Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK, I’m just seeing your last post about silence. I can understand that feeling like an abandonment. And when the eyesight is not as it was, communication through sound matters more. I have felt a void before in therapeutic settings where there is a silent pause. Especially if you communicate something of deep meaning for you and it’s initially met with silence, which can feel like a non-response. But often they may be reflecting themselves, or giving us space to sit with and process what we’ve just said. I think some therapists work almost as if they are a kind of blank screen against which we somehow see the stuff we’re working through.

For me, personally, the closer the interaction is to a normal conversation, the more comfortable I feel. Perhaps it may help to discuss how you experience silence with him. It may help him understand your inner world better.

 I have tinnitus too for the last 22 years. So I’m quite used to it now. But at first I really missed being able to hear total quiet. I remember being at a stop on the Nullarbor when I was 17 and it was the deepest quiet I’ve ever experienced. Now I have a sound like radio static in each ear plus a continuous E flat frequency in my left ear.

It’s nice you are working with your dreams too. They can tell us a lot sometimes but can also reveal their meanings to us gradually over time. I feel they can have meaningful insights we don’t always see in waking life and are like another realm of discovery about ourselves.

[mmMekitty]

Thanks again, ER.

I'm sure he wants to give me time to listen to my own thoughts about what I've been saying before offering, if anything, his questions or observations.

For me, his voice & the little noises he makes are more important because I can barely tell that he is on the screen of my iPhone. Or as it was, when I went to his office, much depended on what colour shirt he wore. If he wore a dark shirt, it might be lost against the background of his black leather chair. & his head just about disappeared against the pale wall. I might notice large arm gestures, or very obvious leg movements, but beyond that, things are really blurry, with no detail at all

I'd got a reasonable look at him when I saw him after, while paying my bill. That's the image I have in my mind now. If he's looking more aged than I remember, I won't know.

I would like more time, whether or not I've got to the deeper parts of my thinking & feelingss. When I have, I want more time so I don't feel the sudden interruption in the midst of that. I also want more time if I don't get to what I wanted to talk about, because, maybe I temporarily forgot, or I am feeling reluctant & need extra time to take the plunge into what's on my mind.

But the idea of hours of intense delving & bringing up highly emotional stuff, would be somewhat concerning to me. I think that subjecting myself to that may well end up with me having the therapy being another thing I need therapy for. I think very vulnerable people could be re-traumatised by such deep therapy.

I'm not convinced I need to virtually relive all the traumatic & abusive incidents of my life to come out the other side feeling cleansed or healed. I think people usually process events in small bites, over time. 

I don't recall much of dreams now. I blame my audiobook which will be playing when I wake, & that seems to stop me remembering dreams. The other nigt, the internet connection failed, so the book reading had stopped

E flat, eh? Do you have perfect pitch? I struggle to find the notes which would correspond with the sounds of my tinitus.; many, high to low.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hi MK, I don’t have perfect pitch. But since I worked out the tinnitus frequency I now have a reference point. I have some musical background so I know how to go a semitone up or down to E or D. So I guess now I can use the tinnitus to work out other pitches relative to it. The way I worked out it was an E flat was just playing notes on my guitar until I matched it.

Yes, working on things in sections that are manageable in therapy makes sense, not necessarily going over everything traumatic we’ve been through.

 I wonder if you could do Face Time via your computer instead of your iPhone? It depends if it’s an Apple computer. That’s how I do it. My eyesight is ok (just a bit of short-sightedness), but even I find the iPhone a bit too small for Face Time. I struggle to look at the small screen and concentrate on the words at the same time. I just thought if you had a bigger screen to look at it might make communication easier.

 I’m increasingly suspecting I have mild prosopagnosia - face blindness. I’ve always had some difficulty in recognising and remembering faces. So I find it extra hard processing facial information on a small phone compared with a larger screen. Of course I know who my psychologist is when speaking with her, but it’s hard for me taking in facial cues and I know I have some level of gaze aversion too.

There’s so much to communication isn’t there. I’m glad you get a better look at your PDr when paying the bill. It gives you a sense of this other person you’ve been communicating with.

Sleep well mmMeKitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh, hi, ER. sorry I missed you earlier this week. 

Except I don't have an Apple computer, laptop or tablet - just my iPhone, ditto for everything else you said.

I've thought I may have some prosopagnosia too, & from childhood, I know I didn't want to make eye contact, or even look at people's faces, even or possibly, because they were close enough to see 'too much'. I dreaded what I might see, especially in my (ex-)step-mother's expression.

To remember who people are, I usually use their voice & sometimes, by their particular choice of hair style or clothes.

