Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

[lookingforme]

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

[james1]

I hope that made some sense! Five days' thoughts condensed into one post is a bit tricky, haha. And I hope it doesn't sound too negative...I'm back to being much more stable today and, touch wood, Uluru will help that mood along.

Auditory hallucinations…do you mind elaborating on that a bit more (if you’re comfortable of course)? Do you know what they’re saying/sound like or when they come up more frequently? That’s a really scary thing to realise. Will you be starting your psychologist sessions again tomorrow?

[lookingforme]

Hey. That is a lot. I'm sorry you went through all of that in a matter of days, but yes, it all made sense to me. I can imagine that more needs to be said.

Believe it or not, I've had a similar week. Except for the suicide miss. More self injury than that. Though I have brushed past that and survived a full fledged one more than once. Would you like to elaborate on anything (if you want)? I am here for you, even if it is just one word; help. I hope you can remember that. I know it is difficult for me to remember.

I think it is definitely a difficult concept to grasp. I never even used to think about identity much. I just thought that being changeable was a part of life. I accepted it as such. But being forced to confront it, to look at myself and see what actually is there? That made it hard. The diagnosis pushed me down a path that I have been skirting for years because I knew the calamity that would result. Whenever I do think about it, my natural default is to detach. Function as a response to my environment and it's requirements rather than contributing to the environment, if that makes any sense...

Trust is definitely a huge issue for me. Anybody..I can't trust that I can be what I am around them, that they won't walk away that I won't push them away. If you don't mind me asking, what happened with your parents/mum? I understand about the old you squashing the new you. It happens too often, you pick yourself up too often Exhaustion sets in...

To be honest, I don't know if anybody knows who they are. What that even means, it seems such an impractical notion. To be something. I am human. I know this. What else is there? I have no knowledge of what other people identify themselves as, so I honestly cannot know what I'm doing wrong. As I said before, I just thought being a chameleon was the norm. What do you define identity as? Start there.

They are defence mechanisms. But what is wrong with safeguarding yourself? If I didn't have them, the amount of self destruction that would have happened. That has already happened. If you are safeguarding yourself out of necessity, isn't that a part of who you are, a survivor? You show resilience by keeping on. I know it isn't much of a life, but it is there for foundation. But I understand what you mean. A mass of brokenness. Nothing able to stand for long.

I know I'm not exactly positive, but I see strength and resilience and a survivor.

[lookingforme]

It makes sense, and I understand. I am glad you are in a more stable place. Can I ask if you are on any meds? I hope Uluru helps.

I essentially hear a voice. It sometimes whispers my name, calls it out in a taunting way, or a beckoning way; tells me to be quiet or shut up. I also see shadows and feel like I'm being followed when I am sleep deprived or exhausted, and can walk in the world of my dreams, so I can get quite on edge, especially with that voice. It's more frequent when I am stressed, which I have been so badly the last few months. It's pretty unsettling. I already didn't feel safe with me, and now I just remove myself from me a lot. I essentially erased myself from my surrroundings once and just sat atop a cloud watching over me and everyone else. Focussing has been quite difficult also.

I have been sticking with exercise at least and have been able to break though that thing holding me hostage from math. But the emotional falls are felt more though. I feel like I'm paying a steep cost for existing and wanting more for myself.

Yup, starting up with someone new, I hope it works out.

[james1]

Thanks a lot for the reply and offer of support. It's people like yourself and the others on this forum which keep me going in those bad times. And letting you know that you've helped is the biggest thank you I can give.

I spoke a lot about detaching with my psychologist this week. It seems like one of our biggest coping mechanisms, and perhaps easier for people with a weak sense of identity. I totally understand what you mean by functioning as a response to the environment. It's that sense of auto-pilot. Most of the time, auto-pilot works but sometimes, when we're vulnerable, something catches us off guard and sends us down a bad spiral.

And that segways nicely into your question about family!

I realise now that I've been auto-piloting basically forever, and hiding all my feelings of being alone, abused, unloved, etc. I am pretty sure both of my parents either suffer from BPD or narcissitic PD - I can't tell which. And neither of them will admit it, or want to seek help. My childhood was basically comforting them despite all the abuse and threats of their own death, paranoid thoughts about the other partner hurting (fatally) one of us, etc, and ignoring my own feelings because that would've been too much to handle. On top of that is the excessive controlling behaviour and guilt-tripping. So it's safe to say that home is pretty toxic for me and, thankfully, they level it at me mostly and not my sister.

So when I think about myself and my identity, I know in my head that, because it hurts so much, there has to be something inside which is me. But, having never known what that was because I've emotionally spent myself supporting my parents all my life...well, it's hard to even start to rebuild that identity, or try digging for it. I don't know where to start.

To me, identity is being safe in knowing something about yourself, and that this knowledge would hold even if there were no other people in the world. For example, the statement "I like playing soccer with other people" could be an identity statement if it's true whether or not other people in the world exist or not. But for me, I can't say that. I don't know if I truly like playing soccer, or if that's just another image I put on to please others and fit in.

And yes, I tell myself I'm a survivor. But even then, I sure would've given up ages ago if there was no one else in the world.

Aha, I realise that also sounds really negative. I swear I'm in a good mood!! haha.

[james1]

No meds, and I'm desperately trying to avoid them if I can. Though sometimes I wonder if they'd help when something breaks me out of my detached mode and my emotions go crazy...I don't know. I'll see how the psychotherapy goes. Do you have any experience with meds that you'd feel comfortable sharing? I feel like I should at least consider them.

That sounds really unsettling...I know I'm overly afraid of shadows and I've always got this terrible feeling when I walk home, but not to that extent. It sounds like you detach to avoid this feeling as well? It does sound like something to talk to the psychologist about, especially the harming if that's related as well.

