Just want to Shout out

[Guest_1055]

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

[Guest_1055]

Hey Steph I think we may have written a post in each other's thread about the same time....how cool is that!

Yeah it is a challenge to put in effort or be motivated when one is feeling so down. Because one just doesn't feel like it. It is even hard to see a reason for it. Oh please don't feel discouraged though, you have done well posting on Beyond Blue. And about the gym, yeah I try and go to the gym also. But yesterday and today, nope I didn't even go. You got out of the house, turned up at the gym for 10 minutes, so yeah I think that is pretty good, considering sometimes it is a challenge to get out of bed.

Thanks for encouraging me also, I am telling you that in case you were not aware that you are actually doing that.

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

Aw thank you so much Elizabeth, your reply almost brought on some happy tears. Most probably from your kindness. I will be okay soon.

Shell xx

[Guest_1055]

I have already pounded the bed with my fist, but I am so tired. It feels like this is never going to end. I hear myself cry out out no more, no more. No one will hear because, the fan is on and they choose not to hear. I am just a no body to them, no one important enough for them to even notice.

I am crying as I am writing this, because it hurts my heart aches so much . I am trying to imagine a comforting loving hand just caressing my cheek and taking the pain away.

As much as I want to tell everything here, I am not free to say it.

[Guest_1055]

I want to just go home, were there is no more pain, no more sorrow, no more grief. But my son. I couldn't didn't to him. I couldn't hurt him in this way. But just living on this earth is too much to endure. I don't want to be here.

[Guest_9809]

Oh Shell .... you feel so sad, so defeated, so dejected. I am sorry you dont feel free to say more here, as others may be able to help more if they knew more about what you are going through.

I know it isnt much, but I'd like to extend the hand of friendship and tell you that everything will be okay. Shell if you were to go home, the pain would follow you. So I dont see it as an ultimate solution.

You have much to be proud of Shell. A loving son who you adore. Many friends here who love to read your insightful and very heartfelt posts. You are a real inspiration to many of us here Shell, and we all want you to be here. You have helped so many of us here, why not let us now help you?

I cant stay long now Shell as I have to return to work shortly, but I will check in with you later when I get back.

Meanwhile, I lean across the miles and send you a true friendship hug. I hope it makes you feel less alone.

Hang in there Shelley, things will improve, as they always do. It takes perseverence and desire, both of which you have in spades.

Perhaps I can come over to your place and start stomping, stamping and raging on your behalf? (-:

Taurus xx

[monkey_magic]

Hey Shelly , u r important to us!!!! U care about ppl on here & make a different by ur contributions , I for one have felt your love through your writing. So yeah u matter. Soz ur feeling sad today. U made me laugh so hard with all stomping on my crap so I'll stomp all yours out...stomp, stomp....sending u a bunch of flowers to feel better..xox

[Guest_322]

Oh Shelley,

I hear you. I really do. You're obviously in debilitating pain and very tired. As counterintuitive as it sounds, I honestly think those thoughts are never truly about death but about wanting the pain to end.

(Sighs) it takes one to know one as Corny once said (about a different topic). You've always stood out as one of the most empathetic forum members, and no doubt, a lot of it stems from your own hurts.

Staying is hard. Living is hard. I've toyed with the fine line before. I'm not personally suicidal these days but I still often look to the skies, and wonder why on earth I'm here. What I'm trying to say is that I understand.

All I can offer is understanding, a virtual ear and a big, bear hug.

There are lots of people here for you and want to see you get through this (including me).

Another virtual bear hug,

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Shell~

Look at all the people here who are feeling your grief, the weight on your heart. Any one of them would gladly lift your burden, shoulder as much of it as they had strength for.

Why do you think they would do that? The reason is very simple indeed. You are lovely caring person, a human being, who when having to deal with the worst that life can hand out, is someone to be admired, who's example gives others hope. One can say to oneself "If Shell can bear that so can I"

Dear Shell, it will pass, the overwhelming gloom and grey will lighten.

Try to think, if you can, of the things that give your eyes pleasure, perhaps a scrubbed kitchen with a Welsh dresser, plates lined up, copper pans shining on hooks. A favorite book on the table. Cast your mind out to capture a scrap, no matter how fleeting, of gladness from the past and use it now. hold onto it.

Tell us something you have liked and will like again, we are here.

Croix

[Guest_1055]

I am not sure what to say to each one Taurus, Steph, Dottie and Mr Croix. Only thank you for hearing my heart, reading your words bought on more tears. Maybe it is your kindness and your time you gave to listen to me.... I am feeling not connected, like I am in some place else. It doesn't even feel real.

Thank you xx

[monkey_magic]

I feel ya....I know that feeling CA's I'm there also. OK so I'm parked outside of the gym...going to c if I can last more than 10mins this time to re- connect with myself. Always know shell that I'm also going through it...going to feel u in spirit as a mutual support.... Is there anyone that can give u a proper hug?? I really need one but don't have anyone right now... Let's just get through this moment together OK? I am with u & also have tears. I don't even want to step out of my car but know I need more energy/ chemicals running through me....hang in there