New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[Pysis]

Ok thanks star.

[startingnew]

Ok sorry it took me so long to reply. Work is abit hectic today with all this wind!!
I had to go bucket chasing!


Ok so what your asking mihgt not seem 'normal' to you but is fact it is. Its a normal part of life and also of growing up.
Of course it feels awkward everyone feels that way and ive been in this spot. 'go get a bf' they would say 'yeah but....' and a whole heap of other excuses would come out. I get it.


I think one of the best pieces of advice I can give you is not not rush it. Dont try and force yourself to like someone. Being in a relationship requires time and commitment and when you dont actually have these type of feelings for someone you really arent in it, just along for the ride.


There is more ot people than just looks, and theres more to people than their personality. Not everyone will will like you but thats their problem not yours.
Dont change who you are to suit someone else.


Dont deny your feelings either. If you start to get butterflies for someone and start having attraction type feelings towards this person (I say person because it might be a male or a female- no judgement im Bi) then dont try to shut it off.
There will come a time and youll know when that is that youll be ready to ask someone out. Its better to have real feelings for someone than to have fake feelings and try to commit to them and you really dont want to be with them.


I think its is definently worth finding someone but dont rush it, things will come along in their own good time.
'good things come to those who wait'


I get the feelings of being isolated as well and looking like a 'loner' in a bar or in a shopping mall or something. Have you considered seeking out some interes groups within your community?

[Cesca1557]

hey nath,
it can be difficult especially during our teenage years and early 20s when you see other people doing things that you are, relationships are definitely included in this.
I havent been in a relationship either, a lot has to do with the fact that i push people away before they are able to get close enough as i dont want to get hurt by anyone the way ive been hurt before, but another reason is that i dont love myself yet and it is so much harder for someone to love you when you dont love yourself
This sadly takes time, feeling comfortable by yourself and reaching a point where you are happy on your own is so important to try to do first and it is more important that trying to find someone to make you happy.
Like sn said, dont rush it or force yourself to like someone because you want to like someone.
Also try not to compare yourself with your brother, as hard as it might be, you are individual people! you are not the same so shouldnt be expected to do the exact same thing at the same time. There isnt a specific time period in which someone needs to reach certain points so dont beat yourself up about it
it will happen when it happens as frustrating as that is, you might just have to wait, and keep on working on finding happiness in yourself first!

i can imagine that it is hard living in a more remote area, like others have said, maybe try to get involved in different activities?

hope you're okay

[Pysis]

Hi em

thanks for the advice. I think finally am ready to look for someone, I know who I am as a person and I've kind of craving some kind of conections with someone, you know me be there for them and they be their for me. I mean up until now I don't think I have been ready I have been asked out a fair few times but I never really felt I was ready or it was right, but I'm really wanting my own life now even though I can't really have that for a while but still. And I think I want it for the right reasons I mean it's not about being interment with someone for me it's having someone to take care of and for them to take care of me equily.

Haha, thank you any bloke would be lucky to spend time with you to, your a reall down to earth girl. That's exactly what I want from someone I just want them to like me for me faults and all, I can't change who I am no matter how hard people have tried to change me over the years I am who I am. I mean I know if I did get a girlfriend I'd treat her with respect and compassion and everything, and up until now I've been really scared that I'll just be like my dad and hurt them but I think that fear is starting to fade. A big thing that has been holding me back is I don't know weather I can attract someone to begin with, I know looks aren't everything and people say I am attractive but I have never really had anyone to compare to you know, I know it sounds stupid but becuase i have pretty much had nothing to do with anyone my age since I was 13 I just have no idea.

I have no idea how to meet someone I can't even find friends, I was thinking about tinder but I don't know. I am so isolated at the moment it's hard once I get my license it will make things easier. There literally arnt any girls my age in my town, there used to be but they all moved away over time.

Haha there has been one girl in the neighbouring town but she's taken and she seems to kind of go through boyfriends pretty quick.

What do you think about tinder or something?

Thanks so much em, sorry if it's a bit awkward.

Nath

[Pysis]

Hi star

sorry I took so long I was at my nan and pops they seem ok so I'm back home now.

yeah believe me this isn't something normal in my town so it feels so wierd to me.

yeah I mean if I do manage to meet someone I will take my time I don't rush anything and I think it's important to actually get to know each other first. I defently am prepared to put in my time and commitment I mean I already do that with my friends so I don't think that's a problem.

