My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

The thing is bro - Im ready to not be gutted or troubled anymore.

Im ready...as ready as I will ever be to live my best life.

And, I wont allow others to put words or actions in my 'mouth'...you knew that I was not kicking you down.

Rather, helping you back up again.

I find that so many people here just wanna focus on the downer bits...but theres more to life...I truly believe that!

p.s.

I'm calm and cool - seriously - I have a friend here with me...Im just not scared of speaking my mind.

And, I respect V17's stance...thats all good with me.

No loss - thats life...real friends, get you in the good and bad times.

[SourceShield]

Also bro - we must be careful there are people that will say...I accept you for you...but they dont really mean it at all.

Which is why we need people like you need a mate like me, and I need a mate like you...that really get it.

I am grateful for you bro.

I accept you.

LuvYa brother.

[1113]

Hey bro and v17, if your still reading,

My internet is slow and that all went way to fast. Just realized that that is all out of order. We where all posting at once and it looked like disrespect to v17. And that is not true.

V17 your valid. Just look at the post. I respect your opinion.

Im fine atm. Im by myself hiding behind my screen. In my comfort zone.

No disrespect at all

Six

[1113]

Bro,

Your autistic brain needs some time out.

We are Bros, I a man of my word.

Goodnight

Go do some SNORT ing.

Chat tomz

Six

[SourceShield]

Hey.

Im cool...Ive been making new friends...wink wink nudge nudge...

I feel that this is what I now need...if anything, these forums have made me want real-person contact again, even more-so...and thats a good thing.

The shame is...the breakdown in communication.

I get that, you and I have been chatting for awhile now, so I knew that I could push you.

Not too much, but just enough...for you to see that you were slipping back into the old ways again.

Because you have been doing so well lately - and you must stay focused on your son and your relationship.

But, I get that V17 would have seen the comment, and thought that I was kicking you - I get that she would want to defend you.

Thats a lovely thing to do but there was actually no need, as you know, because you knew that I had your best interests at heart.

Sometimes in forums like this, with all the we all have going on...its easy to misunderstand intentions.

However - I respect V17s stance now - and thats okay - her feelings are valid.

She has asked me not to comment on her personal threads - thats her choice. I can and will respect that.

Thats easy - as mentioned.

I do feel misrepresented, in that she believed that I was trying to kick you down...which just wasnt the case at all.

Never would be.

But, her feelings are valid.

As are yours.

And, so are mine.

We can agree to disagree - thats life.

And we dont have to panda to each others needs either.

That is real life.

We must maintain our boundaries...and let that be as it is.

You and I had been building this relationship, and it would be easy from the outside looking in, to not get it...but, we get it...and thats what matters.

Nothing has gone wrong here...everything is just as it must be.

Life is exactly as it must be for the three of us to keep moving forward.

There can be no other way...for none have an actual time machine.

Im done dwelling on the past...these past few weeks, Ive managed to expunge all of that from my system, and now I must live my best life, and I fully encourage all others to do so.

I was told too many times by an unhappy, bitter woman, my mother, that I dont matter - well, I do...and so do you bro!

We all do...I am safe to be me.

MuchLove

[1113]

Bro, and readers,

Ok. So. I'm going to write this post by challenging my every thought.....while not losing my identity/personality/dignity..well lets just say me. I am a worthwhile human.

I think I'm doing the best I can, but thats a lie. I lie to myself every day. I say I got this under control.......just keep moving.......lie. The concept of just keep moving is a good one and I'm not going to change it. I am going to modify the way I think about it. I will keep moving with a positive mindset instead of my negative habits. It's not going to be easy. But challenging my core belief is not something that I can just do that easily. It's going to take time and effort and I need to ask for more support .

I think i got it highlighted right?

HWJT 21/11/2016.

2+1+1+1+2+0+1+6=14 1+4=5

Day 5,

1. Change my negative habits.
2. Ask for support more
3. Talk to a stranger and look them in the eye.
4. Have positive feelings towards myself
5. SNORT
6. relax
7. Laugh
8. Put more time and effort into hwjt. Hahaha snort
9. Have fun
10. Get silly and worry less

End.

Ok,

Silly time...........what do you get when you cross an owl with a cow? A cowl.........mooooot........mooooooot. that cracks my boy up so much.

I need to get out more........Hahahaha

Bro,

Your an intense mofo! Thats why I love ya. You challenge my core belief. You can see the holistic picture and that scares some peeps. But not me.

But as a bro I got to tell you something,

I understand that you can see the picture and that even you have issues with it. Your intelligent enough to understand it but only human too. So I'm here for you too......

I get you because I live with a borderline autistic child with a high iq. He is very smart but just simple logic sometimes baffles him. I gotta be his mentor. Human emotions are strange at times. He needs me to be emotionally stable because he has problems with them too.

Thankyou my friend

For taking the time and effort to support me.

Stand up for your human rights bro. Write a letter.

Six

Ps

the birds are singing and I have two willywag tail babies in a nest outside my bathroom window. Nature is beautiful. Amber was playing with a young rabbit and it died. She didn't want to hurt it, she just wanted to keep playing. She dropped in my hands and it died of fright. She carried it like a toy.

[SourceShield]

Morning bro!

Firstly - I feel that its important to also report back at the end of the day, and to give an honest account of what we did and didnt do, in our HWJT - this way we stay truly accountable to the HWJT.

i.e.- lets say in my HWJT I say that I am going to walk Bundy...but I dont.

Then I'll tell you that...this will then allow us to become more and more honest and truthful with each other, and in turn, ourselves - this is very important because as this grows, we become more and more confident, and in turn our self-esteem, and self worth grow as well.

