My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Bro,

More homework. You know Im lazy. ILWY. I left out the a. It didn't make sense anway. LAM.

I will respect Bundy dogs boundaries..LAD

Im just going to report my HWJT on mondays. Once a week.

How do you think we should start the bro code?

We should start brain storming that. Or is that the homework?

Tiny tim meet Tim Finn

Have a good night bro

I'm on fire, feeling awesome.

Peace

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Bro,

That's cool.

My only concern now with posting HWJT weekly, is that momentum drops down.

All studies show this as well.

Remember that you're not fooling anyone, except yourself, if you don't do your HWJT.

And now, there are people reading this...so we are accountable to more people than just you or I.

I'm going to post as regularly as I can because as a healer it's important for people to see that I am with them, through this as well.

Consistency and regular contact is important for those here that need my help.

You do what you must, but I'm here to assist as many people as I can.

---

As mentioned previously BroCode is yours to captain.

You will need to take the lead on that.

As I do with OTT, with everyone else welcome to take part as much as they want and can.

BroCode will need to be your project, that I will support 100%.

What I would suggest is that we do a "ThinkTank" session, and go from there.

Do you know what that is? Look it up.

---

Tim Finn meet Frank Sinatra

---

Have a good night...let's see if you can crack the code!

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[SourceShield]

Matt,

You need to ease off Panther - telling him that he 'needs to open up more' doesn't help people with ASPD.

Read up more about it.

It's like trying to force you to go and meet people...when the Agoraphobia was deep in you.

We need to be more patient with people with ASPD.

Again, I know you're wanting to help but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Just ease off, and let him have his space...he'll talk to us when he wants to.

We just need to do a little more research into the different disorders before we start telling people to open up more.

For some people with their 'disorders', being told to open up more...will just push them further away.

Healing is different for all of us.

I know you want to help people but just slow down a bit and don't get too far ahead of yourself.

You're doing good, just remember we are all at different places on the path.

MuchLove

SourceDogg

[SourceShield]

p.s.

I did reply to your "Tim Finn" post above too...but the LagBeast has swallowed it, again!.

It'll be there tomoz.

Peace

[1113]

Bro,

Someone is probably reporting some of your post.......thats the lag beast. Just a hunch.

Your absolutely correct. I just haven't felt this good in years.

I will slow it down.

Panther man was doing so well. He was posting everywhere and then he just disappeared. I'm just a tad concerned.

I've been wrapped up in fixing myself that I forgot about all these people I connected to. I hope that they are ok. Just empathic too much....i suppose.

I will just slow it down.

Im glad i morned today.

I just let it out. Fell with it. It took a while to adjust back to center. Its easy now. Practice is good.....wise one.

Its was a huge weight that just lifted off my shoulders.

I had been holding onto that pain for far to long.

I was always around for the families and never really morned the loss of my brothers.

Plus at that stage I didn't even know how to.

I never knew just releasing that would feel so good.

My boy is the most caring and compassionate person.

You know what he said to me today " dad, what do you see when you look in the mirror?"

I just was stunned. He really gets all this stuff.

I said " what do see when you look at me?"

He said " A kind, caring, loving dad" and then he gave me the biggest hug. He told me 15 times today that he loved me. It was so beautiful. It made me smile.

We had daddy doggy cuddles all day and a swim in the pool.

He just gets all this stuff now. The emotional intelligence stuff is a huge bonus for him to learn at his age. Of course, at his level. He know how healthy its to cry. Not to bottle up emotions....etc etc. He has a lot of baggage to unleash, not having his mum around and all. His confidence has grown so much. He is a little man now. A real man. Not afraid of emotions.

We have whats called EP time. He does philosophy at school, so I just called it Emotional philosophy..EP.

We could add that to the bro code. Anyway...... I am ranting again.

And still going........

Not wait

Thats it LAY

Have a good night bro,

No famous name to reply to yet..

Peace

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Bro,

No, It's not being reported.

Because you get an email for that.

That's a different beast, Lag beast is about something different.

---

Concern doesn't have to mean that we tell people - 'you should open up more' etc...if you're really concerned get to know their disorder etc.

Truly empathic people don't rush people to talk to us.

He may have also felt that you were judging him when you called out the apparent 'fake people'.

I sense that he's actually intimidated by us, by our rapport...and if ever reads this and wants to chat, I am here for him...so we can discuss that in more detail.

---

The boy is a wise young Master...much good I see in store for him!.

I also mentioned what I would suggest for BroCode in the post that's lagging behind.

Will wait till it's there, then we can discuss.

---

Stay focused on getting yourself better, and lead by your actions and example.

Just ease off a bit, you mad jesus!! <-LAYLAYLAY HARD CORE!!!

Peace

Kaitoa

[SourceShield]

p.s.

I'm profoundly happy that you were able to mourn for the loss that you have felt, Matt.

Trust me when I say this, I do totally understand how important it is to grieve the loss of those that we love.

Keep on moving forward.

As mentioned in the post that's lagging I am actually gonna do my best to write my HWJT here as often as I can now.

I sense that there are a few people here that need to see it.

As a healer I feel that it's important for people to see that I am being consistent with what I say that I am doing!.

So, I will post HWJT after this!

Sleep well.

Kaitoa

[1113]

Bro,

Im just so happy right now. So many months of hard work have finally paid off. I have some real leads to follow. Life looks great from where I'm sitting. I still cant spell though. But oh well. LAM I am working on that.

Its just been a culmination of so much work and intel and stuff that you have been teaching me too.

Made jesus......bahahahahaha I was raised Christian. We believe in god and angels and resurrection. Etc etc. Its Christmas.........I have never been this happy at Christmas before. Its like a miracle. Made Jesus Lam lam lam.

My anxiety is now power.........i could be Jumping ahead to far with myself.

Calm the farm there matt. I even talk to myself now!

Thats so cool.

Oh bugger it...when your happy your happy...just make the most of it.

Uploading a happiness npt after grief is amazing work.

If you did nothing after grieving like that.....then what do you have to compare it too. That emotion of loss isnt replaced properly it can eat you up inside. Do all sorts of interal injuries. Stress is a killer.

I makes so much sense.

Thank you for your sorcery.

It pure magic.

Fyi I was singing....o come all ye faithful!

I found this clearing negative thought hypnosis audio.

In the audio it says about hearing the songs of ancients instead of negative thoughts. It really works. I sing most of the day, hum alot too.

It just programs your brain to listen to music instead of bad thoughts....i only found it the other day.

Its good stuff.

Night bro

I can sense your happiness too.

Peace

Matt.

[1113]

I've posted twice here no joy.

Will try later

[SourceShield]

Morning my bro,

I didn't post HWJT last night because there were two lagbeasts, so I thought I'd just wait until they were uploaded, and go from there.

---

HWJT

I started my day with prayer and a SNORT- And I feel so much better for doing so.

I gave thanks for a lovely nights rest and a beautiful day ahead.

Drank 1lt of water, to cleanse the body first thing, and to kickstart metabolism.

I'm gonna do my weights workout after this.

Then I have my business-business to take care of - that's 8hrs of biz to get through!

Later will take the BDogg for a walk.

Eat some delicious food, and have a peaceful evening.

That's my awesome day programmed!.

How you feeling today MJ? (MadJesus)

MuchLove

CB <-(CrazyBuddha)

SLAMJAMJAW

LAY
LAM
LAY
LAM

...just laughing in general today, I feel great!...