I have a photo of family members taken during the time I'd not been in contact for years. I could pick out my father, a brother, but not my sister. I thought she was another brother's partner, whom I've never met. She didn't look like the sister I'd known. When I've seen her more recently, she doesn't seem quite like my sister in appearance, but almost like some stranger. Her voice, however, is recognisable & I know then for sure it is her.

Of-course, since my eyesight has deteriorated so much, I can't see details even up close. I have to, if I want, get right up close to a mirror to then see only part of my own face, with vague areas corresponding to where my eye, nose, & part of my mouth is. My right eye is completely blind.

I don't bother trying to look directly at the face of whoever is talking. I can mistake where a voice is coming from quite easily.

I know there are tests out there which you could do, which would show whether or not you have prosopagnosia or not, & other test which would show how well or not you interpret facial expressions. If you find some online, they could suggest but not diagnose. To have comprehensive tests, with interviews, your history all included, you could try seeing a specialist, but why do that if it doesn't interfere with your daily life or relationships?

When I was able to see more, although I was curious, it wasn't a major concern, so I never tried to find out for sure.

I couldn't even do the tests now.

When I could see my PDr in person, very nearly 3yrs ago, was when I paid his bill in person, & he would stand beside me to work the EFTPOS machine, then I could see some facial expression, in profile. My sight has continued to deteriorate since.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hi mmMeKitty, Sorry, I just realised after my last post that you’d already explained about not having a webcam on your computer. I wonder about my short term memory sometimes!

It must be a challenge with the eyesight. Many years ago I stayed at a place where I met a woman who was 86 and loved to write poetry. She told me that because her eyesight was deteriorating she had taken to recording her poems on cassette. We stayed in touch and she sent me a book of her poems, many of which were humorous. She also liked to paint and she described to me how she was now doing what she called shadow painting - kind of the impression of what she now saw as she was losing detail in what she could see. I imagine there must be so many adjustments and adaptations to make.

 Like you I think I’ve had the suspected prosopagnosia since a child. I use voice, hairstyle and clothing too, as well as the way people walk sometimes. A woman at a local cafe recently stopped wearing her glasses and it took me a while to figure out who she was. Where I do volunteer work there are two women with the same hairstyle, hair colour and both wear glasses. I feel embarrassed when I get one of their names mixed up. I do manage to get by though, and some people I don’t find so difficult to recognise. It could be that there’s something more unique about them. 

Like you I can see reasons it may exist. My mother didn’t bond with me at birth, could not co-regulate and often had a blank, statue-like expression (a result of her own trauma, I’m sure). So I don’t think  I learned to engage via facial communication and I can find looking directly at faces too overwhelming. Once my psychologist tried to get me to really look at her to co-regulate which was her trying to support me, but I just pulled the hood of my jacket over my head and hid behind my hands for a long time. It was too much for me.

 I’m glad you at least got to see some of your PDr’s face about 3 years ago. It gives you a bit more of a sense of him. I can see why seeing him in person would be a bit more connecting, as over FaceTime it kind of adds another layer of separation. You could even explain a bit what your sensory world is like to him. It might help him understand how you experience things.

 I hope you are having a good week mmMeKitty. Hugzies, ER

[mmMekitty]

Hi ER & everyone

I have tried to explain how the world looks to me to my PDr; it's very hard to do. I often wish there was a way to make a video of what I see all the time. I'd show it to lots of people.

My PDr is having another break. I try to prepare myself for these breaks, knowing how easily I might feel abandoned & stranded while he's away, even though, barring anything extreme happening, I know I will cope. The dread & uncertainty still arise.

I had to insist to my current GP that, despite a scan of my brain showing nothing much of any concern, my feeling is that there is more going on than 'normal age related memory loss' & I am willing to see a specialist, even if I have to pay the full cost. I hope they will bulk bill, or I can claim from Medicare, (having already reached the safety net, that would bring the cost down considerably), but if not, then yes, I can & would pay for a more extensive test than the test the nurse at the GP's practice gave me, & the single scan do.

I felt like she was making assumptions about my being on a pension & my willingness to pa, or wanting to convince me to drop it & go with the age related memory loss possibility.

& I'm investigating housing options. Living in this flat, with these neighbours has become intolerable. It's state subsidized housing, so it's affordable, but not much else. The only thing I like about it now is how little traffic noise I hear from the nearby major road.

Wherever I go, I need some support, & I'm imagining more in the future. I am attracted to the gated community or retirement village, but these are both very difficult to afford, even with government assistance.

I have lodged an application with the state housing, to transfer to units for seniors, which if accepted, may take years to get.

