Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

[lookingforme]

I had absolutely no idea where to put this post, but considering I already have the depressive disorder, I'd put it here. I have just today been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of the depression, does anyone on here have it and is able to summarise it? I don't quite know how to explain it to people other than by listing symptoms, which I don't really want to do. And you know that old saying, if you can't explain it simply enough, you don't truly understand it. It's a strange label.

Suffice it to say that I haven't been having a good time of it lately, and this diagnosis makes me half relieved and half unknowing, which I don't much care for. I just know it's something I will have to work at to manage, and stress aggravates it, and right now, I am nothing but stressed,

Any help is appreciated.

Joelle

[spunkyturtle]

Is that a dig at me Paul? Subtle.

I guess I'll stop talking. Don't want to bother people with s of diagnosis.

How rude of me!

[lookingforme]

Hey Deb,

I don't know how to gauge your last post...I'm sure Paul didn't mean anything by what he said, he likes opinions.

With regard to the symptoms you laid claim to, perhaps you are borderline BPD, and that is why your psychologist didn't want to label you just yet? Granted, they have now agreed to it, but maybe you show some traits of BPD and traits of depression, they co exist very well. Hopefully, they wouldn't have said yes to BPD to just to satisfy your need for answers...that would be very immoral. Why not go back and ask? If you don't mind answering, how come your psychologist or psychiatrist didn't show you the symptoms straight away? You seem to be learning them now...

I see him out of necessity, he knows my story, or most of it, and in the country I am in, I can only get my meds through a psychiatrist. Last year, I used him out of need, didn't open up, now it's too late to change.

Hey Paul, self diagnosing. It would seem a function of both ease of access of information, and the hassle it is to seek professional advice. I think it is too easy to try and self diagnose in the world we are in today, firstly. Ultimately, I think it cannot work. We cannot rule out for certain the number of things that the internet comes up with, it adds to our problems rather than placates a concern, so we have to go through the process of seeing a doctor. I think there are a lot of attempts to self diagnose, but we still need an authoritative figure to tell us; yes or no. As such, I think there isn't as much of self diagnosing as there appears to be, as we all know the effects of Dr. Google. That still is too much in my opinion. We can do a lot of harm to ourselves by waiting on a problem and not getting help.

[lookingforme]

I've been thinking that getting diagnosed with BPD hasn't had the desired effects that my psychiatrist would have wanted. Because, all I have been thinking is now, there is a reason for all these thoughts and behaviours, one that means I don't have to worry about social convention, just myself, and I find myself not caring as much anymore about what I do. I am indulging myself instead of fighting myself (in some aspects of life). No one is essentially following up about certain things mentioned in the past, I'm almost certain my psychiatrist brushed me off in our last meeting because he was preoccupied, and my psychologist is there for a band aid it feels like. Free reign. And I have anger in mind...

[james1]

Hey Joelle,

Interesting comment. Not to put words in your mouth, but would you say it's made you complacent - "Now I know what's wrong, so I can just wallow in self-pity/hatred/anger/sadness."

What makes you feel like the psychiatrist is brushing you off? It could be true, but it could just be "in your head" so to speak. People tell me I read into things too much so I try to avoid that now, which is weird because I always used to think of myself as good at reading people. Instead, better to just talk to the person about it.

And what do you mean about your psychologist being a band-aid? I would've thought the medication would be the band-aid and the therapy being the long-term solution.

[lookingforme]

Hey James...

I was having, and may still be having a "let it all burn" moment.

I don't think complacent is the right word. I feel like this label has been dropped into my lap in the last few minutes of my previous psych session and not at all addressed in my last one. I brought it up, he brushed my concerns off. I mean, I tell him that I'm hearing things/seeing this shadow that follows me/my dreams creep into my vision; and for a person who depends heavily on her brain to interpret, judge and act in this world, just being told I have BPD and not all of that may be accurate is a very hard adjustment (as you know) but to also know that my brain is putting things in there, that not all of it is real, that throws me completely. The effect of reversing the poles on this earth. And before I can explain it (because I wrote it down for it to be explained, I knew how important it was), before anything real can be said, he gets me out of the door. And, I had other concerns which I mentioned earlier. He was late coming to work, he comes to work with his kids because there isn't anyone to look after them. He interrupts me to take a phone call and to message a couple of people, that smile was surely condescending, and he tells me all will be fine. I was in there for about 15 mins. If nothing else, how can he know how my meds are doing if he won't listen. So yea, let him burn. Let me explode and let him know the consequences of his inactions. I don't even want to go back really.