It's interesting that online, the most common image people use of people with BPD is that they've suffered burns to their entire body so everything feels so raw emotionally. And while that's true, there's also the complete opposite where we don't even have that body because we pull away from it so much.

Life seems to be a matter of polar opposites in everything we do and feel.

[lookingforme]

Hah, I believe you James, honestly. If not for the words then definitely for the fact that you got back on the forums and are writing about it.

You are simply stating what is true for you, there is no negativity or positivity. It simply is. And you telling me I have helped is something I truly appreciate.

You are right, there is a level of complacency on auto pilot. Thing is, again there sees to be no middle ground. Hyper awareness or autopilot.

Sounds like you had it very rough, and the fact that you are comforted by that type of childhood not being exposed too much to your sister speaks volumes about your character. You are a good guy. I just copped a lot of verbal abuse and negligence and ended up taking care of myself more, I got used to not relying on other people. So...when I started doing things to myself I started questioning how self reliant I can be. That was the one thing I had. And this depression took it away. I'm told it isn't my fault but it looks like me and sounds like me so...

I get what you mean about comforting your parents though. You grow up making sure that their needs are tended to more than yours, for me it went totally unnoticed, and then I would be constantly told that I was a disappointment who never thought or considered them, and that I go out of my way to hurt them. Things is...they remember none of it, and I'm trying my hardest to forget. Being back with them...is very difficult for me, to say the least.

If you know someone is there to feel the things you feel, why not start by changing things so that what you feel is more than pain? That there can be pleasure? And by trying various things and realising you can do things and enjoy it, keep doing it? I was told by the counsellor I speak to weekly, that even if I know how quickly and drastically my feelings can change, if I was happy for just a minute in the day, don't think it was only a minute and everything fell apart, but try and think, I was happy for a minute today.

we both seem to have identities as we see something in each other. Even if there was no one else in this world, it wouldn't change the fact that you are a survivor. And if you tell yourself you are, is that not something that you identify yourself as? We have all made it this far because of something. I know I have reasons that are external to me. But, so what? We never denied we needed others, it's just had for us to keep them or relate. We all need know we need help, so we write on here

[lookingforme]

You bring up the very reason why I brought up meds. I've been on meds for over a year now. At first only Antidepressants, and then another was added and switched and then I found out about the BPD purely because I asked, as I looked ready to accept answers. So I was also put on mood stabilisers. The antidepressants took me only so far ad I'm sure that's why a second was added, mainly to treat my anhedonia. But, with these mood stabilisers, even though I get a rough day, it isn't as frequent and isn't as polar. I can detach but the need for it is less. It isn't a fix, but I attribute the fact that I was able to just stop self injury, and start exercising and keep doing it in spite of everything I do feel, plus the fact that I can stomach the thought of a future beyond a month and go back to working for it, to them, and so I will definitely put up with the meds. It is worth considering. It doesn't have to be a permanent thing. Having said this, it has taken a while and a lot of tweaking, and I still sleep poorly so..more will be happening. Food for thought I guess.

It is quite unsettling, and I get frustrated at myself. The black dog has a friend. The other day, I was looking over my shoulder so much my skin felt quite sensitive. I will be having a chat with the psychologist depending on comfort and the psychiatrist as well. It weighs on me heavily that I need a team of other people to help me take care of myself when I'm so used to doing it on my own.

[james1]

This really spoke to me:

"So...when I started doing things to myself I started questioning how self reliant I can be. That was the one thing I had. And this depression took it away."

I wonder if people with BPD generally feel quite self reliant -because- they're afraid of being left to their own devices, but because of all the other BPD symptoms, this self-reliance backfires at some point. It seems to make sense right? And losing your only sense of self, your self-autonomy, really burns through your confidence. Ah, that's tough, but I guess like your friends have said, you're still who you were before the diagnosis whether you believe it or not. That very capable, self-dependent person is still there. You've just lost sight of her.

Yes, I absolutely understand you. It's so hard, when you've tried for so long to help, but you're told that you're a disappointment. And not a disappointment in the academic or sports sense of the word, but that you've failed to be a good family member and a good person. I don't even want to try and count the number of times I've been called a bad son, selfish, just trying to hurt people. It sounds like, at some point, something changed between you and your parents, but not completely? Do you think that was a conscious decision or did it just...evolve?

I think I'm slowly trying to do things, but I keep doubting whether I'm actually enjoying them, or enjoying them to fulfill some other purpose/some other person. I know I shouldn't doubt it, but it's hard not to. But I'll just keep plugging away, going ice skating, going hiking, spending time with friends, and hopefully the "fake it till you make it" will kick in at some point (so long as that's not actually a bad thing!).

Hmm...your experience with the meds sounds overall positive. I am a bit nervous about the whole switching and tweaking bit though. Was that difficult? Is it expensive/disruptive somehow? I hate taking even panadol, haha.

Yes, I think we're so used to be self-sufficient and not wanting to bother anyone that to all of a sudden feel completely dependent on someone is really strange. Do you know the musical Phantom of the Opera? I was listening to a song on the train called "All I ask of you" and, the song's always been 'nice' because it's super romantic, but the first bit really got me this morning. It made me realise that, it's not that I've always wanted to be self-sufficient, it's that no one's ever comforted me. That stung a bit when I realised.

James

[lookingforme]

I take it back. Everything still changes on a dime. Maybe the combination of therapy and meds...

I hate this thing.

[james1]

😞 Have you been getting enough sleep?

(my other post might still be coming...I don't know. It got lost in the internet!)