Meanwhile, I've continued to exercise, & have lost a little more weight. Can't feel the difference, but my PDr reassures me it can take a while for our bodies to show the difference. I would rather feel the difference first, at least, just to feel better in my own body.

& I'm beginning to have my meds Webster packed.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hi MK,

Yes having a video you could show people would be very helpful. Then people would have some idea of the sense and feeling of your world.

It can help to follow up on medical tests to rule things out and for peace of mind. A year ago I had significant cognitive issues. A CT scan showed nothing wrong in terms of lesions or anything like that. However, I ended up having microbiome testing and was found to have a major overgrowth of a pathogenic bacteria in my gut that can also cause neurological symptoms. I’d already started changing my diet before that and had a big improvement in brain function. Then I had supplements and further dietary changes based on food allergies that were found. So my cognitive function is hugely better now. I just thought I’d mention that in case it’s relevant but it may not be.

The housing situation can be a challenge. I hope you can find somewhere that’s affordable and suits you. I’m wondering if there’s a place that could give you advice based on the criteria you have for where you’d like to live? There may be an advisory centre in whichever state you live in. You may have consulted such a service already.

 I hope you get to feel the difference soon from the exercise and weight loss. I know what you mean about how actually feeling better is what you most want.

Webster packs are a great idea. I take a number of supplements and meds and there are some days I cannot remember whether I’ve taken a particular pill or capsule. I then tend to err on the side of caution and not take it so I’m not double dosing.

Take care and sleep well MK

[mmMekitty]

I wanted to add that I also had to speak up for myself when the GP asked, as if in challenge, where I got my info about the possibility that a med I am using might be the reason for my memory & conitive problems. I'm hearing in her voice, a snappish, 'justify yourself', as if I couldn't, like my (ex-)step-mother would have done, but I pushed past that voice which makes me cringe & I would usually fold up into myself, but no, not this time. I also managed to ask if another med might be 'masking' the onset of another condition which has cognitive symptoms.

At that point, the GP, I felt, reluctantly, gave me the referral to see a specialist.

She added tahat it could be several month, & if so, to return for another referral to someone else. I felt she was trying to put me off, throughout the consult, like, does she think I am not worth the further investigation? & it was angering her to have me insist.

That in itself is scary for me. Thinking she could be angry & that's why her tone is sharp & somewhat snappy. What else might she do if she doesn't keep her feelings in check?

I felt intimated, but I had to push on through that.

I don't want to put up with feeling this way with my GP. I should not have to.

I imagine the consult would have been worse if my support worker was not with me.

Hugzies for everyone

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Hi MK, I hear you and have had similar encounters with doctors. I say trust yourself because you always sense and know more about yourself than they do. When I was really debilitated by my cognitive symptoms the doctor ran a blood test and concluded from that nothing was wrong. I asked my liver specialist about it as my liver disease can affect cognition and he ordered a CT which showed normal brain function and no further action required. But I knew I wasn’t ok. I researched thoroughly and began to suspect something like a gut overgrowth. I found a naturopath nearby who does advanced microbiome testing and that’s what it was. I’ve managed to restore cognitive function and greatly reduce the fatigue I had. But so many doctors will not look beyond a certain point.

Like you I‘ve found those interactions with doctors activate distressing memories from the past such as how you were treated by your stepmother. Good on you for speaking up for the referral you wanted as I know how hard that is. I have lost my voice with certain doctors who were being domineering and judgemental. I’m glad you had your support worker with you.

There is the option of looking for another GP, but I know from experience it can be an exhausting process trying different ones out. Remember you have every right to ask for referrals and to investigate when you’re concerned about a health issue. If the current referral is going to take a long time you could try another GP. Take care MK and thinking of you.

[mmMekitty]

Hi again, ER & everyone

The difficulty all GPs have is the symptoms people come to them with very often could indicate several potential diagnoses, & they are taught to first look into the most common of these. Some things, like your particular liver disease they might ever see once or twice in their whole career, if they even know about it, it is low on their list of possible diagnoses.

Just as it is more common for people over 65 to be diagnosed with dementia of any type, but still, more common than your rare liver disease!

But, yeah, I just know how my memory & now other cognitive functions are declining. I don't think what is happening is completely explained away by suggesting it is my age, or due to depression or anxiety, not even both of these combined. So maybe a med I began using a year+ ago does have something to do with it? I wonder how to see if that can be ruled out? Same for that other med for another condition, if it may be concealing a new sort of related condition?

Just because I am curious, I want to know more.

ER, I wonder if it would help if. before seeing a new GP or any other medical practitioner, if you had either a letter from your liver specialist, or havve some well-sourced information you could give them about your condition?

Hugzies

mmMekitty