My psychologist like a band aid...I have this feeling she gets more out of me than I get from her at the moment. All the exercises she gives me are explained via email because we always run out of time. The last time, felt nothing when I walked out. Just that it was pointless. I should give this one more time, we've only had three sessions, apparently we will deal with the meaty stuff next time.

I wouldn't say complacent, I would say I have realized that I am not beholden to anything except myself, and I don't care about myself, anyone who knows me will know that. BPD just gives me a reason. Social norm is never going to be attained, I will have to work hard for something that resembles it only. And if I am not tethered to my society in any way, and I'm not really, then okay. Let it all burn, and let me burn with it. Gives me a perverse satisfaction. I don't think my meds are really working yet to be honest. So, they don't even get considered.

[lookingforme]

Right now, I've been dumped in the deep end of a pool, which those who are supposed to be helping me see as calm, but I see as turbulent, I have been told in vague terms how to swim, but haven't been shown (application teaches me more than theory), and I am expected to stay afloat, when all I want to do to show them up and let the struggle stop is to let me sink.

Did that make sense?

[james1]

Hey Joelle,

Quick comment about your doctors: that totally, completely, sucks. Mostly about your psychiatrist’s behaviour which is ompletely unacceptable, but I really do hope it starts to get better with the psychologist. I think it’d be a good idea to bring it up with the psychiatrist or just go get a different one.

About how you’re feeling at the moment, I hope you don’t mind if I answer by giving my own thoughts and feelings over the past few days/week/I don’t know how long. I feel like it might be easier to relate to that way.

For all my life, it’s like there are “truths” I’ve been living by. That I should fit in, that I should help others, that others should help me, all sorts of beliefs. But all of these are about other people. And now I’m being told to focus on myself.

Except… as we’ve discussed, I don’t know what that is. I don’t even know if it exists or if I just have to build it from scratch. And I know that the people telling me can’t show me how because they’re not in my head.

Now, if I was in a right state of mind, I’d say bring it on. Let the challenge come and let me build an absolutely glorious new “Me”. But I’m not in the right state of mind. I don’t want to do it. I want someone else to do it for me, but they don’t want to, so bugger it. I didn’t notice that I had this anger in me but one of the nurses at the hospital pointed it out and, well, I’ve been silent on the forums because I really don’t trust myself.

So let me try again:

Do you feel self-destructive? And welcoming of that? Hopefully I'm wrong and misreading you, but I do wonder if there's an element of that.

James

[lookingforme]

Hi James...

Yes to both. Very perceptive of you. If you want specifics (I don't know if this will get through) but there is a blog called chronic malarkey on wordpress that describes it, especially the last post.

I fully understand about living certain truths. That is what I feel like to. How I should be rather than how I am. Fight after fight of how I should be. Never really paying attention to how I am except knowing I am not right.

There is definitely anger, and yes, it is welcomed.

The psychiatrist I think final made me untrusting of him. Solidified the wall that Was transparent but there. I don't know if I am willing to go back, or willing to find another one which is an absolute mess in this country.

Right now, I am physically trying to hold myself together, I have an exam tomorrow which I am incredibly unprepared for, and I have to change my studying methods drastically right now.

[lookingforme]

Hey James,

I don't know where my post went. In summary, yes what my psych did sucks, I don't really want to go back nor do I want to find another one. Yes I feel self-destructive and yes I am welcoming of that. If my post doesn't show up later, I can address the other things in our comment.

Joelle

[james1]

Okay, I'll keep an eye out.