My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Brothers,

I just changed my proflie picture to my latest restoration project.

I have decided to name it BBB in honor of the beyond blue community and the brothers.

We will go fishing and water skiing and be happy.

So honoured and humble.

Thank yo

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Morning Bro,

Maaaaaate! - your project is awesome man!.

So proud of you.

Fishing and Water Skiing sounds perfect.

---

Let's do a writing class once a week.

I'll have to give you some writing tasks to do in your own time though...

Are you okay with that?

We can start whenever you're ready.

---

Bro,

I'd like to work through something with you. Below is what you sent through this morning. I'm gonna work through this with you. So that anytime in the future, where it may feel like the 'anxiety' is going to get the better of you again, you have some coping strategies in place, okay bro?

Because that's what matters now, when we slip or stumble, we leave the past behind us, we brush the dirt off, and we keep moving forward.

You wrote -

"When I challenge a negative belief (like yesterday) anxiety affects my eyes and cognitive processes" <- I'm assuming that you've spoken to your doc about this as well.

"Anxiety is a huge issue for me" <- Start saying - Anxiety HAS BEEN a huge issue for me.

I know that this may seem like a small thing but by reframing the issue has if it's IN THE PAST has genuinely helped me to recover quicker, and with less 'emotional-baggage'.

Release the attachment to that thought pattern.

I know it 'feels' like it 'is' still very present, but by referring to it as something that has happened, opens up more doors, more choices because perhaps in the future, you will be anxiety free.

Can you understand why reframing, and seeing that this has happened in the past helps?

"The chemical change from extremely high anxiety takes a while to recover from" - This is 'cortisol', that I was talking about in OTT.

Anxiety stresses the body-mind, stress produces cortisol. High anxiety levels produce high-levels of cortisol. The overproduction of cortisol, is incredibly dangerous. On so many levels.

"There's a wave that happens to me,........up then down" <- Is this a blood pressure thing?

I used to have seizures. Felt like the blood was draining from me, from my feet up...like a wave, but mine was down then up.

"It is getting easier to recover from" <- Keep doing your daily practise.

"Easier and easier every day" <- HWJT

"Still hurts though"<- MuchRespect!. I recognise your hurt brother.

---

William Shakespeare = Sally Fields

---

I could send thru different relaxation techniques too?

Do you know about self soothing techniques?

We can go through a few different types that may appeal - Chakra, mindfulness etc

MuchHonour.

[1113]

Bro,

The wave is emotional. High anxiety leads to low mood. My anxiety feeds the beast and vice versa. The higher the anxiety the lower the mood. Panic attacks - can't get out of bed. Going out to the shop- agrophobia/ anxiety- low mood lack of energy.....physically drained.

When I went for a run a few weeks ago - high level endorphins+ adrenaline = very low mood and wobbly chemical balance.

I can see the pattern and it is getting better. Eventually if I slowly work through all my OTTs it will go away.

But.....you can tell by my writing when my cognitive abilities struggle, like right now.

I could rewrite this to make more sense but the brainputer has no random access memory left. So i have a pretty bad processing ability.

The eyes are sore today

My thrid eye is throbbing

The top of my head is sore and it leads a pain down to my base chakra.

I answer yes to all your other questions​. Send through everything

when you have time

Going to do relaxation now

Then pick up the boy

Will chat later

Matt.

[SourceShield]

Matt,

As soon as I saw your first post yesterday, I could tell something was up.

By the way that you were writing.

When you're onto it, I can read your post, no problem.

When you're not on to it, like yesterday, it looks like an octopus tried to write your post, with all 8 tentacles writing at the same time!.

You are becoming more self-AWARE, and thats what matters, right now.

Can you dig why the awareness right now, is so important?

I know that the emotional pain of it all hurts, but the fact that you are beginning to relate to the pain of it all, rather than from it, is great.

This is the INVESTIGATE part in RAIN.

Recognise.

Allow.

INVESTIGATE with kindness.

Nourish with compassion.

Whenever we do all this emotional-intelligence work etc, you must do it with a new type of "loving-kind attention".

If all you're doing is dragging up the old beliefs, the OTT, and still judging yourself for having those OTT, like not being perfect or not being intelligent enough, that judging of the OTT just keeps you locked on the OTT.

We must detach from the OTT with loving-kind investigation.

A sense of complete curiosity and acceptance, to whatever comes up.

For example, I could blame my family for being so cruel, but they came from no love, and their parents came from no love, and their parents before them etc...

This is true for all of us.

Even the guy that glassed me, at the bar that night, and killed my partner, and the guys that got you that night as well, even them, even they came from no love, for that is the only way that we do what we do to each other.

There is no blame, when none come from love.

When there is no love at home, and school, and out on the playground, and then on the streets, there aint much love out here.

But, there is responsibility.

Who is responsible for your happiness, and health Matt?

When will you allow yourself to be that?

Now?

If not now, then when?

This is what we must ask ourselves daily, when letting the attachment to the OTT go.

We can reprogram the brainputer.

It is possible.

---

Sounds like the anxiety really got the better of you yesterday.

I'm sorry that you have to go through that brother.

Stay focused on what matters - Your genius son, your project, your health, your happiness...

Let all the rest go.

