Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

lookingforme · ‎17-07-2016

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

james1 · ‎01-09-2016

Hey Joelle,

Not sure how to respond. I read the last post you mentioned.

It made me think of this poem I wrote. Similar feeling, but somewhat different. I don't know if I've shared it before - I've lost track.

There's so many questions floating in my head and in yours it seems.

Very confused. There was a comic I saw once - a girl eating something and saying "I'm not hungry. I'm empty."

I realise I do the same. I eat. I find things to attach myself to. And it's all fleeting. Certain things I honestly am glad I don't do to rid myself of emptiness. Things that make me want to hug you and say it's okay.

We'll be okay.

My psychologist is changing tactics with me and starting DBT. She doesn't think I'm in a stable enough mind to work on schema therapy. We'll see how it goes.

Shackles

A straightjacket made not for Houdini
But for Hell.
The padlock without a keyhole.
The prison with no doors.

Yet the prisoner is born – trapped -
With a mind he wears like a shackle,
Contorted,

His head twisted and tied to his ankles

Which sink in quicksand,
Drowning as his feet drag his silent screams further into

His grave.

james1 · ‎01-09-2016

Oh I forgot to ask: are you free of exams for now then? 🙂

lookingforme · ‎01-09-2016

Hey James,

I wanted to say first, you have such an amazing way with words. You haven't shared it before, so thank you. It fits. And I hate that you feel like that. I hate that I feel like that.

I am glad you don't do those alternate things. I don't know which is worse, hating that I need to do it, or not caring and wanting to. It feels like the ultimate way to burn bridges. I will take that hug, and pay you in kind. Thank you.

I hope that therapy works for you. Let me know how it goes, may be something I look into when I get out of this place.

Yes, I am done with study until December. So I will be active on my tough Mudder thread with an elaborate and painful exercise plan hah.

How are you doing today?

james1 · ‎01-09-2016

I'll keep you updated on the therapy here. Knowing how I'm going, it'll be a while before I have anything of use to say, but hey, maybe there'll be a miracle?

Oh that's good to hear. So you get a bit of a break. Do you know what you'll do with your time? Just have a rest? I remember when uni finished for me in June. I had sooo much time, I didn't know what to do with it. It'll be good to fill that in with something.

My 21km run is in 2 1/2 weeks...I should really get training properly again, or I'm going to cause some serious damage to myself! I think I've actually done something to my foot - every now and then, I get a tingle in my toes. It's a bit concerning.

Ah today's pretty average (i.e. bad). Got stuck in my thoughts too early in the day so the day's over and it's just a matter of getting to home time, then going home and hopefully zoning out. A lot of meetings at work...not good. I hate meetings when I'm like this. I can't focus.

Have you ever taken boxing classes? I've been thinking of doing that for a while. It's meant to help with all that stuff I bottle up inside. Particularly bad today - some days I just feel like I could get into a fight with someone, which is weird because I hate violence and pain. Just too much anger I guess, mostly/all directed at myself.

james1 · ‎01-09-2016

Okay, I lied. Really concerned about my foot. If I can't run... I don't know. it's the only thing i can do half well at the moment.

Ah I hope it's not permanent.

lookingforme · ‎02-09-2016

Hey James, if there's tingling, definitely get it checked. Any pain/swelling? I remember before you said you had foot pain, so definitely worth a check.

I work 9.5 hours a day plus an hour and a bit travelling. So the training will occupy the rest of my time. I plan on picking up a book, and get back to my study of chess. I have already challenged my bro, the game is afoot!

I'm sorry about your bad day, I was actually unravelling really badly before my exam, so I understand the inopportune moments the brain can take to wreak havoc. How are you today? I had a bad night myself. Nightmares.

I used to take martial arts, black belt in karate myself. And I have taken boxing, and I love every bit of it, but my knee was unable to take the 40 minute warmups. I think it was the sprinting on that mat flooring, made the knee go weird. I struggled with it for two weeks until I couldn't bend my knee and thought I'd give it a miss. I now have a punching bag which I go crazy on. But, I definitely recommend the boxing classes. But like, proper boxing. I joined with an MMA/boxing/kickboxing gym. Love kickboxing. I am a bit of a brawler.

I dislike violence and anger and pain also (ironic a bit no?) but when it extends out of me. There is virtue I think, in releasing it in a controlled way. Not to others but getting it out of you.

Definitely get the foot checked, it need not be permanent if you deal with it now.

james1 · ‎02-09-2016

Cool. what area do you work in, if you don't mind sharing? is it most days of the week?

Yeah I used to do kickboxing but I hurt my ankle running so had to stop. hence the thought about picking up boxing. I also used to do tae kwon do and judo. MMA would be heaps fun but i'm just scared of the people! I'd hate to be hurt badly and then really be stuck in my head, haha.

Sorry, short post. Really nervous about tonight. I had it coming around lunch time so i don't know what i'll do later! blarughl.

lookingforme · ‎02-09-2016

MMA is fun but...you would have to be okay with all parts of another persons anatomy being very close to yours haha, classiest way I could say that. I think it's just more dangerous when you compete rather than training. But definitely do what you're comfortable with.

I have a stupid, soul sucking job at an offshore oil company. Saving up money until I move next year. I think it is really affecting my mental health, just putting up with it, but one needs money to get anywhere in this world...I work 5 days a week.

what is happening tonight, I know you wanted to post, but is there more? If it is the post, even if you can't press post...it's okay. Take your time.

about the anger, I put up a punching bag. Feels good. It gets the nervousness out. That restless energy one can feel when they think their thoughts shouldn't be acceptable but still exist.

james1 · ‎02-09-2016

So I posted earlier but I think because I posted under that other board, it might take a while to come through. Maybe my new thread will appear tomorrow.

lookingforme · ‎02-09-2016

Hey, not a problem. I'll keep a look out. By the way, your dog is adorable. Just adorable