Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

lookingforme · ‎17-07-2016

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

james1 · ‎02-09-2016

Okay... so I've hit on a point. When my thread comes up, all that and the emptiness I feel. ..that's my walls all getting smashed. And me realising that everything I do is just me putting up more and more walls and they're all coming down now. And yet I still build more just to stave off the inevitable rawness of just being me, whatever the hell that means. Even now.

Such. A. Drag.

james1 · ‎02-09-2016

So yes. When you said it sounded pretty dangerous creating all these personas. ..yeah. I'm starting to see that.

lookingforme · ‎02-09-2016

What do you mean by walls? Do you mean building personas that are exterior to you that keep breaking because they are exterior to you? Oh wow, just asked that question

james1 · ‎02-09-2016

Aha yep. What we talked about ages ago at the bottom of the first page.

Dangerous indeed.

lookingforme · ‎02-09-2016

Yes, I remember James.

It may feel like crap, but I think it's a huge deal you're realised it for yourself. I think you can somehow start giving substance to that rawness you feel you are. It can be anything. Pick something small and try it out. I mean, I guess that's what everyone does.

have you tried telling any caregiver of yours about this realisation? Or are you having a crap time with yours like I am?

I'm not going to ask you what you enjoy as yours or anything like that, but, is there anything you resonate with? Like the stars, like the outdoors? Like running. If that tethers you to any feeling, like being capable or something, anything"

james1 · ‎02-09-2016

Crap like yours.

No I don't know what resonates with me. Depends who I'm with. If I Was on my own, sleeping forever resonates with me. Doing absolutely nothing. But I can't build my identity from there haha

lookingforme · ‎03-09-2016

Hah, sleep. I wouldn't sleep forever. I have too high a ratio of nightmares to actual sleep. Lying in bed though, that could be the commitment I've been looking for.

Hmmm...so, when you brought up running earlier, you said it was the only thing that did something for you even though you couldn't identify it. Why has that changed? Is it because of what the guy at the hospital said? Because, I've been thinking about that...and, isn't doing something for the reason of being able to claim it as yours, is I run because I want to identify as runner, isn't that the same as doing it for yourself, to achieve something you want to be? It isn't for others to be considered a runner. You know? The lines are blurry I guess. I guess it depends on whether you will call yourself a runner at the end of it or you want others to call you that.

It's okay that you can't find something right away. I'm sorry you are experiencing the sae crap as me. Are you able to change? Or like me, cbf?

lookingforme · ‎03-09-2016

Hey, I wrote a post but as usual...seems you and I are controversial people

james1 · ‎03-09-2016

S***stirrers is what we are, haha. We stir s***.

Here's a tame post.

Do you think you're argumentative?

I ask because I realise I "play devil's advocate a lot", usually when I have to talk about my own opinion. Possibly because I don't really have one and I'd rather be the logical philosopher than not have an opinion. But I get really agitated when playing devil's advocate and then I get confused about what I believe, and people get annoyed with me (or I think they do).

Yeah, reason #52102 why my ex broke up with me. Maybe it's just me?

lookingforme · ‎03-09-2016

I would say I can be argumentative. Logical philosopher is definitely a part I play, because I like getting others to think, and I also like thinking. But, I do have my own opinions based on my logic. However, these are not often vocalised as a lot of the time, people want to hear what they want, and I don't want to provide that service. They get annoyed at me for that. I would rather get them to comprehensively think about their situation and let he come to their own conclusions, so I am not pandering or culpable at the end of the day. It has come to a stage where I don't trust my opinions, I trust the thought process, if that makes sense. I am open to being changeable.

Hmmm...I don't know what to say about your ex, I'm not good with that stuff...sorry. Would you like to say more about her?

I had an interesting thought; when I watch TV shows that I like, my whole...persona changes. Example, I watch The Wire or the Get down, I'm all Gangsta, I watch Downton Abbey, I say my words very British etc...you think that's strange? I haven't met anyone who does it.