My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[SourceShield]

NICE!!!

Yes - I have heard that as well re: getting a pup.

Most definitely something that I will consider, once we make the move to Melbourne.

Bundy - not the name that I would have given him, necessarily - but so called because he looks like a polar bear - Hence...Bundy, from the Bundy Rum Polar Bear - He is a genius mutt, if ever there was one!

He is VERY GOOD with young pups, and I feel that he would make a great DoggyMentor!!!.

I love animals too, and sometimes I enjoy them for dinner with tomato sauce....so sorry, such a horrible joke!

But, we've had two dogs before, and cats - a Russian blue and a jet black cat.

Just beautiful.

Horse riding is awesome.

Havent ridden in years, but I do enjoy it.

Our pets, IMHO, are some of THE BEST THERAPISTS there are.

Bundy, has 'saved' my life, many times...just knowing that he exists, makes me smile.

Glad that you know the love of your pets too.

Valuable.

I'm actually just waiting for it to get a little darker, and more importantly a little cooler...than we will trek out for our walk.

Whats for dinner bro?

[1113]

Good morning,

Your a blink'n mind reader. Hahaha dinner was a few animal parts minced up and stuffed in stomach lining with tomato sauce (sausages), can't live like a king every day.

I wake with the sound of birds and try to limit my screen time before bed. Don't sleep so well. My mind never turns off. I've done so much meditation over the years that i can lay in a state of consciousness but relaxed enough for rest. Only when that happens my head rings all day.

I'm a nosey bro now....

So the move to Melbourne isn't playing on your mind?

My son is a creature of comfort, routine. Everything has to be the same and change is very disruptive. Separating from his mum was and still is extremely hard. So challenging at the best of times. Ring any bells? The only thing Separating him from autism is his social skills.

My lastest dog is a lab. So attentive and never leaves my side. They know when things aren't right and give extra emotional support by instinct. 3yr old. So easy to train. She sleeps at my feet wherever they are at the time. Hahaha a bit lazy really, never met a dog that could eat all day.....if she could.

A got a busy day but will be back tonight. Maybe a new recipe.

I'm going to put on my ASICS and hit the pavement.

I hope they are still not watching me!! Agoraphobic joke.

Have a geat day

Six

[SourceShield]

Morning Brother.

You're a crack up!

Did you see them...WERE they watching you?

Am I a bit nervy about Melbourne???

Man, this 'move' to Melb has been like 2 years in the planning because I am THAT 'thingey' about it all.

To be honest...I really hope that I do move because I am over Brisbane but I could see myself just staying here because the move is too much, BUT - I really need support on this one because...

...I really do wanna move to Melbourne.

I have some genuine aspirations and goals that I want to get sorted.

And, Melbourne is part of that.

In typical me style...I, of course, have my 5 year goals all written up.

So, I need you to keep encouraging me to make that move!

Even writing about it, gets me a bit 'twitchy'.

Does your son have ticks?

I dont have ticks but I tense my muscles in my fist...like I am getting ready to fight, but it looks more like a twisted claw!

Autistics usually have some kinda tick, twitch or muscle tension thing going on!

I've noticed that my sleeping patterns have changed lately.

I usually sleep quite well.

But not lately, hence me being on BB a lot at the moment.

I'm doing my best not to toke too much herb, if you know what I mean...

I actually really like the stuff.

I know we are probably not meant to say that...because its illegal.

But, I have tried all the pharma meds, and all the other chems too.

The herb is the only one, IMHO, that works for me.

But, I really dont like being hooked on ANY drug or chem, so I am doing my best NOT to smoke it so much.

I feel that because I am doing less at night, my mind is just wandering all over the place.

The herb helps me to sleep.

Thats just me being truthful.

I have tried all the herbal teas and stuff.

Nothing else works, for me.

Again, I could get all sciencey...because theres heaps of current research that actually supports the use.

As long as its managed.

But, to me...I have to do what feels right and best, for my journey now and I will no longer allow myself to be swayed by others, if I just dont agree with them.

And, I believe we can still be ourselves...without causing harm to others.

Freedom - Free Dominion.

I'm big on that concept!

I love Labs.

We had one when I was a kid.

