My daughter is angry at the world and me

[blondguy]

Hey Everybody. I ma really stuck and need advice with my daughter. I love her to bits but she is angry at the world and me. I have been on the forums since January and being an old guy I just thought I ask for some help. Here is some background...if you can help me

• She gone all gothic and weird...post natal depression...wont talk about it or accept any help...
• Dyed her long blond hair jet black and wears a lot of black and umm...self injured last year when she couldnt see her married BF..
• She sent me a MMS of her 'injuries'...that really hurt to see
• Has just had a baby to her boss...he is married with 3 kids..and he has warned her not to say anything
• she asked me to borrow my 2007 XR8 when she had her car impounded and I said no...Now I am evil for saying no
• i did mention that under 25's cant drive the XR8...she didnt care...she just wanted to use it..I still said no...
• Christmas day 2015 I turned up with presents at her place and she said.."I have had a late night...can you come back tomorrow"?

I use bullet points so it would be easier to read and respond to. (I cant stand mega paragraphs) Do I just give her space...or just a phase?

She lives 10 minutes away and has 2 great kids to 2 different dads. I daughter who is 3 and her new baby son who is about 3 months..She doesnt do drugs. She wants everything now ....Platinum Foxtel...Leather lounge....VE SV6 Commodore.....and the single mums pension of course.

I spend a lot of my time on the Depression/Anxiety threads....but I am lost here....should I just let her find her own way? Any thought/opinion would be gold to me right now.....also...whats an emo?....and yes Im serious..is it a dark and depressed person?

Thankyou for reading and please do respond if you can help...Have a great weekend too!

My kind thoughts and respect

Paul 🙂

[Quercus]

Hi Paul,

I was wondering if you were ok. You've been around the forums a bit but your posts haven't sounded quite 'right' (as in not quite yourself).

If you need to talk I'm here (and everyone else will jump in no doubt once they hear you've been struggling). Is there anything in particular we can do to support you? I read this thread but am still not quite up to speed on your story I'm sorry. Do you find mindfullness helps you when you feel like this? Just thinking of your other thread I suppose.

Your compliment means a lot to me. I don't like conflict much so sometimes I think my replies sound fake. But as time passes I'm getting more comfortable here. The potty mouth has been let loose arrrrgh!

What kind of field did you work in? No need to answer if you don't want to of course. What do you do now to keep yourself busy (and out of trouble like my Grandad used to always say)? Any chance you like gardening? I can talk your ear off about that there will be no time for MI 😊.

I do mean it about being here if you need to talk. Champion or not we're all human and maybe it's time for you to ask for some more support too. Take care of yourself please 😊

Nat (or Quercus if you prefer).

[blondguy]

Hey Nat 🙂

Ive been in a mental 'fog' recently so yes I havent sounded quite 'right'

Thankyou heaps for the offer to talk...I will take you up on your kind offer.

My daughter self harmed (again) around 2 months ago and I have lost some of my focus. I have tried every avenue available to me with no avail. I cant lead a horse to water and make it drink....doh

What you said is GOLD Quercus......."I do mean it about being here if you need to talk. Champion or not we're
all human and maybe it's time for you to ask for some more support too. Take care of yourself please 😊"

There is no difference between a 'Champion' or a member on the forums. You are spot on. I joined in January 2016 after being made redundant and am now a volunteer to provide support to people in pain

Your replies/input to the forums are sincere, non judgemental and highly valued Nat.

I am happy that you are part of the Beyond Blue Forums Nat.

Paul

[Starwolf]

Hi Paul,

I don't need to ask how you are...I know what the answer would be. I'm just here today to offer a calm presence in the middle of the storm.

We all struggle sometimes. At such times, it is easy to become over-sensitive and over-reactive. We are human. We feel pain and respond to it the best way we can. Please give yourself a break, even if those around you don't.

I don't like controversy either. Sometimes, retreat is a show of wisdom and strength. Besides, leaving the battlefield means you can no longer be a target. You know what I mean...

Always here if you need a chat.

