My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Bro,

I was a bit off kilter this morning and arvo. The Crying emotional Rollercoaster has come to a holt. Its time to be easy on myself. That one hurt a bit more than expected. But i back on the horse. Positive thoughts

Its time for happiness again.

I appreciate you picking up on that one. Bro

Peace

Matt

[SourceShield]

Too easy, my bro.

You're all good.

Remember this is all part of it man, with the disorders and stuff...rough waves with the smooth seas!.

Stay strong.

Allow yourself to accept the power here for you in being vulnerable.

You are not made weaker because you feel, Matt.

You are made stronger, brother.

Are you okay now?

Still waiting for your famous person name...

MuchLove

KBrozzle.

[1113]

Brollerina,

I was tried, emotional wreck then sat down and did my HWJT. Then i went a bit cray cray. Just did some relaxation. Sleep is a bit of an issue lately. Like you said the old knoggin doesn't work to will with out it. I didn't fall last night but i only got 3 hours sleep, it was around 2 or 3 when i dozed off. Then up at 6. Still only get around 3 hrs a night atm.

Steve jobs - Jennifer love-Hewitt

Hahahaha witch last name to choose.

Just going for my swim now.

Have you been on the forum all day?

Do you have any crazy dream- astro travel like storys?

Make me laugh when i get back.

Oh and your dog, can you ride that thing to the shops?

Boom shaka laka la la la la

Golden boy

Ps.

The last post i did on OTT didn't even make sense.

Thats how cray cray i was this morning.

[SourceShield]

Oi you!

Don't ever call me 'brollerina' ever again...or else, I'm gonna bash you with an actual ballerina!

That's a boundary <-LAM!

---

I wasn't working today.

I had a phone interview this morning, for some people doing research about the ambulance service, and more specifically, they wanted to talk with men that live with mental health issues.

It was an hour chat.

It actually triggered a few emotions because the last time that I was in an ambulance, was also the last time that I was feeling like...giving up...if you know what I mean, and I refused to open the front door, when the police turned up, and from there it just got worse.

I became agitated, and then irate.

I was confused and panicked.

I was thrown up against the wall by three police officers, and handcuffed.

For real bro.

I told them that the handcuffs were too tight, they didn't care.

It was tough man.

But I was glad that I could share my experience with her, because even though the police were a bit rough, I've only had positive experiences with the ambulance service.

I also get a $30 woolies voucher for doing the interview.

That'll feed the horse...for a second!.

I'd love to go for a swim!

I might just fill a bucket, and stand in it, and creatively-visualise that I am in Jamaica!.

LAM

---

Jennifer Love-Hewitt = Lucille Ball

---

I have had many positive astral-traveling experiences.

And, I feel that I'm pretty lucky when it comes to dreaming.

My dreams are pretty vivid and always in colour.

Flying dreams.

Breathing underwater dreams.

I had a dream once that I was a wizard and made a bridge appear before my eyes.

That was a cool dream.

I used to have a recurring dream as a kid, that I was a rock.

As this rock, I used to roll around in my dreams and talk to other rocks.

I still remember this dream because it was so weird but I used to love my rolling, talking rock dreams!

Remember it's how the dreams make us feel when we are awake that really matters.

If your dreams cause you stress when you are awake, that's a sign...

I'm glad that you recognised it.

Good work.

---

Don't even worry about your posts, it's seriously all good.

If they laugh, let them...but I'm pretty sure you're safe, okay man?

We all have moments.

They too shall pass.

---

One of the Brazilian girls at work thinks that I'm into her...as if!

I went to give her a little kiss on the cheek, and we ended smacking lips in a really odd way.

Now she thinks I like her.

D'oh!.

Shazam

[1113]

Bro,

You made me laugh. I fully just visualized that! Even to the expression on your face. Bahahahahaha. LAY. Now, its actually impossible to think that. Unless your a mind reader. I think your perception is a bit out of wack. Bahahahahaha LAM.

Ok so,

Lucid dreaming:

you have to remind yourself during the day that your awake. Stop every hour ask yourself if your awake or asleep. Count your fingers, read a book or something and say ok I'm not dreaming. Practice a lot. Then find some lucid dreaming hypnosis audio. When your dreaming you start to check if your awake or asleep. If you cant read a page or count your fingers your asleep. After awhile your can manipulate the entire dream......takes much practice.

But i would always fall anyway.

Sometimes when I Meditate I see people Ive never seen before in my life. Hear talking. Lately i get a shock of power like a jolt. Simlar to falling.

Ive walk through peoples houses, places ive never seen before.

The brain is a powerful computer indeed.

Like hearing a complete song. Word for word, instruments, different voice. Etc etc. WITH NO SOUND ANYWHERE.

Ive probably screw my sleeping up more than fix it. Bahahahahaha LAM.

I was a victim of a planned assault, drunk one night out clubbing..walking out 2 guys grabbed me a held me while one dislocated my friends elbow and then came and hit me in the face and ripped my forehead open.

The cops.....when i found them said you are getting blood all of the police car and push me away. What a world we live in.

Benjamin Franklin

Peace bro

Mattarinna out

[SourceShield]

Bro,

Please don't ever call yourself, Mattarinna ever again! <-LAY

---

There could be a few reasons for the falling and jolting feeling.

