My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

Michael Buble meet Boris Karloff

---

Bro,

I just wanted to say to you, to look at your post...look at the clarity!

No spelling mistakes or mixed up words.

I can see your freedom!.

Beautiful my bro.

Have a great day with the famz!.

PeaceOut

Kaitoa

[1113]

Bro,

I'm a bit cranky. You know why.

Still free

Just cranky.

I had a good day.

How was yours?

Boris Karloff meet Kevin Bacon

Peace

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Kevin Bacon meet Meryl Streep

---

I'm good bro.

Just about to take Bundy for a walk.

What's up with you?

What's going on?

Peace

KDogg

[1113]

Bro,

Its all g now.

I just sorted it. Best not talk about it.

Go and have a great walk!

I am feeling even more free, now.

Go ride that horse to the shops. LAD. LAY.

Chat when you get back

Peace

Matt.

[1113]

Oh bugger

Meryl Streep meet Shaun the sheep

[SourceShield]

Bro,

Then why mention it in the first place? <- LAY

You silly goose.

If you're feeling cranky, that's okay...I hope you have worked it out properly.

Don't fake feelings...like you have in the past!

Have a good night.

I'll be back on tomoz.

Kaitoa

[SourceShield]

BTW

Bundy is a dog not a horse, that's a boundary. <-LAY

I don't want him to get self-conscious, or to get paranoid.

Please address him as Bundy dog.

Thanks! <-LAMLAY

---

Shaun The Sheep meet Tiny Tim.

---

[SourceShield]

...two more things...

1) I feel that it's important to keep posting HWJT regularly again. I sense that it's good for others to see.

So, I will be back on later to post mine.

2) I'm gonna leave you with some homework to crack...

This is a code that I want to see if you're smart enough to work out.

What do these words and sentences say?...

"jraap" -

"zivj apbr" -

"qrsvr piy" -

"upi str s hppf zsm zstt!"

The clue is "QWERTY".

MuchLove

Kaitoa

[Shred1106]

Hi SourceShield

I guess I can try to write down what I am going to do each day - until I travel anyway, then again when I get back.

I used to write poetry and keep a journal but I am finding it hard to just keep on track (and my privacy is compromised regularly).My mind is spinning with all the things I have to organise before I go as well as the old stuff that keeps resurfacing.

I used to also do some breathing exercises and performance focus exercises but they too have gone out the window. I guess perhaps ensuring I at least take a few laps around the garden beds ( I have a few acres) and take note of what is doing well might help. Watching the new baby wild ducks (of which there are 18 on my place) waddle towards the dam for a swim might help to.

Tomorrow I have my youngest niece with me - we have to finalise the last Christmas present for her Mum and go into town to do that. I plan to find a tree near the big lake to sit under and try to breathe some clarity into things. I have homework to do from my psychologist before I see them again.

Thanks for the invite - you guys and your posts do help more than you know.

Rest well

[1113]

Hay shreddy ,

Thank you mate. I my hope is to help even more people. My new life goal is to become a psychic healer.

Please make a HWJT journal up and post it here.

Iive on farm too. With ducks. What a happy coincidence.

We have alot in common.

I replied to your OTT post too.

I will await your HWJT.......

Oh that reminds me......I must check up Panther!

Have a great night Shreadstar

Peace

Matt