[CMF]

Hi Paul,

Well firstly i must apologise, i hadn't seen this thread before. I know you have had a few struggles over the last few months and have been in a brain fog lately yet there you are supporting me and others.

Just want you to know i am here for you anytime, you always have my support and i do care about you.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi Paul,

I did see you mention your daughter's SH on another thread which prompted me to find your thread and see if you had asked for support. The fact that she has two young children and is harming is very upsetting. You are right you cannot force her to get help just encourage her and be there for her.

However... you can make sure the kids have support by being present. Kids can never have enough good strong role models. Role models who love them and they can rely on are even more important. You may not be able to stop your daughter from SH but you can make sure the kids know exactly how to contact you if they need help and how to ring an ambulance and give their address. Just in case.

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position. To have to watch your child suffer is horrible regardless of age. Thank you for reaching out. I wish I had answers but I don't just a whole lot of compassion and well wishes.

I hope you are able to enjoy Father's Day (even if your daughter is in a bad place right now and isn't appreciating you that does not mean you aren't doing a great job as a Dad). My friend told me this week you are not a Mum until your child has said they hated you because it means you are doing your job properly. I'm sure that counts for Dads too 😊.

Please take care of yourself Paul and write whenever you feel like talking ok.

Nat

[geoff]

hi Paul, you know that there are many people here on this site that are 100% behind you and understand the complexity of the situation, but what we have learnt only by experience that has tormented ourselves, it isn't easy to make someone else realise the best course of action.
It's not the immediate effect but what is best in the long term, but you have to look after yourself first, that's your major priority.
Take care. Geoff.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Mr Woof ( Paul),

I am so sorry about your daughter. It must be heart wrenching to know she is struggling so. And if you are having other struggles there , well my heart goes out to you.

Shelleybelly ( the cute name you have me once)

[CMF]

Paul,

Happy Father's Day, i hope you have had a nice day today despite everything you are dealing with. You are a great dad.

cmf x

[blondguy]

Hey everybody 🙂

Thankyou so very much for your heartfelt and caring support...It means more to me than you know Star, Nat,Country Music Festival, Geoff, Shelleybelley 🙂

My daughter has two kids..one girl 4 and a boy toddler. When I have the strength I will become more involved but its not an option as my MH wont support a complex situation like this one. I cant even confirm if child services are involved due to the privacy act. My brain hurts

Love you all very much and your advice gold

Bear Hugs. Paulx

[Quercus]

Hi Paul,

What a distressing situation for you to be in.

Is your daughter open to any kind of discussion about seeking help? Does she SH because she is suicidal? Does she think her children at risk?

I can't say I have much of an idea about child services but I wonder... Do they even get involved if what she is doing doesn't physically hurt her kids? Is it possible her kids have no idea about it? If she isn't suicidal and the kids don't know would child services even deem them at risk? I have no idea.

No need to reply to my questions I am thinking aloud.

I have self harmed. And never in a billion years would I hurt my children. Hubby said if SH became a coping mechanism for me he would feel the kids were at risk and would leave with them. I agree with him. Because they come first.

But what I am trying to say is just because your daughter self harms it doesn't mean she is capable of hurting her children.

Also just knowing that you are aware and concerned for the kids is motivation in itself. I found I was grateful for hubby saying what he did because it forces me to monitor myself and protect myself. Because I know what I stand to lose and am not willing to lose my family.

I feel that needing to look after yourself and step back is nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about...because you're already doing things that help her.

• Honest communication.
• Making her aware you are concerned for her and the kids.
• Making her aware that if the kids are at risk you will take action.
• Reminding her that you love her and are willing to support her when you are able.
• Reminding her of what she stands to lose.

These are all (in my view... Maybe others feel differently and that's ok too) good helpful things. The reality is that she is an adult and her actions are her choice. But she does need to be reminded that she is responsible for the wellbeing of two children. And if this means calling child services herself if she feels it is needed than so be it.

You are a great Dad Paul. And you're doing fine given the awful circumstances. She knows you are concerned and there for her. Now take care of you. Have you done any meditiation lately? Exercise?

Thinking of you and hoping you can get some rest and look after yourself. Take care please.

❤ Nat