Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, Paws,ER, Croix & Woofa, too.

Nah, Croix, I don't think Sumo was a bit afraid - having smelled the fish chowder, he, naturally, proceeded to ensure he got his rightful share, which was all of it, of-course. We cats have it all figured out, you know. [LRC smugly looks up, having enjoyed a big piece of salmon today, to prove the point]

I appreciate what you all have said.

I hav a bit of an update.

from Tuesday afternoon, I've had a bit of a rough time. There is some problem with some of my NDIS funding, which caused me considerable anxiety. Yesterday, I also had a rather awful time with a support worker from the company I've been trialling. For now, I will have to resume doing my food shopping online. I don't want to continue to having workers from that company.

Also, yesterday I felt triggered by the noise the trolleys made as someone pushed a long line of them past us, something like twenty or more of them, I think, making me feel like I was about to be run over, just like I'd felt in the hospital during the days following my surgery. It was nearly a flashback sort of experience.

It's also been cold enough to trigger some other older memories & feelings. Feeling very physically cold can do that.

Changing one medication, beginning another too. The new med may cause me to gain weight... *sigh*

I was having too much of one medication, which the gerontologist said, with confidence, was why my memory, concentration & confusion was happening. Hopefully the change will fix that.

Hopefully it too will help with my legs... & Iron supplement too, because the level is too low, at least to the gerontologist, & to me too, just thinking of the numbers, as she had told me, from a blood test from last February ... but the GP hadn't thought it was too low to even mention it to me.

I thought, maybe finding out how much meat to eat to get enough iron, but the GP couldn't even answer that question. So, I wait to see a Dietitian.

I will have my talking kitchen scales very soom, so I will be able to weigh the portions of my food, so I will be able to know if I am eating a good amount as well as use the auto-cook functions on my new talking microwave (with the convection oven & grill options, or in combination).

This last week has been full on!

Hugzies to you all

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

I’m sorry it’s been such a challenging week. So much to deal with. Sometimes it feels so difficult too when things happen outside your control, such as the problem with the NDIS funding, and then having to navigate through the uncertainty. It’s good you’ve recognised a boundary with the support worker and that particular company and made the decision not to continue with them.

It can be unsettling too, dealing with advice from different medical people, some of whom may not communicate so well. Hopefully you’ll see improvement soon with the new med and iron supplement.

I feel like sensitivity to things that activate flashbacks is heightened when already vulnerable, and you’ve had so much to deal with, and the cold weather too. I hope you can keep warm at home and find some soothing and comforting things to help you feel better. I find a warm beverage and snuggling under a blanket on the couch helpful. Sometimes just knowing you have some resources you can draw on to self-sooth can help calm those vulnerable feelings.

Sending warm, fuzzy hugzies your way (if you would like hugzies) 🤗 I hope you have a lovely weekend and much better week next week. Your BB friends are always here to support you.

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, 

Oh lass you have had a bad week haven't you, I think "full on" is something of an understatement from the sound of it. 

I will be keeping paws & fingers crossed that the change of med will help stop the memory problems etc. I join you in the *sigh* over the med that might cause weight gain as I'm on a med that does that too *big sigh*. 

We actually have some sunshine here for the first time this week & Woofa is ensconced in the prime position to soak it up. I'm sure he would be happy to share his comfy bed with a LRC if she promises to keep her claws tucked away.

A big 🐻 hug

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

 I can understand those frustrations while shopping. They really should be checking with you with each item that it’s what you want, such as the size of the olive oil and the correct kangaroo steak you want. It really befuddles me that people don’t think about what it would be like for them if other people made decisions for them without checking with them first. It seems they need some interpersonal skills development. You could offer them some feedback but it sounds to me you made the right decision not to continue with them.

I’m glad you had your PDr to talk to that day. It can help to debrief with someone. And if you did cry I wouldn’t worry. Sometimes it’s actually really helpful to let emotions out in the presence of someone you know is safe. I’m only just learning to do that myself and it’s kind of liberating and I’ve found people then become aware of where you’re really at in that moment. Tears can be very healing. I’ve spent a lifetime telling everyone I’m “fine” and finally getting it’s ok to say when I’m not.

