In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Guest_5218 · ‎08-08-2016

Cheese and crackers are good. Ahh, so you have a wood heater as well. Our only heating is a wood burning fire in our living room. Thankfully we have plenty of wood this year, we had a few large tree limbs fall last year so we are still using the wood from those. We live on a 3 acre house block with lots of gum trees. Although I think that winter may almost be over, and we may not need a fire for much longer. My Holly is also curled up in front of the fire to keep nice and warm. She has a very think coat so feels the cold. She also has her own little blanket which she burrows into and twists until she is in a tight little ball on the couch. She's a funny little thing.

I understand your reluctance to call the psych nurse unnecessarily. If you are not too bad right now, then I wouldnt suggest you call her. But it must be reassuring to know that you can if you ever need to.

I'm sure tomorrow wont be as bad as you are thinking right now. And dont forget that it starts with a meeting with your psych nurse, and you get along well with her. So try to think of the positives for tomorrow, rather than the negative of having to see the psychiatrist afterwards.

I'm glad you had something for your dinner tonight. Do you normally like to have breakfast? I hope you manage to eat a decent breakfast as that will help with your weigh-in with the psych.

I will definitely be thinking of you tomorrow.

All the best to you.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎08-08-2016

Yes we have an open fire except all the wood collection areas are currently closed and will re-open next month. We live on a residential block you see. Ha you made me smile as I read what you wrote about Holly making her bed : ) Bandicoot does the same and she's so funny to watch because she has to do it in a certain way. Yeah I'm not working myself into a mess about tomorrow. What will be will be. I'll come back and update you all anyway : )

Breaky? Nope. I used to few years ago but these days (on average) I have 1 punnet of blueberries around midday. A portion of almonds, walnuts and pecans - dry roasted. Then around 4pm I have 3 crackers with a smear of peanut butter and 4 dates if I have sweet tooth. Dinner is a cooked meal usually but tonight I just felt like those premium crackers 99% fat free of course but i brought them back up. And I drink that sencha green tea afterwards. I have on average 2 cups. I know it doesn't sound like much but i don't get hungry really. I don't like how she wants to weigh me and i hope she doesn't this time. It makes me so angry! Last week i gained a little and she said 'Hmm you wouldn't be too happy about that'. Makes me want to not eat anymore. I hate being under so much scrutiny and I'm terrified of those anti psychotic pills they keep pushing on me. For starters, they wouldn't stay down anyway so total waste. I just want to be left alone by them except for my psych nurse because she's really nice and i trusted her with my writings and a special drawing.

Thank you for giving me your time and wishing me well : )

Simona · ‎08-08-2016

I know 'they' like to have everyone convinced i passed out from not eating/drinking enough in the mhu but in actual fact i fainted from their medication and that is my truth.

"Nighty night : )

Guest_5218 · ‎08-08-2016

Good night Simona. I hope you sleep well.

I look forward to hearing from you again tomorrow. I trust all goes well.

Sherie xx

Starwolf · ‎09-08-2016

Good to have you back, Simona...and great to know the OCD and mania have gone. Quite a victory. Any idea what caused this disappearance ? New medication while in hospital ?

I can relate to not being able to connect with people. Even in the lack of mental illness symptoms, my way of thinking is not mainstream enough. It condemns me to feel like -and be regarded as- an alien !

Anorexia must be so draining...this ongoing war between the reasonable mind and its deceiving counterpart. Let's hope your current weight will be found acceptable.

I will be thinking of you today, keeping my fingers crossed that all will go well.

Simona · ‎09-08-2016

Hello Star : ) well. I'm still free range. Psychiatrist said I should probably be in hospital but.. i have been given a deal. Take anti psychotic or be taken away. I'm supposed to pick up the script tomorrow morning or else. I didn't go in for my 2nd appointment because i became very paranoid. All the phones were ringing when i got home. I was frantic and very busy preparing. I had things to organize and things to hide. I had visitors to check on my welfare this afternoon. I told them i will try to ignore the commands. I can't make any promises i can only try. I'm an honest person.

Starwolf · ‎10-08-2016

Yes, you are honest. That's one of the many things we love about you...

Nothing like being free range, so the deal sounds well worth respecting. Well done for always trying your best and being aware that a promise = commitment. I agree that there's no use promising unless we're 100% sure we can commit. You rock !

Enjoy your freedom.

Simona · ‎10-08-2016

So far so good. I swallowed the pill at 7pm after managing to eat a little more than yesterday. I had the urge to sick it all up but stayed really strong. I told partner instead and he was so nice. He held me and kissed me and told me how much he believes in me. I know it's really early days yet but I kept the pill down so that's a big deal for me. I just want to be well and enjoy my life. Today, I spent most of it just curled up in bed. The things inside my head were bad. I feel so weak and my tum hurts and burns. It just occurred to me to perhaps try something like Sustagen (hospital formula) from the chemist. I'm trying really hard

Guest_5218 · ‎10-08-2016

Hi Simona, sorry I didnt respond to you yesterday. But I am really pleased, and somewhat amused, to read that you are still 'free range' after your appointments on Tuesday. (-:

You are indeed very brave and committed Simona, I know from what you have told us, how hard this is for you - both the medication and the eating. But I am proud of you for making such an effort to get well again. Your partner sounds so nice! You are very lucky Simona, in that regard. I wish I had that sort of support. I envy you.

Sustagen could be a good option for you. Have you ever tried it before? If you like the flavour of it, then I would suggest that you give it a go and see if it helps you.

I know how hard you are trying, and can only offer my support to encourage you to continue in that vein for as long as it takes. I also know how honest you always are, so that must be a difficult situation for you when dealing with the medical profession. But it is a good thing too Simona, as there is no benefit to you at all by being other than honest. It will only hurt you in the long run. So please continue the good work.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Hopefully you continue to feel a little better each day.

Much love.

Sherie xx

Simona · ‎11-08-2016

Sherie : ) you and little Holly and your birdies. You are such a kind and gentle person. You are so deserving of support and tenderness. It's hard for me to fathom how someone so beautiful in every way is so under-appreciated. I feel truly blessed for knowing you Sherie : )

Today has been a very good day so far in terms of no paranoia. I loved the teasing sunshine. I walked the streets and smiled at familiar faces. I'm so happy Sherie : ) I'm alive and Spring is almost here!