Lookup - Myoclonus.

It's actually rather common, but for those of us that are a little 'disorderly' at times, the anxiety can make it worse.

Talk to your doc about it.

---

I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did that night, bro.

That's really tough man.

And, it is made worse when the people that are trained and paid to protect and serve us, don't do their job properly.

Sadly, I fully believe that you were told that you were getting blood on the seat, and that you were pushed away.

---

Just for now bro...don't worry about the dreams.

The more you worry, the more you have to worry about!

Just allow fall...trust that you are always safe.

Over-thinking, just causes rumination...the dark beast loves it when we ruminate.

You are safe now Matt.

---

Ben Franklin - Frank Zappa

---

Just took the horse for a walk.

Gonna have a cool shower, and then eat some dinner.

PeaceOut

SpecialK

[CompulsiveLiar]

Zsa Zsa Gabor

[SourceShield]

HWJT DailyReport

5/12/16

Did a phone interview this morning.

It was about my experience with the ambulance service.

The chat triggered a few things, but I handled myself really well.

The facilitator was great as well. She was very compassionate.

I even got to talk about BB and how I use this service.

For real.

All good.

I fully encourage all platforms that encourage online-community for those that need a little extra support and guidance.

My next day I have to work at the moment is Friday. Thats a full day of work.

I'm sleeping well. Feeling better in the mornings as well.

Happier.

Someone paid me a compliment the other day, and I didn't know how to take it, so I had a little autism moment.

I recovered well.

It's funny how OTT can creep in at any time.

Thats why daily lessons and consistent practise is important.

I'm learning to do all the meditation and pray and eating well, and the 'holistic' stuff, not because Buddha, or Oprah, or Jesus tell me to, but because it feels good.

I remember that which I feel as being 'good' on the outside, is my body-mind working perfectly on the inside.

Thats why I am doing what I am doing.

Reprogramming the body-mind by creating more access to all the 'feel good' and 'healing chemicals', on the inside of my body.

I'm doing SNORT as I write.

I've actually had a really good night.

Listening to Anita Baker. Soul singer. Beautiful angel voice.

Bundy is well.

Meta - 87%

Bio - 50%

Psycho - 75%

Social - 80%

---

HWJT - 6/12/16

Meta -

C - Connect

A - Assist

R - Remember

E - Express

Bio -

S - Strength - HIIT - 15mins min Daily

A - Agility - Yoga - 25mins min Daily

S - Stamina - Dance - 20mins min Daily

S - Sustainment

- Ibreathe - Meditate20mins - Daily

- Ihydrate - 2lts water - Daily

- Inourish - IFAST GAPS - Daily

- Irest - 6hrs Sleep. 2hrs Relaxation - Daily

- Imove - XP (see above)

Psycho

F - FinancialFreedom - CHIA - 5hrs.

A - Awareness&Understanding - RAIN - 60mins Daily.

C - Creativity - IR3Method - 3hrs.

T - Time&Space Management - HWJT - 60mins.

S - SexualHealth - PAD - Safe Practise. Healthy Activity. Manage Desire - All Day

Social -

S - SelfAssessment - Be Kind.

A - Associates&Acquaintances - Be Friendly.

F - Family&Friends - Be Loving.

E - Everyone&Everything Else, including the Earth, and our perceived Enemies - Be Compassionate

---

Zsa Zsa Gabor = Giselle Bundchen

---

Sleep Well.

Rest easy.

All is well.

And, so it is.

Peace.

[SourceShield]

...one last thing...

Matt,

Please don't be offended by me asking you this, okay man?

But, you've mentioned the dyslexia before, and today I saw how that can also affect how you feel about yourself.

I teach english literacy and language classes, to overseas students living in OZ.

Its for the IELTS test.

If you need some assistance with improving your literacy and writing skills, I can help you with that, here on BB.

We could do writing exercises, and I would help with any areas that may need improving.

We could set it up as a daily, or weekly thing.

There's also sites that you can go to online, for resources as well.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no Shakespeare!.

But, if you ever need support with managing the dyslexia, and UpSkilling, I can help you with that, okay man?.

That's too easy.

MuchLove Brother!

Kaitoa

---

I guess that means I have to go again...

Giselle Bundchen = Barry White

---

PeaceOut

[1113]

Good day family,

I am humble by your offer, I am never offended

When I challenge a negtive belief (like yesterday) anxiety affects my eyes and cognitive processes. Anxiety is a huge issue for me. The chemical change from extremely high anxiety takes a while to recover from. There's a wave that happens to me,........up then down. It is getting easier to recover from. Easier and easier every day. Still hurts though.

I am worth the challenge.

It sounds like a good idea. I can always improve.

panther bro,

Open up here with us. I would like you to leave me something funny to read. It doesn't need to be true. I just want you to make me laugh. Dry, offensive, sarcastic it doesn't matter. Just type LAM or LAY after it. So i know your joking. LAY (laughing at you). Tease me.

Post a few of your HWJT ideas too. The brothers will only support them.

I woke up humbled today. Thats a good thing. But my sense of humour is missing.

Slow and steady.

Peace

Matt.

William Shakespeare