My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[1113]

Hello bro,

When I posted this morning your post wasn't there.

I gotta take boy to piano lessons.

Will chat later

Chippin away like a trooper

Peace

[1113]

Just quickly,

Haggis, for the master of the ANU. The best part was the traditional drink the chef had to drink before calving up the horrible mixture of offal.

Fight a good fight with centerlink.

Peace

[1113]

Hello bro and readers,

I'm going to second SS on the joining the hwjt thingy. I'm a bit nervy about it. But we are all on a journey together. I don't judge people, just myself.

Confession time,

Last night I posted about Amber, my dog. That was extremely hard to do. Again, I am self judging/criticising. Which is kinda like paranoia. Anyway It was a hugh step. At the end of the post I had a distressing memory about "penny" (dog) the memories of our time, the stresses and a past major depressive episode and how she help me through it. Also the memory of digging the hole, the little funeral I gave her.....I had to be a dad and I repressed my emotions for a special little boy. I did grieve with him. But nowhere near as much as I should. It was about making him happy. Moving on etc.

I didn't sleep, triggered a bit of instability. So this morning my brain did a little bit of escapism. It took me until 2pm to pick myself up a little bit to be a dad.

Repression!!!!!!!!

I've done a lot of this. It scares the hell out of me. Slowly slowly, but it needs to come to surface for me to heal.

For this, I'm great full for my new friends.

So in my hwjt thingy.......love it btw.......when I'm able, I will bring something to the surface. A little at a time. Moving on...Actually escaping on,

Bro,

I feel ya. Appreciate your time. Joke time.

Whats the difference between a chef and god? God doesn't think he can cook.

I haven't smiled for so long that when I do it hurts my cheek muscles. Please tell me how to do that meditation. When you have time.......

Keep busy,

Love

laugh

Hug a dog, it doesn't matter who's, just do it.

Peace

Six

[SourceShield]

Hey Bro,

Firstly - did wanna say that your story about Amber and your son, and their relationship and closeness...is just awesome!

And, I feel ya, with the story of your other dog.

Grief and loss are real, therefore grieving that loss...must become a welcome part of the process...and that looks different on all of us.

You already know how I feel about Bundy getting on...

...anyway...

---SMILE MEDITATION---

I usually do this in bed, when I first wake up...to 'program' my day!

I lie there...

Deep, slow, intentional breaths...

Generate a smile that meets the eyes - in other words a really big smile, and yes, your cheeks will be feeling it!

Also, lift the eye brows...I wish I could upload a pic...but essentially your creating a really big smile, that meets the eyes, and lifting the eyebrows as well...the eye brows kinda like what you would do if youre really surprised!.

Big smile, eyebrows lifted...youll probably feel silly...but dont worry about that...no one will see you.

And, when youve got that sorted...think of as many things that genuinely make you smile or at least think of as many 'feel good things' - even if its just your son, thats plenty.

Sometimes for me, when I cant think of much...'cause I am having one of 'those' moments, I will just focus on Bundy...and thats plenty.

I do that for about 20mins now, but to start off with do it for as long as you can, but no longer than 20mins.

20mins is plenty to reprogram and rewire the pathways.

Also, watch out because youll also come up against thoughts that wont make you smile at all...thoughts like...why did she say that???...what did they mean???...why are they so mean to me???...just smile through those thoughts!

And, if crying comes up...allow yourself to go with those tears!

Crying is a great release of stress and cortisol, the stress hormone.

And, I find after a really good 'cry-release' - It makes my smile so much more meaningful!

Thats it.

Seriously.

Its not meant to be rocket-surgery!

Simple and effective SmileMeditation.

Now, I do it...anywhere...

...riding on the bus or train...

I dont give a rats who sees me smiling!

And, sometimes I must look like a complete loony-tune...ahhhhh well!

I know that this feels so good, and thats what I am going for!

Bro, have you heard of Abraham-Hicks?

They are an entity that a woman named, Esther Hicks channels.

Some of 'their' teachings are mind-blowing, and some just hit the spot.

