Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK, it was good you were able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your PDr, even though it was difficult. If it makes you feel any better, I think it’s quite common that therapists put their fees up over time. It can just be a bit hard for clients who are only just managing to afford therapy. I know it can feel very vulnerable as a client and I understand feeling confused with mixed messaging about the group therapy. Sometimes directly clarifying can help, perhaps getting him to explain why he’s mentioning group therapy now when previously it was decided it wasn’t suitable. But I know it’s hard to speak up on it. Probably the most important thing is whether you think it would be helpful, or whether you prefer individual therapy.

My psychologist will ask me to feel into things when I’m trying to make a decision or figure something out. She’ll even ask where I’m feeling something in my body or what the feeling is like. This teaches me to tune into my intuition. This can often be a way of knowing how to move forward.

If it helps at all, I think you can get to a point where the attachment to the therapist lessens and you start to be able to operate by your own inner guide. It’s like you develop an inner parent, perhaps the one you didn’t have, who develops the capacity to know how to care for the vulnerable parts of yourself. This is starting to happen for me and it’s quite empowering. I still fall into my vulnerable child self, which happened in a situation this morning actually, but my inner parent now quickly picks me up, reassures me and I can carry on with greater ease and support for myself.

Feeling vulnerable around attachment is completely understandable when our early attachment needs weren’t met. It’s not always easy to control and manage those feelings. I think if we feel seen and heard enough by empathic others, that’s when our inner guide starts to develop as we find it easier to value and take care of ourselves. I hope that helps a bit.

Well done too on managing the home help situation.

Hugzies and sleep well MK

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey MK and everyone,

Though it's hard to keep up at the moment, I've had one eye on your thread, and I just want to say I'm really proud of how you have been examining and trying to work through your feelings of attachment with your PDr, and also how corageous it was for you to uphold appropriate boundaries with your support worker. I know you've come away pretty frazzled and confused from your appointment with PDr, it's hard to process all that stuff in the moment and respond with the questions you really want to ask. It can take some time to reflect and formulate those thoughts. And that's okay. You have thoughts and questions now, you can absolutely ask for clarification next time you see him - or if it's easier to do that in writing than in person, be it e-mail or a page you bring to the next appointment, that's okay too. I know from experience it doesn't always feel good in the moment, but you're doing a fantastic job of looking out for yourself. Wishing you some rest and peace to let these turbulent emotions settle.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, ER & Blue, both for your kind & thoughtful responses to my post/s.

I'm doing telehealth since COVID made it necessary, & because I can't wear a mask. My PDr  has maintained strict protocols about COVID risk.

If I was to join the group therapy, it would have to be via Zoom, which I am not set up for. My system is old, has no camera or mike, & I have strong doubts that any new hardware on the market would be compatible with my old PC. So that's a problem to be solved.

He acknowledged that I'd need help with upgrading to a newer PC with newer software too, new scanner/printer, better speakers, the lot, to also be compatible with my TV, although I am willing to consider a laptop, maybe, but - guess what? I still haven't got my head around connecting blue tooth or WIFI.

I don't know where to start with all that.

His fees have gone up occasionally. When I work out the percentage it seems reasonable. What gets me is it will go up like so many things, with inflation, but that's not how my pension increases (& lags behind the price rises everywhere).

I feel I'm near the bottom end of the food chain, as if all the bigger creatures in the human ocean are ultimately going to scoop up those of us at the bottom to meet their own needs, at the expense of ours.

I'm so grateful I have my pension, state gov subsidised housing, (albeit with my neighbours making things unpleasant & sometimes feeling unsafe), & Medicare & NDIS - I could do nothing without these supports.

I don’t use pen & paper anymore & I don't want to be reading, or having my test-to-speech reader reading notes on my PC while I talk to my PDr, so I try to rely on my memory, which is becoming so unreliable.

It has been a problem of mine, dealing with issues, questions, upsets, in the here & now. I try to. When I can tell myself it is important (enough for me to not think it will sound silly or like something I ought to have already figured out for myself. Thinking my questions, concerns & opinions are important enough to voice is a long-standing problem. As I feel better about myself, the (gradually) easier it has become to open my mouth.