Yeah that's something that I won't ever do I won't change myself for others I mean I'm more that willing to make compramises and change little thing like habits and stuff but I think they also have to be willing to do the same for me.

yeah I know I'm straight and I don't think I will try and ignore those feelings I don't know what they feel like exactly but like you said people say it's somthing you know when you feel it. I didn't know you were bi star good on you for being open about it.

yeah like I said to em, I have been considering some kind of dating app or website like tinder I know it's not perfect but I at least give me a chance and you can talk on there before you meet so you can get to know each other first. I've tried so hard to find someone of social thing in Bendigo but there isn't anything not even for just people to meet up well not for anyone my age anyway.

thanks star

nath

[Pysis]

Hi C

thanks for the advice. Yeah I've done the same thing before but more becuase I've been scared of hurting the in the past so I didn't even give it a chance but I've started to let go of that fear. I feel it's kind of the opposite a bit for me in terms of I have been completely comfortable by myself up until now not that I love myself but I'm more confident in myself now and willing to give it a try.

Yeah it was more he rubs it in my face all the time I mean it lasted all of 2 minutes so it wasn't a real relationship, that's not the reason I want a girlfriend either though it's about having someone for me someone who can understand me and likes me for me.

yeah the isolation is a major factor for me, there arnt any girls in my town my age so it makes it hard but about half an hour away is a bigger town so I might meet someone there. The real problem is that everyone my age is just at night clubs and stuff and I don't really drink and I'm not going to do it just to meet someone either. I was thinking about tinder. What do you think?

nath

[startingnew]

Hey Nath


no need to apologise for delays. Its important to balance forums with real life. Theres been days where I havent been on at all or rarely. This afternoon was an easy day so I was able to spend some time here and to get some studies done.


It does take time and being in a rural setting is hard too. Sorry I didnt make it that clear, I didnt mean your commitment in general but if your trying to force a relationship sometimes it doesnt work and then things end very quickly because you just dont have the feeling for that person.


By the sounds of it, you are ready for a relationship. Its good because your actually identifying it yourself, you said you werent ready before but now you are. So listen to your gut and go for it.


Tbh I probably wouldnt use a dating site. There are a lot of fake people out there. But thats just me. I think once you get your licence itll be easier for you because you can travel around abit more.


It seems youve got the right idea, its not all about being intimate its about caring and being cared for. So it seems youve got your priorites right. People should love you for you. Sure annoying habits can be changed but not who you are entirely and your values.


About my sexuality, im not really open. Not many really know about it and no one off forums knows and atm im just chatting to others who are LBGTI because im having dramas surrounding this but id rather keep that to them.


Yes those feelings arent something to dismiss, but they can be confusing especially for first timers or have had a truamatic history. But the 'butterflies' feeling is quite hard to ignore.

[Pysis]

Hi star

thanks for understanding luckily my nan and pop seem ok at the moment so I didn't have to stay there for the weekend besides I'm pretty sick so it might make things worse if I give it to them.

oh ok I think that's what I thought you meant anyway thanks star i agree.

yeah I think I need to listen to my gut like you said I think I'm finally ready for it.

yeah I don't know with the dating site I was talking to my friend Jamie this morning about it and he has had some long term relationships come from it but yeah people being fake worries me a little.

oh ok thank you for trusting me enough to tell me then, I know a fair few lgbti people actually. that's fine you don't have to talk to me about anything you don't want to.

thanks again star

thinking of you

Nath

[startingnew]

Of course I understand Nath. Did you expect something different?


Yeah the elderly are bad for catching germs. Ive got an infection of some sort now too. Think its a throat infection. Bloody coughs and sore throat with it being hard to breathe. Like asthma type thing. Its really annoying. I gotta get to my gp but im avoiding that.


If you think your ready then go for it. With the dating site its up to you, no judgement here whatever you decide to do. Of course there are successes and also the fakes. You never really know till you find out do you.

has talking about it been helpful for you?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Nath,

Sorry guys, I'm responding to an older post so this might seem kinda out of context...

I hear and read about homophobia and very 1950s gender roles online but to hear a "real life" account of some of the mentality in your local area was definitely very eye openeing and confronting. Bear in mind, this is my city roots rearing its head...

In the big cities, it's not to say there's no homophobia or very gendered thinking regarding "roles." There's still some of it but it's probably to a much lesser extent compared to your local area. Amongst my friends and local community, most people would be very supportive of the LBTGQI community. There's a lot of acceptance here...which is the way it should be...

It must be hard for you (and other men) with all this pressure to fit the mould of "traditional masculinity." It's sad that there was such an uproar over the art exhibition...much respect to you for staying true to yourself. It can't be easy...I respect that in you. A lot.

Thanks, my grandfather was an amazing man 🙂

I hope you keep staying true to your sense of self.

Pepper xo