'Jamie' - but I was too young to care for her, and she just got fat, then my parents had to take her for a walk...and she never came back!

I blamed myself for not being a good caregiver.

Did you know I am a Chef too???..

Hope your day was okay bro.

[1113]

Hey brother...

..btw your also an uncle. Congrats.

I did it. Ran 6k after 4months and an extra 10kg. Wow...where they ever watching me, you couldn't miss me....jiggling all over the place.

My son doesn't have ticks, just fleas. Hahaha.. got that out of my system LETS GET REAL

Herbs are just that HERBS. When prohibition was around alcohol was evil. In some countries you can have a beer in maccas. We wont even go to Amsterdam!!!!! Me personally...don't drink, smoke at all and I'd like to say no drugs but that's impossible with my condition. I want to live as long as i can for my boy. Each to there own. Chefs just get it, we live on a different plain. Pressure has a different meaning!!!!

Next time don't point yourself out in a line up. The word "illegal" gave you away....bahahahahaha....the world has bigger problems to worry about.

Are they watching you now?

Here's a trick: if you wear glasses just take them off...hehehe.

The run has released some funny chems in my head...natural high, but i was really unbalanced after it which i was expecting. Im on a large dose of ssri's and haven't run with this balance before. My eyes where wackin out of focus. Forward and backward after the run when i was cooling down. Did some heavy breathing and slow walking for 20mins after. Seemed to go away after deep relaxation.

All in all a good day

I can remind you to move, cool updated profile pic.

I plan to stick around for a while.

Share a recipe bro "whats cooking good looking"......I'm done tonight

Have a good night..... mary jane..

Six

[SourceShield]

Hey bro!

Youre another one that keeps giving me all these nicknames.

And, of course...thats all g.

To be honest though bro...with HFA, and all autistic peeps, we find it a lot more difficult to tell lies, than others.

Its how our brain is wired, and all that...so, I am always the one that says whats on his mind...even when I shouldnt!.

Your son...my nephew...maybe the same too.

I see it as a good thing.

I used to 'lie' all the time, just to fit in but that used to do my head in more!

And, I am actually totally okay with MaryJane.

I enjoy it but as mentioned, I wanna be the one that is in control of the thing...and not the thing in control of me.

MAN...

That is so good - going for a run!

Keep at it bro.

I dont do commercial kitchen work anymore...I work as Personal Chef.

Is that something you've looked into bro?

Its a great little micro-biz...if you ever wanna go down that path, let me know...I can help ya out, to get started.

You can work from home.

No uniform.

Set your own rate and hours...suits me perfectly.

I will post a recipe later.

I've gotta get off BB, and clean me room, walk the mutt and eat some good food.

Dont over-do it either bro...you wont get a medal for being exhausted all the time, even if you have run a marathon!

Thanks for being a brother...seriously!

I miss my brothers.

I have three, I am the eldest, but we havent seen much of each other in the last few years - them being in NZ, and they still dont fully 'get' the whole mental health and emotions thing...but I really miss that 'brother' energy.

LuvYa bro.

MJ.

[1113]

All good bro,

I never had a brother and I usually push people away with my intensity. To be honest with you I don't have many relationships in real life. I don't get a lot of people, personalities confuse the hell out of me. I'm trying my hardest here on bb. Hopefully I can take this into the real world. I get through life outside in the real world by being focused on work and over achieving. Respect is naturally given then.

Your a great brother, you understand me due to your intelligence and experience.

I did over do it. I was pumped on adrenaline well before I started. Wasn't emo - intel. I downloaded a ebook on that subject and studying now. I don't read so well, partly dyslexic. Words jump around on the page. School was hell for me and i was one who slipped through the system. Ebook readers aloud is great. I hear more than words.

But somehow i think you already knew that. Not mind readers. Just emo intel.

My boy is sick today. Time to give him love and affection and security.

Peace to you bro

I'll be on bb a bit today.

If your around we can challenge our belief in some way.

I had many non-related bothers in the past and had to say goodbye to them at funerals. Another wound I'm prepared to open.

Stay real

Six

[SourceShield]

All g, bro!

If there's anything that you hear in the emo-intel stuff, that you dont get or wanna discuss, let me know!

