My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

Hey Bro!

Please excuse any PLCN!

So, I applied to work at a Superfood Kitchen at a festival after xmas, and into the new year!.

10 days.

I love the festival life...I could seriously do festival work, all day, every day - I just love the gypsy lifestyle!.

Thats the truth.

I had just forgotten.

Started taking life a bit toooooo seriously!

So, I sent my resume, and cover letter in.

And, in about an hour after that, I got a call from the boss!

He wants me to work the festival with him.

Stoked.

Just gotta find some 'loose change' to pay for the deposit of the ticket.

Then, will have to find a dogsitter, for TheShamanDog.

Too easy!

That has lifted the spirits again.

Work went well last night.

Had fun.

Met some lovely people.

Many foreign students - Brazilians, Colombians, Africans, Indians, Asian...I love speaking to people from all over the world. Helps me to better understand my place in this world.

Theres always some lovely girls that attach themselves to me - In my real life I have a safe gay-brother vibe going on...I dont mind.

Im sure they'd love GoldenBoy.

What type of girls do you like?

I bet, youre gonna tell me that its not looks...blah blah blah...

But, when we speak of 'desire', what would your ultimate woman, look and feel, and smell like...and all the rest of it?

You see, this is how we use our mind, and can channel our beliefs into creating and attracting more goodness into our life.

We use our imagination to design our life, just the way, we truly desire it...and include ALL in this image on awesomeness...even our perceived enemies. That last bit is usually a tough pill for people to swallow.

Its just my opinion, thats all.

Its just what I truly believe is right and best for me, and my life, and this crazy journey that I am on now.

---HWJT --- 5/12/16

Meta - C.A.R.E - (Connect. Assist. Recognise. Express)

BIO - S.A.S.S - (Strength. Agility. Stamina. Sustainment)

PSYCHO - F.A.C.T.S - (FinancialFreedom. Awareness&Understanding. Creativity&Cognition. Time&Space Management. SexualHealth)

SOCIAL - S.A.F.E - (Self - Be Kind. Associates&Acquaintances - Be Friendly. Family&Friends - Be Loving. Everyone&Everything Else - Be Compassionate)

---

HWJT report for the 4/12/16.

Got home at work at 3am.

Slept in until midday.

Gave Bdogg his cool down shower.

The ShamanMutt is well!

Will have something nice to eat soon!

Meta - 75%

Bio - 50%

Psycho - 76%

Social - 83%

---

All Is Well.

And So It Is.

MuchlyHappy

[CompulsiveLiar]

Mary lambie - Lance Armstrong.

I will look up Tara brach on youtube

Thanks brothers.

Panther

[1113]

Good morning my family,

Wow. KAITOA , you have left me a riddle alright and many questions...My head just exploded. In true PLCN style. You keep reaching for the stars bro. That is where you belong. Shine Bright Like a Diamond In The Sky.

Panther. Amy winehouse - just to keep the ball rolling. Bros are always bros. Never forget that.

Today I have PURPOSE. Thats the best feeling yet.

I slept without falling. My wish was granted. Last night anyway.

I have little time now to answer all those riddles because I must get my boy to school. But fear not......I will be answering them. PLCN style.

I will answer one the caught my eye instantly - I am looking for my soul mate. This is hard now....because her soul must be able to love two massive souls- mine and my sons My desire will tell me who she is as soon as my eyes meet hers.

I must finish my hobby - art is in my heart.

Later MY FAMILY.

Matt.

"Call me by my true name" -in the RAIN of self-compassion.

I like that part of her teachings.

[SourceShield]

Good Morrow Family.

Matt - Well Met!.

Bro, if you have specific things that you wanna talk about, with your dreams, if they ever get really OTT with all the falling, lets chat about it here. That way I can give it more respect because the dream thing is clearly very important to you.

You've mentioned it a few times now.

Are you okay?

For real.

Whats up with the dreams bro?

I will share briefly of what I 'know', and believe about dreams here for you, okay?

Sleep we need. <- You know why we have to sleep, right?

Just say if you dont.

Because I want to focus not on that process, but the 'dreaming' part. They're two different phenomena.

All life up until this very point right NOW is in the past.

Even if it was just one nano-second ago, that is now in the past.

All things that are 'in the past', are MEMORY.

Just that.

Life is but a memory.

The way that we respond to these memories, is our day to day life.

Memories are images and sound-bites.

Our 'dreams' are a way for the brainputer to 'process' all the images and sound-bites that we have 'collected' over life.

As we move and grow into our life, we collect more memories, these memories must be processed, and filed, and sorted - the human brain is incredibly efficient <- most of the time, for most of the people.

But, for those of us that may have a slightly 'disorderly' mind.

The processing of all the memory files etc may 'glitch' if it is met with 'bugs', that carry 'viruses' into the processing system of the brain.

All people with disorders or dysfunctions are affected by this, in some way, because in our 'waking life', this is when we live our life with all the disorders and dysfunctions etc, and when we sleep the brain needs to go into processing mode.

If we're on medication or other medicines etc, they too can alter the way the brain processes information, and memories, as we dream.

Matt -

In regards to your specific dream of falling.

I dare you to just accept and fall into the dream.

Falling is a common 'dream theme' for all of us.

You're never alone.

Love is always here.

The thing with dreams, is that in the dream, we usually have little control, unless we've mastered lucid dreaming.

But, its how we feel once we awaken from the dream.

If we're still feeling the effects of a dream when we are awake, that is something to discuss, how do the dreams make you feel Matt?

We can discuss coping strategies next.

---

Amy Winehouse = Walter Matthieu

Peace

[1113]

Master K Dogg,

My friend

My bro

My mentor

My soul mate - yes you can have a male soul mate and not be in "love". Im happy to say that, because i accept you bro. With open eyes. Hahahaha LAM. But all true.

Today I asked on OTT about Acceptance. Because that is what I am having problems with. My perfectionism and intelligence collided today. BIG TIME. I haven't looked at OTT yet. Go there in a minute.

I had a massive cry, yes full blown cry. I can see it all. Everything you say, i am assessing myself with compassion, and that second arrow is what makes me cry.

Extremely difficult because of perfectionism and intelligence. But i wasn't alone.............love my mum, her nature is compassion. But I rarely open up.

My eyes are fully open my friend. But I must be compassionate with my self.....even just allow that cry to release. Just that is very difficult. Showing compassion to others has allowed me to see my own. If ya know what i mean, which ya do, cos you da best. SENSEI.

DREAMS ARE SOMETHING FOR ANOTHER DAY.

you will be impressed with my new HWJT.

Posting it now.

ROCK N ROLL

TWIST AND SHAKE

SHAKE AND BAKE

bahahahahaha forget the last one.

Peace

michelle pfeiffer - my ideal woman. Not.

Matt.

[1113]

HWJT FOR THE WEEK

WILL UPDATE IT NEXT MONDAY. AND REPORT BACK ONCE A WEEK RE: HWJT.



Body:

Exercise 30 mins a day - swimming in the pool at 5pm with my boy.

Relaxation meditation - 1hr a day, sometimes I may need 2hrs but in intervals.

Eat well

Hydrate

Regularly visit my Dr.



Rewire the brain: infinite.

share an OTT and NPT everyday.

Relate to others OTT and NPT with compassion.

Think with compassionate eyes outwards and inwards.

Find some happiness

SNORT

Work on my hobby

Reach out to help someone

Do this HWJT

Regularly evolve my HWJT

Study emotional intelligence

Believe in myself

Love again

Go outside of my comfort zone

Learn to let go of perfectionism



Parental:

Support my son even more

Tell him how much I love him

Support his friendship with others

Teach him as I learn

See him with childs eyes and teach him compassion inward and outward





Spiritual:

follow my heart

Give thanks to the sun everyday

Stay grounded

Believe my soul is worthy

Believe good in others.



EVOLUTION

[SourceShield]

Master GoldenBoy!

Your HWJT looks sensational.

Nice one brozz.

---

Thank you for your acceptance.

You already know that you have my love and acceptance brother - So, I'm not going to repeat myself.