I fear the dreaded inaccurate C.Count will catch me ... so I’ll leave it here for now.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi again

I hope that my attempts to face & deal with my vulnerability with my PDr, I will, in time, be able to function with more self-assurance & confidence. I would very much like to not need him like I feel now. I never wanted that, but it happens, even when the relationship I had with one previous psychiatrist was not good at all. The first I saw in 1993, for two & a half years, before he left to move interstate, had become like that for me too, & it surprised the heck out of me when I realised just how attached I was to him, when he told me he would be leaving. I didn't get to work those feelings through with him.

I know this is why I resist becoming close friends - to protect myself. It's why I don't have such close friends now. My casual friends have drifted away. & because I don't feel a need to be in constant contact with people either.

Getting older, my memory is becoming a troublesome thing I will have to look into, with some dread, I might add, for my future. If there comes a time when I am unable to interact with my PDr in any productive way & we'll have to stop?

Might my memories be a mess while my feelings remain strong?

These are questions that bother me now.

I would definitely like to resolve these feelings.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK, I just want to give you big hugzies (if you want them) as I understand these vulnerable feelings. Sometimes it feels that things are such a struggle, and that feeling of being at the bottom of the food chain can contribute to those feelings of vulnerability and precariousness. Throw in the stresses of paying for therapy and how vulnerable we can feel there, it can leave us feeling very tender in the world.

To me therapy is not quite a natural situation. It’s condensed into 50-60 minutes and somehow we try to articulate our emotions in this set timeframe, and yet emotions are a life force of their own that don’t really fit timeframes. A while ago I listened to an interview with Rachel Yehuda, a leading PTSD researcher, and she was saying the standard therapy structure doesn’t really suit trauma processing. It’s often just at the end of a session that a client starts to make a breakthrough, only to have that cut short and they’re set adrift with activated emotions, and the process doesn’t get to complete when it was ready too. And yet the system is structured the way it is to accommodate multiple patients, Medicare etc. So it’s a kind of piecemeal thing where we process fragments of our experience at intervals, which I think is another thing that can contribute to feeling vulnerable.

Like you I have felt attached to therapists. I think for me the therapist is a point of stability and reliability in the flux of life’s struggles. So the thought of potentially losing that stable reference point can be upsetting. It’s like a reference point of hope existing in the existential threat of loss, and for many of us who go to therapy, loss has been a big thing in our lives.

It sounds like the group therapy option via zoom would be a bit challenging to organise. And it may be the case that the individual therapy suits you best anyway. I think it’s ok to express this to your PDr.

Word count catching up. TBC...

[Eagle Ray]

...just wanted to also say:

As for memories, there is much research now showing how malleable we are neurologically. Mindfulness meditation has been shown to repair telomeres, the cap-like structures on the end of chromosomes that can frey with cognitive decline. The idea that we decline in one direction as we get older is increasingly being disproven. Finding ways to engage our minds and stay connected with people in whatever way is accessible for us (the BB forum is one such way) seem to be meaningful ways to maintain our health (mind-body-spirit).

I feel like following your heart and spirit is the answer to healing and also maintaining well-being as we age. You have lots of heart and spirit, so just wanted to give you hope and encouragement and hopefully help you feel less vulnerable. Sending hugzies and warm, comforting purrs to LRC too!

[mmMekitty]

Hi ER

Therapy is different in that we have the scheduled time, & if the therapist was to extend it for one patient, the following patients will not have their time as per their appointment.

That was another problem with tha previous psychiatrist I saw. He was never on time, which also tends to make me feel I was not important to him, nor was the appointment time he'd agreed to. It felt very disrespectful.

& yes, when I have finally got into speaking about something I knew I needed to talk about, but as usual,

While I was going to see my previous psychiatrists & my current PDr in person, before & after I left his room, I would do my damnedest to close off whatever feelings I'd been talking about & what feelings I had about the scheduled time coming to an end so abruptly, when he announced the time was up for the session. I lose track of the time, no matter what I was there talking about.

My Current PDr used to have me pay immediately after sessions, then claim back from Medicare straight away. 

Now I still want to pay immediately after, so I don't forget. That has been my way of paying for anything for many years. It means I have to go on to my bank's online site & transfer the payment to his account. I then wait for his receipt so I can go onto Medicare's site & make a claim.there, myself. Now I wait often more than a week for the reimbursement to be paid into my account.