I have some big work bookings for the next two days, and a huge day cooking at some Polo event...its a schmancy affair for the 'wealthy folk' here in BrizVegas, on Saturday.

Which is really good.

I'm taking as many clients on that I can atm - to save up for the move to Melb.

I wasn't always a good bro - I used to be a terrible brother. A bully and a thug.

I am actually a real shortie, compared to my giant brothers...but I could always use my words to break them.

My 'size' meant nothing to me!

I get that from my Mum, and Grandfather.

Back in the day Mum was rather cruel, with her words and her behaviour.

She was very unhappy, and would take it out on me especially.

Mum is a happy lesbian now, but wasnt like that then...and so, me being gay, was too close to home for her.

She was still closested - even though it was obvious to me - but my gayness, was confronting for her.

She could be very mean.

So as a kid, I adopted her 'fighting style', whenever she would use her words and lash out...I would fire back at my brothers.

Its a common 'chain of command' response - when the Boss goes off at the manager, the manager goes off at the workers.

Mum went off at me, I go off at my brothers.

I regretted that for many years, because I truly do love my brothers.

A big part of me being as healthy as I can be, is because I want to be able to look my bros, and Mum in the eye, and just tell them that I love them.

And that its all good...from my side, anyway.

There were no winners...everyone would lose something...their sense of pride...a finger!

Nah, I never lost a finger but I lost my brothers love, and I am gonna get that back!

If ever you wanna talk about 'losing your bro's' too, I'm here man!

Im proud of you for downloading the book tho bro...keep at it!

And, keep at the exercise...but just balance it out a bit too.

I still have around 5kgs to shake off.

How about you and I...start our own little 'Health&Wellbeing' journal thingey too...just on this thread but to keep us both motivated, we just keep posting about what we've done i.e. exercise, readings etc that have helped, and diet stuff?

That would help me too because being healthy as a dad...which I am gonna be someday, is super important.

Im gonna be healthty and well for my kids and me.

I hope your boy is okay.

He has an amazing dad

StayAwesome brother

MuchLove

[1113]

Hey bro,

Sounds good. Health&wellbeing journal time... HWJT.....in a convo.

I've taken a big step and changed my profile pic to my dog, hasn't changed yet.

Peace out

[SourceShield]

Sweet - HWJT - it is!

I can see the pic now...nawwwww, cool man!

Congrats on that big step too!

PeaceBrother!

[SourceShield]

HWJT - Journal Entry - 16/11/16....oooooh I just saw that date.

I get a bit thingey with numbers!

Not superstitious but I 'notice' numbers!

Anyway, thats actually NOT what I was writing for...

---TODAY---

I have run out of marijuana - And, I am not going to get anymore...for now.

Thats a big step for me because I used to ALWAYS have to have some when I got home at night.

I still enjoy it - and I am not gonna be swayed by anyone on that - but I do want to smoke it less.

For many reasons.

So, I am entering that into my journal log - to stay accountable.

Also - I am just about to do a bit of a workout.

I used to be a professional performing artist - dancer, singer etc etc...

I love to dance.

Gonna get me dancing shoes on and dance for about an hour.

Than, lift some weights.

I only have a set of dumbbells atm - but I have learned that lifting smaller weights actually activates the muscles more, when first starting to lift weights, than trying to haul huge weights, which can just bring on muscle fatigue.

And that aint good.

Will lift weights for about - 40mins.

Then I MUST eat something - I am really bad with eating, even though I LOVE food...like a maniac...when I eat I love it to bits but I just have to remember to eat!

So, thats going in the journal as well - to keep me accountable.

Than I have work - its a big event tonight.

Finish at midnight.

My sleeping patterns have not been the greatest lately, and I love sleep and I always have very vivid dreams, so getting my sleep back to scratch is good...I havent been smoking much lately and I would normally smoke weed at night, like a sleeping pill.

But, since I havent been doing that lately my body is readjusting.

Also, part of my HWJT is to bring more harmonious-balance and I am going to mediate, on the train to work, and get in some good 'music appreciation' time as well...I love my music!

It is so healing..on so many levels.

Thats my entry for now.

PeaceOut