Just for this one moment in time, just let all the rest go.

Lets just focus on loving-kindness.

Your self-awareness is strengthening Master GoldenBoy.

Peace

The GreyWolf

[1113]

Bro,

I've just been snorting....ahhhhh good stuff.

Part of my sense of humour is back.

But then i saw the " killed your partner" bit. Now I'm snorting for you. Sending you happiness on universal vibe channel.

I picked up pretty quickly from yesterday. Its taking a shorter amount of time to recover.

Yes I agree whole heartedly with ya. Much practice I need. Master yoda. Practice is my objective with the HWJT. I'm really doing to will atm. But will report on Monday.

I saw a bumper sticker when I was picking my son up from school that cracked me the fudge up. I mean......literally.

"If your following me, then your lost too"

Its funny on so many levels. Almost wet myself. LOL

Bahahahahaha

fanny schmeller - alpine skier

Youtube the chase! Fanny schmeller. That will make you laugh until tears run down your face.

Good for the soul.

Thanks bro,

Goldengateboy

[SourceShield]

Bro,

We must keep on snorting in-spite of all that has happened in our past.

What's done is done, we can only learn, and grow from it now, or keep on suffering because of all that has happened in our past.

I know what I'm ready to do.

If we could go back in a time-machine and fix it all, we would, but that aint possible yet...but I'm working on it!

I sense that you're still trying to avoid certain things, that's okay.

Take your time.

Start with all the easy OTT.

Practise makes perfect.

You don't throw an apprentice chef right into the exec chef role.

So too is this true for you and I.

I've been doing all this Spirit and Emo-Intel stuff, for a little bit longer than you, right.

That doesn't mean that I am better than you at all, it just means that my awareness about all this stuff is a little more than advanced.

And, so too are you further advanced in the ways of being a Dad!

I'm gonna need your advice when I am a Dad.

Knowledge and wisdom are meant to be shared!

---

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, because I have observed a few times now, that you have mentioned your 'third eye' and I sense that you are interested in the ethereal as well.

I am a Sorcerer.

The TRUE meaning of Sorcerer is - One Who Is Connected To Source.

But just like words like "witch", and "magic", over-time the meanings have been changed, and now have to many people, a negative connotation.

People think of "black magic".

True sorcery is nothing like that at all.

But, true sorcery, is simply connecting to ALL elements that are one with Source.

Creative Infinite Intelligence.

In my true language, Te Reo Maori, we are called - Tohunga.

You talk about your "Third Eye", and your "Base Chakra".

You also wrote that the "top of your head is sore" and that pain is traveling down to the base.

There is a psychic-block present.

I have some "EarthMagic" techniques that you can use, for times like these as well.

Visualisation techniques.

Chants.

Prayers.

One way to free up the third eye, is to warm drink lemon water, twice a day.

You seem to be drawn to water.

But, this block in you is inhibiting flow of energy.

Every time you drink water, visualise the water cleansing the whole-body.

---

Fanny Chmelar = Cindy Crawford

---

We can discuss more 'alternative magic' as well, if you like.

I dig it.

As long as it brings no harm to oneself, or another.

All ways back to true happiness, and optimal holistic-health are welcome.

Peace

WolfSorcerer

[1113]

Wolf,

yes.

Acceptance is difficult.

OTTS ARE REAL TOO. I have many to work through.

Harm to others is not in my being.

I need techniques please. I will try anything.

Craig David.

Thankyou

Ahura

[SourceShield]

BrotherMatt,

If HARM to others is truly not in your being, than for that energy to be complete...you must cease all harm directed inwards at yourself.

Stop all self-punishment.

Just because you don't harm another, doesn't mean that you must keep on punishing yourself, for what happened in the past.

This is your challenge, Matt.

Are you ready to stop bringing harm to yourself?

For your words to be true, in that you bring no harm to another...this must also be true for oneself!.

Are you ready to stop punishing yourself now?

For real.

Because I sense that you still hold a lot of anger inside...but it's directed at yourself.

Thats no good bro.

Itll just do you in eventually.

Trust me...I know this well.

All that other talk aside, this is what it's really about bro...are you willing to learn how to love and accept yourself?

Just be sincerely willing to learn, thats all...thats how we all start on the spiritual journey...

A sincere yearning for a deeper connection to Freedom, Love and Truth.

Sincerity is key.

---

Craig David = Donny Osmond

---

OTT's are real, but they ARE NOT TRUE!.

There is a huge difference.

They feel real because you feel them in the body-mind.

And these beliefs once worked for us, but now they dont.

Now they are lies.

Let the lies go.

OTT are LIES, that feel real, but they are NOT TRUE.

You must remember this!

That is an important lesson.

They are real but not true.

And sometimes they are neither!.

PeaceOut

WolfSource

[1113]

Bro,

Challenge accepted

Its time to let them go.

I can no longer harm myself. This is evident to me now. Thank you for that bro. Your help is astronomically helpful.

But....I must stay here too.

Continue my HWJT

We have much work to do here.

I need to help others...its a healer thing.

I also need that literacy help too.

You get it bro

I completely and sincerely appreciate your wisdom

In return I will give you mine.

I accept

Thankyou bro

Matt.

[1113]

Oh bugger

Oliver Newton-John