Take it easy over the weekend and be restful and kind to yourself. Keep nice and warm too. LRC will help keep you warm I’m sure with snuggles and purring.

Sending you cosy and caring wishes.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Er,

I struggle with letting the emotion out. Because I was thinking I still had things to do, & not much more time to do them that day, I didn't want to have my emotions getting in the way, making it impossible to speak, being so messy too, so inconvenient. Maybe I could have expressed myself better with him, but afterwards, I have to be business-like to make the other calls I still had to make, & the email, too, & get lunch, & so on.

Sometimes it would be very convnient to have someone here to do the practical things while I go & be a blubbering mess.

Oh, look, it's very late ... I've managed to stay up this late. Yeah, my legs are achy, but tolerable, I guess, tonight

Thanks for the warm thoughts, like verbal hugs & purring cats.

Hugzies to you.

mmMekitty. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

That makes sense. When there are things you have to get through sometimes you need to hold it together.

 I did get to the point of collapsing beyond speech with my psychologist a few weeks ago and just put my head down and cried. But it actually really helped and was a turning point for me in my mind/body/spirit where I just finally let go in the presence of a safe other person. I realised I’d never done that before. Just having someone being a comforting presence through that really helped. So although minutes ticked by where I couldn’t talk, it was actually really beneficial time. But I totally get holding the emotions in too and I think allowing yourself to do whatever feels right at the time is important. I feel like the body instinctively knows what it can and cannot handle at some level and is always trying to protect us.

 I know what you mean about how wonderful it would be to have someone to do all the practical things. It made me think of going on a retreat where all meals are provided and chores done by someone else, and all you have to focus on is self-care. I think such things exist but are likely very expensive!

May this weekend and coming week be peaceful for you MK with lots of relaxing time with LRC who I’m sure will provide a mix of sleepy restful time and fun, joyful playtime. Warm hugzies 🤗

[mmMekitty]

Hi ER

While tempting, if affordable, to go somewhere where all practical things are taken care of by someone else, I am, more recently, thinking shopping, cooking, & cleaning are also 'self-care', whether or not I enjoy doing them. So is brushing my teeth, showering, eating healthy meals I've cooked, exercising, relaxing, like I did tonight, during the ABC's tv show featuring some of ABC Classics Top 100 Instruments, (as voted for by members of the public). & trying to sleep regular hours. I was up late into the early hours, but I could allow myself to sleep in this morning, so I don't mind.

I am more careful too about not getting so down on myself when things aren't going well, when I make mistakes - I'm doing better at not getting into self-criticism & fault finding. That's self-care too.

*

I was thinking, there was so much going on Wednesday, I didn't notic everything I was feeling. I realise I was getting panicky about the NDS funding, imagining the possibility of not having funding, maybe for months, until a new plan or some such could sort it out. In the meantim, I ws imagining, I'd have to pay what was already not paid for, & more myself, if I wanted more services before things got sorted. All through the day that was the thought lurking in my mind, along with feelings of dread & of being abandoned again, this time by NDIS & the service providers.

Somehow, I could still make that barely noticeable until today.

Some of it was getting through, leaking, as it were, because I did start to cry in the car while coming home. The worker noticed, & in the way she said "You're not crying, are you?" I felt ... I'm not sure, ashamed? At least, like my feelings were misunderstood. I was too upset to explain, so did my best to stop crying. What for? So the worker could feel I was okay?

Was I trying to protect them from the expression of my feelings? Why? I wasn't going to get nasty. 

Wow, huh?

Even my PDr, I hold back. I really don't like it when I've been very emotional & crying, even though I feel sure he'd be able to cope & be there for me.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty,

Awe sweetheart, you’re going through so much right now with NDIS, I’m deeply sorry…I hope that things get sorted out for you soon…

Its okay to cry, your worker, should have been more compassionate with you, and helped support you through your little breakdown…instead of questioning you…and making you feel embarrassed, because you have nothing to be embarrassed about…You’re worker should be the one feeling embarrassed for not caring enough to help settle you down…

Let those emotions run free mmMeKitty, when they need to be…tears need to be released at times of anxiety, stress..etc…just like,  if something is funny and we need to laugh..we don’t hold back, laughter and tears are opposite  emotions but also in a way the same…both needs to be released when they need to be…🤗..