You and I both know that we dont judge each other - you know me now...you know I dont judge you.

I am intense and straight up...but I have never judged you.

Thats brotherly love!

Also bro - Look up Tara Brach, seriously. On Youtube - her teachings about emotional intelligence, mindfulness etc...are so spot on, and I think that she is such a truly beautiful soul...when I watch many of her youtube videos...I just end up bawling because she hits it right there on the spot.

The truth of the matter is - My Granddad, was a very, very, very rough man...he never beat me, I think its because by the time I came along he had mellowed...a bit!

But he had been a very violent man, and even though he never beat me, he was very rough with his manner and words...when I am having one of my autistic-moments, I slip back into what is familiar...and his way is still deep in there.

Top that off with the fact that the autistic brain is just wired differently...your son maybe the same...once our minds have been made up, about anything...we are like a dog to a bone - its hard to shake that mentality off - so the best thing is to just give me some time and space.

Im good like that...I have a short fuse,like Granddad, but that also means that I get over things quickly...I dont hold grudges. I have no time for that!

Thankfully my Nan was an earth angel...and she taught me well too. I love her so much!

---HWJT---

1) Appreciate music

2) Study&Research

3) Dance&Weights Routine

4) SNORT

5) Eat Well

6) Take Bundy for his walk

7) Have a peaceful evening

I am here for you bro, and I appreciate that you are here for me too.

But also remember this isnt a competition...dont rush things...if youre not ready to 'look people in the eye' - dont rush that...that could just make it worse, and bring on more anxiety...sending you back to the dark-beast again.

This journey is ours to forge, just as we like.

Enjoy your day!

[1113]

Hay bro,

They moved the post thread. Cool. Thats the best outcome for everybody. Thanks BB. Much respect.

I had issues with my first post. Had to post a reply to no one in the first page of the tread.

Good Idea bro....accounting for our actions. Love it.

So I didn't look a stranger in the eye. Did everything else. 40% effort...thats all I had. Energy wise.

Something hit me today...like really made me think. You turning around my words about dogs and the " feeding the black dog" statement. Also the competition thing.

I excel myself to try and understand anything that I put my mind to. I have for years tried to master depression.

Your statement about the " feeding the black dog" just hit me like a brick. It was absolutely brilliant.....thanks bro

Why do I have to master depression? Why do I have to understand it? When i got rid of those questions in my head i just realized........I can just let it go, I dont need to master it........I Its not something I have to excel at, its not a competition.......I'm fighting with myself. Why? What a revaluation. This is what I needed to understand forgiveness. I need to master my emotions......thats it.

Im not fixed at all though

I gotta keep moving forward and not static, like standing in one place all the time.

Do you get where I'm coming from?

Six

[SourceShield]

Hello my bro!

I actually didnt notice, but glad they did...I guess 'cause they can see that both you and I are actually genuinely committed to our own holistic health, and committed to helping each other through this, as well.

And that we are willing to keep at it...'til we get there!

And, it makes perfect sense...you know, I aint there either - but I guess, thats what I was really getting at yesterday...we dont have to master this beast - and you being willing to just let that go...is a milestone.

Youre a true genius, bro!

So happy for you.

Seriously.

And, I feel that 40% or 87%...its all good, 'cause you and I ARE moving forward with our lives, thats what counts.

As long as we are honest and truthful about it all.

We have nothing to gain by telling lies about it, but so much to gain by being as sincere as we can...and keeping it real.

I have many flaws, but I promise you, one thing I am actually good at...is keeping it real!

I did most of my HWJT...except the study bit!.

But, I know that I will catch up.

But to be COMPLETELY honest with you...I feel that I could give a little more effort to some of the stuff.

YES - I did do a workout...but it couldve been a lot better.

So, I will keep moving forward with that too!

Overall I have had a pretty sweet day - I would like to say that I still havent had a smoke of marijuana...and thats really big for me!

As mentioned, I enjoy it...but I am happy to keep taking a break from it...I am sure my lungs are happy about that too!

I gotta big day tomoz with work, so just chilling with the BDogg at the moment.

Youre the best bro!

Stay strong.

Hows my nephew?

MuchLove

[1113]

Bro,

I gotta tell ya about your nephew?

I see his triggers, watch his ups and downs....i seriously understand him. He had a ball with his friend and sleep over. But he cannot handle waiting, like the whole morning before we got his friend he was anxious, it was eating his energy. But when the moment arrived he switched on like a bright light. His brain was in over drive until his friend left. Then he hit a massive low. This morning when he woke up he was emotionally hung over. So was I. He wanted to cry and I felt like it to. But I stayed strong and got him to school.

He was dead when I picked him up, llike just crushed in the car. I said congrats....you seriously survived the day. He replied "only just".

Then I decided to SNORT. I explained it to him, told him I would only do it in the car and don't be worried that I look stupid. It was contagious.........brilliant........he turned around just like that. He was smiling happy and laughing.

We found a baby bearded dragon when we got home, he researched its habitat, diet and we had everything we needed to make it....so he has a new pet. Beardie.

Heres the thing though.........it was all cool when we where doing it...but after .........he realized that it meant a change in his routine, and it sent him nah nahs. But all good, because I know how to handle him. It just comes naturally to me.

He will wake in the morning and not want to go to school.

Routine is a massively big thing to him..any change and the world goes upside down.........just like me, im only like that when I have or are recovering from an episode. Im not even going to name the beast anymore. Maybe I'm a bit on that special side too. I'm going to do more reasreach into autism. Hfa.

Peace

Bros