you for your understanding and kind words too. It means a lot, lovely one...I’m with you about the beach being calming. Maybe next time you’re at a beach, you can think of me. I’ll do the same 🙂

Much love and affection plus squishy big sis hugs...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Afternoon pepper girl and everyone


thanks Peps, I only went for about half an hr and then come back home. Ive been on a bit of mission the past few days cleaning. Ive cleaded and mowed the backyard. It was starting to look like a jungle! Cleaned all up out the front and inside my house, listed things for free and for sale and dealt with those as theyve come.
Today I took one of my sisters to the horses as the others got a cold so is at home resting, been studying and trying to get some more crochetting done. Next weekend my sisters are at a show and we are camping overnight so I wont be around next weekend.


And yes your right, someone always expects something from me. I dont receive msgs unless someone wants something. My youngest sister chose someone else over me as well because im boring and I never do anything with them as said by both her and mum which was really quite hurtful. I just feel so responsible for everyones happiness that it triggerrs me quite badly if they arent happy.

Im going to go down to my drs tomorrow, they are open until 12 so im going to go down there and see if they will write a script for me. A few days is better than over a week thats for sure. But thank you for the suggestion, if this gp doesnt write one ill give them a ring.


I seen a white butterfly today AND 2 willy wagtails. The little blue ones I told you about. The butterfly seemed to like my newly blooming flowers so maybe they will come around my house a little more..


im always thinking of you lol but ill add the beach to the list 😉


hugs, love and many butterfly wishes
Dusk till Dawn
xoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello little butterfly...

I just read your list of the things you done, you have been so very busy....I hope your back and ribs are okay after so much hard physical work...

I hope you got to see your dr and got some scripts written out....If we need urgent scripts here and our dr is busy, they will write one out for you for $10.00 with even seeing you......shows you how much our drs care...

Willy wagtails are so cute, not much bigger then butterflies really....I have tiny little sparrows that live in a red bottle brush tree just off my front veranda, I feed and water the birds daily here, and they get up to so much fun playing in the bird bath...lol they even had a dirt bath once..Love birds so much....Oh...Oh..and butterflies of course....

Take care of you little butterfly and be gentle with yourself..

Sitting with you tonight...

Love and hugs 🤗💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

You’ve certainly had a busy weekend. Your cleaning was quite an accomplishment, I must say 😉

Oh, Little Wings, I can’t even comprehend how distressing it must be for you to feel triggered by others’ unhappiness. That sense of responsibility sounds heavy...

I know it’s infinitely easier in theory than in practice, but you aren’t directly responsible for your sisters’ or mum’s happiness. I realise because of your upbringing and your triggers, you feel responsible, but ultimately I don’t feel you can be held accountable...not really...

I feel sad that your youngest sister and mum made those hurtful comments. I’m so sorry they said those things...you try so hard to make sure your sister is entertained and happy, so for her to say those things must have really stung.

I suppose a small comfort is that she’s very young, so maybe she just doesn’t quite understand a lot of things yet. But, sigh, I feel your mum doesn’t really have that excuse...she seems to just take you for granted. You do so much to help her and your sisters, yet the impression that I get is she just criticises and demands...gentle hugs from me

I’m very happy you saw a white butterfly last weekend. Me too! Your pretty flowers sound like a magnet for butterflies 🙂

It’s great that the blue willy wagtails are making an appearance again. No just 1 but 2! I think that’s great...

How did your appointment go yesterday, if it’s okay for me to ask?

Much love and gentle big sis hugs...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

HI little angel,


the physical things are going ok for the moment thankfully. Im still rather busy preparing for this weekend coming. I really just want it to be over and done with really. It just brings up a lot of stuff as well and makes me really anxious at the events- and im not even the one riding!


I managed to see the dr, he wrote out a scipt and made it monthly instead of weekly to hopefull save abit of money and also the annoying weekly trips to the chemist.


The birds are cute, I quite enjoy watching them jump from branch to branch in the bushes. I dont have a bird bath but most of them around here just minor birds and they like to try and take my dogs biscuits. Weird creatures!

how are you going?

Sending much love, hugs and butterflies
xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Pepper girl


I always seem to be busy but I guess its not really a bad thing....


Yeah it is quite distressing, I guess I just have to learn not to worry so much. Family is tough, and I just feel stuck. I want my own life but I just cant have it. But then again if I did I wouldnt know what to do with it either.. People only talk to me when they want something or to crisize and while I dont mind sometimes its hard when it seems to be the only communication I have besides here. All well, ill have to add it to the list to work on I suppose...


Im sorry my posts arent as good as what they could be, I just feel so flat and just want to dissappear. I keep wondering where this better life is that others talk of... im not going anywhere but I just need a break from life would be good.
I threw up yesterday, im guessing because of stress. I usually have an stomach for most things but with pop grunting, groaning, slurping food, and spitting all the time (more than a daily occurance) it just got the better of me.
Not really feeling the best today either, maybe im not good at being an aged carer if im getting irritated at these things.

its upsetting though because he keeps saying 'well put me in a nursing home then' i dont know what im suppose to do either.


I miss so much of my 'old' life too like riding, having friends and just being able to enjoy living. Im not really sure how to get back to that point yet..
my flowers are quite pretty, though I dont know what they are so ill have to ask some gardeners what they are. I brought them as buds with no tags or directions for that matter!


I went to the drs and he wrote out a script for me thankfully so i can at least start my medications back up and increased it from weekly pick ups to monthly which is a relief. My nurse comes back soon too which will be good. Shes the only one whose stuck by me this whole time (besides here I mean). i think im going to have to go back to the drs though as i think my allergies arent responding well to otc antihistamines as im really itchy! the otc stuff takes the edge off but i wonder if they have something a little stronger....


Id best go for now, i have to ring the hospital back as i had a missed call abit earlier but they didnt leave a msg until now.


Love, hugs and many butterflies being sent your way
dusk till dawn
xoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (waves to all),

Gentle hugs...you sound as though you’re feeling so stuck with your responsibilities. How I wish you had your own life too...

I know it’s not an easy decision and I can sense your distress and inner turmoil, but have you and your pop discussed any alternative arrangements in detail (e.g. the aforementioned nursing home, other family members who can help out, etc)?

I know it’s not ideal, and I know it’s upsetting to think about it. But if things continue as they are, I feel you will not have your own life for potentially a very long time. I wonder if it’s time for you and your pop to have a heart to heart...

Your flowers sound really pretty. Little butterfly magnets 🙂

I’m glad you got your scripts and that your lovely nurse is returning too. At least there’s some good news, despite all your pressures and stress...

Also, please don’t apologise about your posts. Your posts are heartfelt and raw, and there’s nothing to be sorry for. Please don’t worry too much about it...

Much love and warm, squishy big sis hugs...always sitting with you. I hope you see some more blue willy wagtails this week 🙂

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox