My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[V17]

I am sorry 113 but I cannot sit back and say nothing - I hope you can forgive me.

SourceSheild, You may call this making a stand, I call it kicking a good man while he is down.

[SourceShield]

I get it.

But, and I aint mad...but I just cant.

I cant keep talking about the depression, as if its how my life is always gonna be.

Just as youve said - that anger for you right now is like oil and water...so is this.

I cant.

[SourceShield]

And, I do take offence at the 'kicking a good man down' line.

He knows that I would never intentionally kick him down - but he also knows that I speak my mind.

Thanks for kicking me down though.

But, what does that matter, right?

As long as you get to have your say - I forgot...I'm not allowed to say my piece.

Thats all.

The bro and I have had lengthy chats about this, we would chat and talk it out...and we are allowed to agree to disagree - thats the real world.

Also, please note I have not used many exclamation marks or capitalised any letters...Im not angry.

Im over just talking about the whole deal, as if this is the be all and end all...we can move on from this...thats what I believe and need to be with people that truly get that.

[1113]

Bro,

Again you got me......im taking the easy way out.

Always trying to please everyone else and not putting me first.

This is why you have to stay. Brother

Im goinb to stick up for you too.....bro..

Ok, so im not good at all. You know everything about me in a very short time.

I sick of pushing people away

I tired of giving in to it

I got a kid

Igot to get better for him

I gotta do it for me

I gotta bet back on that horse

I goota stop thinking everything is my fault

I gotta keep moving

Thankyou for pointing that out bro.

Only a true friend would have the balls to do that and I needed that.

Respect

Six

[SourceShield]

I know that!

This is why I knew I had to push you on this one...and then get told that I am kicking you down!

You were taking the easy way out - I wont let you do that anymore bro.

I dont care if 'they' dont get that...I truly get you.

We need people that can sometimes push us back to the light.

I am that bro for you!

[V17]

I am really glad then 1113, if you are cool then I will say no more in here and leave you be. I am sorry if what I wrote distressed you.

SS - I would like it if you please respect my stance on not writing on my personal threads anymore, thank you. I will respect you, and 1113 in return.

[SourceShield]

Bro,

I knew that - thats why I intuitively needed to push you on this one...we need people that wont just be 'yes' men the whole time.

I truly get you bro!

[SourceShield]

Thats easy.

Bye

[1113]

V17,

Something I have learned from ss is everybody's feelings are valid. Your right too. And I thankyou for sticking up for me. No need for forgiveness.

And you are so welcome to put in your opinion anytime you like.

SS is angry about his rights as a human being. I get that. I get that he is troubled too. And he has every right.

I called it just keep moving. I did that for a reason and I forgot.

Its so important to feel validation. But not from others but about yourself.

SS just needs to cool down a bit.

I know why your gutted bro. I feel for you. Your not misunderstood here.

V17, i know nothing about you. I Haven't read your story. Will you give me permission to read it.

Non judgemental

Non bais

Friendship to all.

Six

[SourceShield]

Bro,

You can believe this or not...but I sensed that this would happen...my Nan had the gift and said that I do too.

I feel that we have now turned a corner on this one...I knew you were holding yourself back.

Youre so much better than that.

You are such a loving father, and he deserves to have a healthy, happy Dad.

I apologise if this has caused stress bro - just breathe it out, let it go, and move on...

We are both better than this.

I believe in you, and I appreciate your belief in me too!

MuchLove my bro