How’s your new oven going?…Ive heard of microwave and convectional oven in one…sounds impossible to have both in one unit…Such a great invention!….

You know mmMeKitty, I’ve not told you before, but I think you’re an amazing and very inspirational person…You fight through your fears daily and do your shopping, cooking, self care, some cleaning etc…while you have very limited vision…..💕🌈🌹…as well as supporting people here…even though you don’t know it, you help a lot of people on these forums….

Sending you my care, love and hugs Dear sweet mmMeKitty…🦋💕🤗.

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Thank you so much, Grandy. Given the pain you've been experiencing, I know how difficult it is for you to type. Your words are always so caring & kind - just like a big warm hug.

After phoning the Plan Management company, hearing what they had to say, & finally hearing from my Support Co-ordinator, it seems things are sorted. The problem wasn't as big as it first appeared anyway, & I am assured by the Support Co-ordinator they would not simply drop me in this sort of situation. He even assured me he had sent off the form needed to get another review of my current NDIS plan.

For me, the idea of having the problem not solved quickly would mean more stress & anxiety.

Maybe I worried more than necessary, as I said, getting panicky, Wednesday, feeling some urgency about solving it so I wouldn't have to have days or weeks of having the problem unresolved.

I kept thinking I am going to have to pay service providers from my own money. While bills go unpaid, I was feeling I was in debt. That's something I've very carefully avoided since having any money of my own - including pocket money when I was a child.

*

I can't find the batteries I was going to put into the new kitchen scale, so I haven't yet tried to use any of the auto-cook programmes which need me to input how much the food weighs, so I don't yet know exactly how the combo cooking really works. I wouldn't see much problem using oven & grill simultaneously. I do puzzle over the fact that the interior is metal, stainless steel I think. Metal isn't supposed to be in the interior of a microwave, right? So how is a metal interior surface okay?

I don't really understand it either, Grandy.

Someone once said that the best technology is indistinguishable from magic.

I know it's cold where you are, so I hope it is sunny during the day, so you can get out into it & warm up, with birds & whatever is blooming at this time of year.

One thing I like about going out wiht a support worker is the time I get to hav in their warm cars! They may only leave it parked for 5 minutes & it's as if they have had the heater turned on. When I've been feeling freezing, it's so nice to get in that warmth.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

You are so right, all those household chores are forms of self-care, even if it’s not exactly what we want to be doing, and thinking of it that way I think makes it more enjoyable. I can struggle to get going on a task, such as vacuuming, mopping or tidying, but every time I’ve finished it just feels so much better.

 I meant to watch the ABC Classics Top 100 Instruments and forgot all about it. I’m so glad you had a relaxing time watching it.

I’m really glad things are getting sorted with the NDIS funding. I understand how feelings can overtake you in those situations. Bureaucratic things like funding plans with their associated forms, rules etc can sometimes leave us feeling at the mercy of external forces. But it’s wonderful they were able to assure you that you won’t fall through the cracks and will continue to be supported.

 I felt quite cross with the support worker’s comment to you when you were starting to cry. Having tears is so human and normal. You should never be made to feel ashamed for it. I really stuffed down emotions as a child because they weren’t allowed. I remember really blocking crying and the pain in my throat down to my solar plexus where the trapped, suppressed emotion got stuck. I’ve ended up with a lot of issues in this area of my body but I’m slowly learning to let go in that part of myself that was quite contracted. I do relate to that blocking of emotion. I hope you can feel safe here with us and know we are always a (virtual) shoulder to cry on any time you need it.

 I also wholeheartedly agree with lovely Grandy’s comments. You are courageous in the way you deal with challenges and keep working through things, and so kind and thoughtful to others here. Sending you big warm hugzies in this chilly weather 🤗 It’s cold here too and I’m ensconced in front of my fire. Take care and warm wishes 🙏🥰🌼🌸