My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Oh bugger

Bob Dylan

[1113]

Oh and the number is now 12. Right in the middle.

[SourceShield]

Bob Dylan meet Danger Mouse!

---

MattJam!

I just released attachment to a major OTT, that had been present in my life, for many years.

Feels weird not having it there but this is when we must upload the NPT and do something positive to activate the positive feedback-loop.

As I was writing about it for OTT, I felt waves of emotions washing over me.

It feels so good to release the attachment to the OTT of ugliness and unworthiness.

I feel good.

Back to the exercise...took a break because I really needed to write.

But, I got that all out of my system now.

Chat later brozzle!

SLAMJAK <- Just Ask Kaitoa!.

[1113]

Bro,

I read your ott. Thats prefect bro. I also need to think on that one too. I must keep moving forward.

Is it that hard to do? Won't it be a happy experience?

I haven't really thought to much about.

I feel good too.

Also a bit weird. But I am accepting this feeling as an old friend.

Im going to mediate on it..now, and see if???

I am need somewhere right now.....the boy.

Chat later bro.

Danger Mouse meet Michael Jackson

calm

Happy

Thoughts

Mcbrozzle out

[1113]

What's ya doing kdog?

How ya feeling?

Any home work today?

Peace

[SourceShield]

Yo!

Just chilling atm.

Your homework is the same as yesterdays...write and read as much as can!

We'll do a 'class' once a week, but other than that just check out the grammar sites etc.

I'm feeling good.

At ease.

You?

SLAMJAW <-Just Ask Wolf.

[1113]

SLAMJAW,

Im just having dinner atm with the dog watching me like a hawk.

I got a funny story from this morning.......

The boy was getting his breakfast ready and he needed some help. I was sitting on the couch having my morning coffee and toast. The dog was inside as per usual and sitting on her inside bed.

The boy yells out "dad, can you help me open this". I was like "how old are you now? Can't ya stuff yourself yet". He is very bright but the simplest things can be an issue. Like doing up his shoelaces. He knows how to do it, he just gets side tracked in a millisecond.

Anyway. I put my coffee on the side table and sat the toast plate (with my breakfast on it) on the couch and went to help him. It wasn't that far away so I trusted the dog. Wrong!!!!!!!!!!!

She had stolen the toast of my plate and started to drink my coffee. The boy was hysterical. "Dad, Amber just stole your breakfast" and pissing him self laughing. I instantly yelled "you thieving mungrel dog". She just looked at me with that face and the boy was pissing himself, so i just gave her a cuddle. I couldn't be angry at that face.

I went to make more toast and the dog followed me. I was saying "your not getting anything else" the boy still pissing himself and the dog had no idea what was going on. She just wanted more toast.

She is a very good catcher, never misses when it comes to food. Like a freaking ninja. The rest of the day you cant move the lazy thing. But if someone opens the fridge she is like a freaking ninja.

Today she just started barking for no reason and stood at the door sniffing. Lots of snakes around at the moment. The bark was danger but not to close. One growl and bark is probably 50m aways. The closer the danger comes the more growls and barks.

Does bundy talk to you with his eyes?

Amber has so many different facial expressions. I swear she talks to me all day with her eyes, lids, ears and the surrounding muscles. If i had more time i probably could learn the language.

Anyway.......I've been typing on my tablet, eating dinner all at the same time with dog watching my every move.

She already had her dinner!

Leave mine alone you thieving dog!

I just got 50 different facial expressions. LAD

Have a good night bro

Chat later

Peace

Matt

[1113]

Im still waiting for your famous person!!!!

[SourceShield]

...and just for that you can wait a little longer!. <-LAY

Patience is a virtue. <-LAM

SLAMJAW

[SourceShield]

Michael Jackson meet Jesus Malverde (The Mexican Angel Of The Poor

SLAMJAM