So, even when the session brings up very emotional content, I still want to shut that down so I can get on with paying him.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

The session with my PDr is a time & space which I have set aside.  I want nothing which needs my attention. Any distraction I look for is an indication of how difficult the emotions or topic is for me to face. Being face to face with him in his room made the space & time more distinct than having the space & time here in my flat, with the noises outside, & my things. I'd not want to touch, just to distract myself from the session, his things, like I do with My own.

But wait, I used to fiddle with a loop in the cord edging on the chair I used & feel the curved wooden armrest down to where it was joined a little inaccurately to the leg of the chair.

At first, when I could see better, I'd become involved in the pattern of the rug. As my sight diminished I had noticed that I was able to see less & less of the pattern & the colours. I also noticed the pictures, & had wondered about them, not sure of what they showed. Later I realised I had forgotten what he'd told me about them.

Now, while using Face Time to talk to him, I'd rather him not see much of my flat in the background, so he won't be distracted by that. & I'd feel embarrassed if my place is not at least as tidy as his.

There have been times when it's been very difficult, partially because it's also not like having someone in the same room either. Hearing his voice over the phone is not as close & personal/ He tries to maintain his usual tone & reserved manner, keeping his own emotional reactions to himself. It's rare for me to hear him react with any emotion. The sound from the phone is not as full, & seems more distant, like the actual fact of his being in another location, another room, & therefore,separate.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I meant to talk to my PDr about silence, too, for a couple or three weeks now. particularly since a dream I recall some of, in which he was asking me about silence.

With my tinnitus there seems no such thing as silence = no sound.

But when I'm talking to him, & I can't even hear him breathing, or any shifting of posture, clothes rustling, & such, that silence is disturbing. It's as if he isn't there, like he's lest his room allowing me to prattle on alone. 

The implication there is that, again, he's abandoned me. He's up & disappeared & left me. Suddenly there is a void, the distance feels vast & unfillable.

It's like thh way I feel when I can't see around me & somehow I have walked to a spot in my flat where I can't reach out & feel any of my furniture, walls, doors, or then know which way to go to find something which will re-orientate me, & then everything will fall back into place.

That happened almost a week ago, when I thought I was turning to find my bathroom sink, & thought I'd gone wrong, & into my shower cubical, but instead, what I'd done was find my wardrobe, just outside the bathroom door. I felt totally lost, first when I could not feel anything when I reache around myself, then when I was confused about the location I had thought I'd found.

That was rather scary & disturbing.

But I laugh, to not allow those feelings to overwhelm me, & say, as I often do, "It could've been worse."

I ought to stop doing that, because my mind wants to wander into 'what if' territory, & imagine how it could have been worse.

Anyway, back to silence, I don't know how many times I remembered & forgot about the dream & how in it he'd asked me about silence, & how I want to talk about this with him.

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK, yes the system as it is means that therapists can’t go overtime without compromising other appointments and it’s part of the therapeutic boundary too. I think what Rachel Yehuda was talking about was having some alternate options where people processing difficult things, especially trauma, can let the processing unfold over a few hours where they get to fully work through things at a deep level. It’s often how things work in other cultural settings. People who go to ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru (the reputable healing centres there) often report doing 10 years of therapy in one night. Or the San in the Kalahari have all night healing rituals with singing and dancing where the whole community supports a person not doing well. I think me with my idealistic brain just imagines the possibilities of that, as I feel it would fast track healing. But, as it stands, we have to work with what we have and the necessary limitations it entails.

It is different doing an online appointment, isn’t it. My current psychologist is in a different state and we use Face Time too. It’s worked well apart from the odd technical glitch. But I understand what you are saying, that it’s not quite as personal as being in a room with someone. I wonder if your PDr may no longer require the face mask wearing soon and you might have the option of returning to face to face appointments, if you would prefer that. Though obviously it’s also convenient being able to do it from home.

When you describe getting lost in the rug, that is something I’ve often done when in any kind of meeting where there’s a rug on the ground. I kind of go into the pattern. It takes quite a lot to stay present at times. I’m sure it’s been quite a challenge adapting to the changes in eyesight. Perhaps the sound of voice becomes more pertinent as the eyesight has diminished.

 I like how you describe the appointment as time and space set aside. It’s kind of like a sacred space for healing and an opportunity to explore what we may not at other times with other people. I think going into an appointment with an intent of what we want to work on too can help. I’m trying to do that myself, to clarify what is most pertinent and make the most of the available time. 
Hugzies, ER