In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Just been sitting on the edge of the bath. Not doing anything just sitting. and partner wants to take me to work with him. yes I will be good. No. I'm not up to anything but I'd like my humour back thank-you very much. I just want the world to know my deep and profound love for my children is not an illness. Today was my session with my mental health worker. I thought it was yesterday but I have been confused. She wanted to talk about goal setting and gave me all this paperwork. I don't know much about doing everything in steps/order. And some things I just don't understand at all. I told her about the bird and what I will do to them if they try to put me in the ward again and I can't say it here because it's a brief but violent act. I just thought she ought to know because I'm nice like that. I think I know what she's trying to do but I'm one step ahead. She said she wants to come to the Dr with me to discuss tapering off the medication. That she wants to be there because we should do it together. I don't trust her. I don't trust doctors. The only thing I have faith in is in my belief system.

[Starwolf]

Thank you, Simona for keeping us posted.

Well, at least you have made your intentions clear. May I ask why love for your children was thought to be an illness ? Sounds like a weird conclusion to arrive at...

Perhaps goal setting would have been more clearly explained by spoken words rather than paperwork. Are you going to give this "doing it together" a go and check out what direction it takes ? I guess it wouldn't take long to figure whether it could improve your lifestyle or not. Surely there has to be some compromise that could satisfy everybody...your own well being and peace of mind being of course the priority. I'm with you, not being heard is frustrating to say the least.

What does your partner do ? Would you enjoy going along ? Is his job something you could participate in ?

Just questions on my mind that don't require answers unless you feel comfortable with it.

Because I live in the bush, I too always find myself rescuing / relocating animals. This profile photo is actually the latest in an endless line ! Not the easiest creature to handle...but easier than the slithery types that occasionally find their way indoors 🙂

[Simona]

My mother said my obsession with the children is unhealthy and damaging to them because I always want to be near them. I wanted to go on the vacation camp too but wasn't allowed you see. I wanted to go as a volunteer/helper just to be close to them. Partner is a concreter. He just put little cat No 1 in my lap. I get jealous sometimes because the cats don't sit on my lap because they go to my partner instead. Now I feel loved again because the cat stayed and partner has just left. No. I could not go with him because I need to be alone.

Oh the paperwork. Yes she's helping me with it but wanted me to take it home and familiarize myself with the contents. We didn't get much done today because I told her about the tapering business and she got distracted. I like Echidnas. My 1st husband and I rescued one once. It was trying to shuffle across a main road.

[Kazzl]

Hi Simona, I'm glad they're helping you with the paperwork. Is this to do with the NDIS? I hear the paperwork is onerous. Just make sure you and your partner understand what's in it before you sign anything (I know you will).

So hun, I'm glad you like all flowers because I took a decision on your behalf and bought you a beautiful pure white rose. It's now in my new garden and I call it 'Simona's rose'. It's late in the season for planting roses but it is very healthy and strong and I'll take good care of it. It's in a bed with two other roses (different pinks), some lavender, penstemons and pink dianthus. Very pretty ...

Kaz

xx

[Simona]

How sweet of you Kazz to think of me with the flower : ) You really made me smile. I'm not familiar with the NDIS though. The paperwork I have is called Outcomes Star. "A tried and tested tool for supporting and measuring change". Your garden sounds very pretty...

[Simona]

All day I have been fighting SH urges. I tried distracting. I played around with my make-up and now my eyes look black and smudgy. Patted the kittens. It's so hard. Why I feel I have to hurt myself. Partner is home playing a zombie game. He has no clue how hard it is just to be here. Just to sit and not scream. I'm going to have an early shower. Listen to my ipod nano in the other room and be with my friends. I feel like a coil of wire

[Starwolf]

I am sorry things are so difficult for you. You certainly don't deserve to self-harm. You have a heart a gold and a huge capacity for love. You are also incredibly resilient courageous in the face of hardship. So why you would want to harm yourself is beyond me. But I quite understand the urge is hard to resist.

Kudos to you for giving it your best shot.You have my respect and admiration.

Would telling your partner help ? Could he help distract you from those pesky thoughts ? Perhaps you don't want to cause him concern but are you sure he wouldn't want to know ?

A rose named after you...what a beautiful thought ! It is good to see you are receiving much loving support, though it frustrates me to realize there is so little we can do....

Thinking of you.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona. I am sorry you are struggling with SH urges so badly today.

Some alternatives to cutting that you may like to consider are:

1. Use a red felt tip pen to mark where you may be thinking of cutting

2. Rub ice across your skin where you might usually cut

3. Put rubber bands on wrists, arms, or legs, and snap them instead of cutting or otherwise injuring.

Just remember that self-harm is your way of dealing with feelings of deep distress, emotional pain and difficult situations. The problem is that the relief that comes from self-harming doesn’t last very long. It may temporarily help your feelings of distress or pain, but it doesn’t fix the underlying injury.

I dont know the reasons for your self-harm, so dont know what else to recommend. However, if you self-harm to express pain and intense emotions, then try the following options to help you ignore those urges.

1. Paint, draw, or scribble on a big piece of paper with red ink or paint

Start a journal in which to express your feelings Compose a poem or song to say what you feelWrite down any negative feelings and then rip the paper upListen to music that expresses what you’re feeling

[Guest_9809]

Oops, it got posted accidentally. I hope the above post makes sense Simona.

Also remember to keep yourself calm by some of the following:

1. Take a bath or hot shower

2. Cuddle Bandicoot or one of your little kittens. Do they have names?

3. Listen to calming music

I am going to be away again for a week from tomorrow morning Simona, but I hope to catch up with you again upon my return. Visiting the second lot of grandkids and also my family this coming week. They live 6 hours drive away, so its a longish treck. Looking forward to seeing my Mum and Dad and also my brother and his family and my older sister while away too.

A hug to your Simona.

Taurus xx

[Kazzl]

Hi Taurus - excellent suggestions. 👍

Keep fighting that urge Simona hun. How about you stick around here with us for a while. I'm around tonight if you want company.

Kaz

xx