Look em up...Youtube

MuchLove brother

[1113]

Thanks bro,

Sound like a plan, I will do the morning routine. I always wake with the birds and have some time then thats probably wasted with negative thoughts. Smiling Negative-Thought Replacement Therapy. SNRT. Thanks for the youtube references, I'll look it up.

You have a good rest tonight.

Calm shift at work

Chat soon

Brother6

142+239 posts each

1+4+2+2+3+9=21 2+1=3 tomorrow is day 3

[SourceShield]

...or, how about?...

...SMILING NEGATIVE-THOUGHT OVERRIDE THERAPY...

...or just...SNORT, for short!.

[1113]

Bahahahahaha bahahahahaha SNORT bahahahahaha bahahahahaha SNORT bahahahahaha. Its working already

Peace

[SourceShield]

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAH BOI!!!!!

[SourceShield]

Ohhh man, I am in a very, very good mood, at the moment...

...just need to share it, with a mate!

So, I gotta be honest...

...I make good money doing what I do, but as mentioned I am moving to Melb, so all money that goes through my account is literally accounted for, and rather hard for me to 'get to', if you know what I mean - I have to sign off for it like blah, blah, blah...

But, I do get to keep all cash, from cash jobs that I do.

This week, I was unable to work for two clients, that usually pay me in cash and theyre usually my 'pocket money' - One was a muck up from both sides, so I am seeing them next week...so, thats all good, but the other has just wasted my time again for the second time this week, changing times and not even turning up...which is a real pain because I ordered my day around them.

Anyway, due to that...I have $20cash on me.

And, because its after 5pm...I cant get to my bank money until Monday - I purposefully dont have cards or anything like that - 'cause I like to spend $$$ - I likey them nice things!!!, and usually there is no issue...'cause I earn good cash, in the cash jobs!

But, with $20 to use till Monday, I would also have to cancel my shift for tomorrow, because it would cost about that much in trains and buses to get to the client...BUT I have to get Bundy some food.

Bundy comes first.

BUT...

Its like I knew that this was a test...I would usually go into a total panic mode, and do something stupid - call the clients up and abuse them, or just go off the rails...the stress would do my head in and to 'relieve' that, I would hookup with some stranger etc etc etc...

Anyway, this time...I emailed the client that I am working for tomorrow, and told them the truth!

Thats big for me, because I hate asking for help, which is essentially what I was doing - I dont have money, but am happy to work, can you guys help me?

And, straight away, they emailed me back and told me that they can help me...this is of course because they need the workers tomoz, so them helping me is in their best interests!

But, what I am most grateful for is that I reached out for help, got the help I needed, and received it graciously!

I can be rather pig-headed when asking for, or more-so, in not asking for help...when I really need it...so I feel that I have turned a corner on this one!

To celebrate I am enjoying a little snifter of ginger wine and soda water...my drink of the moment!

I am really proud of me right now.

HAPPINESS4ALL!.

[1113]

Good morning bro and everyone reading,

Its 445am. 4+4+5=13

Day 3,

Brother, I replied to your post on the pet tread.

Today I have a busy day and can't sleep. Have just rested in with short intermittent naps. The medication side affects atm are night sweats. I am a combination of 2 ssris, morning and night. But its helping. I've been on this before and when im well i have been able to reduce it down. But my specialist says that I may have to stay on this forever to stop a relapse. I don't want to believe that. Its horrid.

HWJT 19/11/16

Part of my journal is going to be about parenting. Actually for the next day and a half that will be my main priority.

Boy has a like minded friend coming for a sleep over.

I can do this

It wont be easy

It will consume every ounce of mental energy I have

Im going to start my day with a SNORT smiling Negative-Thought override therapy.............btw we might need to change that one......otherwise I will have explain it every time I post and that kind of defeats the purpose. Hahaha

Then I will watch the sun come up.

Find my center and relax

Happy thoughts all day long

End.

I will have time to check up with you bro.

Have a great day

Peel up a storm

Live

Laugh

Give

Hurt

Love again

Hug bundy the big lovable creature.

6