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It's coming back

RunGirl
Community Member
Hi....this is my first post. I've always fought the black dog. Recently I beat a plethora hurdles and bad situations.....near death experience, two months in hospital, 7 surgeries, prescription pill addiction, isolation living overseas, increasingly abusive relationship, PTSD. I RAN, I resettled in Aus, i got work, I found myself in love again...I was happy and energetic. But It's coming back. I read somewhere when you don't want to get out of bed, you know you're getting bad again. I have a beautiful new partner. I'm just so tired all the time. I've put on weight which he likes but I can't forget the words of disgust from my ex when I wasn't stick thin. I need some perspective and support guys
192 Replies 192

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear RunGirl~

I guess we share a common regard. I've always been an avid reader (remember as a kid reading by torchlight under the blankets rather than going to sleep as instructed) but lost the ability when taken ill.

I remember as I started to improve I began to read again. Due to lack of concentration and other problemsI could only manage short passages at a time and used childrens' fantasy books. These helped move my mind into another set of worlds where heroes were rewarded and villains got their just deserts - all very simple.

In hospital a psych nurse introduced me to more adult science-fantasy, which provided the escape I needed from the ward.

I'm now back to reading as I used to - except everything has to have a happy ending.

I've a thread in the Forum:

Forums / BB Social Zone / Croix Parler

Where from time to time people talk about anything arts-related, including books. You would be welcome to pop in.

Croix

RunGirl
Community Member

If anyone's out there...Croix, Jay....I'm dealing with something very scary and my anxiety is out of control. I've been told by a very reputable doctor that probably I have either Lupus, Cirrhosis of the liver due to all the meds that went through me plus the organ deterioration during 9 days in Septic shock, or the third option is leukaemia. Ive done the pathology now I have to wait 2 more days for the results. My partner is away on work and he's not handling it well. Any help?

RG

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear RunGirl~

It's a horrible feeling waiting on serious test results, I find waiting to be just about the worst thing and often wish my life away and that the intervening time had just disappeared. Not just for test results but anything non-trivial.

The worst was unexpectedly uncovering a spot on my lung in an MRI and because for some reason they could not biopsy it I had to wait to see if it grew. A most unpleasant time. Of course I convinced myself it was cancer, after all I'd been a heavy smoker, hadn't I?

So as you would expect I'm a few things I do when waiting. They all revolve around distraction so my mind stops thinking about the upcoming matter and goes elsewhere.

Exercise in the form of gentle walking is good. This gets me out of the house where the thoughts breed and into a different area where there are new sights, perhaps people to greet, and if at night the chance of spotting possums, rabbits or other animals (I live in the country).

Another is going to the movies, or watching movies at home, also reading, though this does take more concentration.

The smartphone app Smiling Mind is very good at taking the mind out of the worry circle.

As for the possible forthcoming diagnoses it would be silly to down the path of imagining any of them until you have more information.

So what are you going to do? Resume writing a short story? Talk with someone? Do something completely new? Write heaps on bb? Adopt some of my ideas?

Croix

RunGirl
Community Member

probably write heaps on BB about books and movies I like, and take my little dog for a gentle walk (well, I'll go gently, she'll be a mad lunatic). we have a big open space right out back which is home to a big mob of wallabies. They mesmerise her.

Thanks C

RunGirl

RunGirl
Community Member

So I've settled on watching heartwarming youtube clips about animal rescues for a while. That helps!

Best

RG

BballJ
Community Member

Hi RunGirl,

Wow, I am sorry to read what you are experiencing right now, the waiting on any test results especially something this serious is so hard to deal with, distraction is the key here, being around friends or family just to try and take your mind off the wait. I know your partner is away and I saw you wrote you are watching heart-warming clips on YouTube, anything that distracts your mind is good. Feel good stuff is ever better, reaming positive through this wait is also key. Did you end up taking your dog for a walk? Clear fresh air can help the mind as well. Maybe even getting a relaxation message to help calm you down may be a good thing?

Posting on these forums is always good, even if you just want to talk non mental health related stuff, head to the BB Café and see if there is anything you like talking about with the topics they have going.

My best,

Jay

RunGirl
Community Member
I took Indie for a walk. she did mad circles, tumbled on her power-cornering a couple of times, found a flat dead bird which she brought as a present, gazed at the wallabies, ate wallaby poo, freaked out when the curlews stalked her, met her friend Timba, a kelpie cross, and generally had a good time. Then she cuddled and snuggled and wouldn't go outside cause mummy was sad. Dogs and cats rule. She's so little, only 7 months, but has such guts and joy and empathy. Then I just winged it. Got a call this morning that my blood tests didn't work because my blood coagulated and had to go today for more. Had a panic attack but the pathologist was understanding. They are going to rush the results, I'll find out what it is. Needless to say I have been up since 4.30.

RunGirl
Community Member
Just an update....have been cleared of Lupus but waiting on the liver disease results. Bit more scary than Lupus.

BballJ
Community Member

Hi RunGirl,

7 month old pups are the best, they really can make us feel better and the way they play is just awesome.

Well you know what let's look at the positive, that is 1 down that you don't have, now we need 2 more down to get the all clear. I know it is tough and I am glad they are rushing the results for you. It is so hard to overcome this type of anxiety and fear because it is so real what is happening. Need to try and keep occupied as best as you can.

My best,

Jay

RunGirl
Community Member

results not good. Mixed toxic liver. I'm not yellow so thats a good sign that I still have a functioning liver but it's sick. but I won't know what comes next till I see the specialist.....another anxious wait. Apparently Panadol has been a big factor. I'm so tired of being sick.

Thanks guys for your support.

RunGirl