I see your compassion brother.

Kindred spirit.

I accept you too, SoulMate!.

---

I'm really glad to read that you have your Mum there with you.

Glad that you cried as well.

Let it all out man.

All good.

I have nothing but the deepest respect for you.

---

You mention two things ---

Perfectionism.

Intelligence.

---

Ease up on yourself, my brother.

Just for this one moment in time, believe in yourself, as I believe in you.

Perfectionism is a curse.

Reframe the thought.

See that ALL is perfect just as it is, otherwise it wouldn't exist.

I know that's a toughie, especially for those of use with all this 'stuff' going on in our lives.

But there is nothing in creation that isn't meant to be here brother.

That includes me, with all the 'issues' and 'conditions' that I have lived with.

And, YOU TOO BROTHER.

You are already perfect, just as you are.

If you had not been all that you are, you and I would never have met so perfectly like we have.

We had to be the way that we are, otherwise, life would not be as it is, this is The Way.

---

ACCEPTANCE <- Your senses were right Master Jedi. Acceptance is what we must talk about today. Thank you for posting that on OTT.

When will you accept that you are already perfect just as you are, Matt?

We call it, neurodiversity.

We are all different.

Accept it.

There are no wrong ways, back to the true Source of All.

We are all going to pass-on anyway, lets learn to enjoy the journey.

All is as it must be.

There can be no other way.

---

Intelligence.

True intelligence is holistic.

It looks different on all of us.

The footie player uses more 'bodyful intelligence-settings'.

The Chef develops a finer proficiency in other intelligence-settings, for example.

An intelligence-setting is how we finely tune ourselves to particular topics.

Like we would a radio.

We all tune our intelligence in accordance with lifestyle and need.

And, don't forget to add how the disorders etc, colour our life as well.

We are not here to achieve ultimate intelligence.

Self mastery...you can do it!

Accept your own intelligence, and be free brother.

Fall no more.

Fly like R Kelly!.

---

Michelle Pfeiffer = Papa Smurf.

---

Have you ever done lucid dreaming?

Astral travel?

Peace.

Kaitoa

[1113]

Thankyou bro,

I need to let go of my fear, and so now I do!

Be gone fears!!!!!

Hahahahaha.....LAM ..I actually really need to work on that.

Yes and yes. I don't feel comfortable talking about it.

Last night I heard "o come all ye faithful" sang by a choir in my head.

Goosebumps

Wow that felt so good.

Peace out

sharon stone

[SourceShield]

Too easy brother.

You know I'm here, if ever you do feel comfortable to 'talk' about whatever is going on with you.

Always.

---

Matt, you are a very intelligent man.

Don't allow any person or thing or thought to tell you otherwise.

Challenge those thoughts, people, things!

I don't associate with 'idiots'- you are not an idiot or stupid or dumb, at all.

Fear is a very closed off emotion.

Tara Brach teaches us that it's not necessarily about letting go of fear but more-so make room in our life for everything.

Just soften your edges to it.

Talk to the fear.

Buddha teaches us that 'when fear comes knocking', ask it in for tea!.

Know thy enemy.

If thine enemy is fear, do not cower from it, get to know it.

And, you're already doing this perfectly.

All the fears that we have had.

All the grief.

All of feelings and emotions.

Include it all in your SpiritWalk, and see that all is perfect.

You have a brilliant mind, and a great ocean full of compassion and kindness for others.

You are on the right path.

Just remember, we must crawl before we walk.

Walk before we run.

You are learning to stand strong on your Spirit Walk, brother.

Learn to enjoy this part of the process more.

Joyfulness is our birthright!

---

Sharon Stone = Steve Jobs

---

I love Christmas Carols too!

Silent Night - I love harmonising with other singers, to this song.

---

You are muchly loved, Matt.

PeaceBrozzle.

KDogg McBrozzletron.

[1113]

Thankyou Earth Angel,

Remember that one!

Oh my spidie senses are tingling.

I will walk my spiritwalk. Thankyou.

I see you.

I have to go and get my boy. Will chat later

Peace out

GoldenBoy restaurant

Out