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In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).
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Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared
Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it
I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.
I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game
Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop
beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.
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My mother told me I remind her of Ophelia.
I must be Ophelia
my partner this evening is NOT
a. my friend
b. trustworthy
c helpful
d. wanting my company
e. understanding
e. all of the above (BIG TICK HERE)
He told me I have stupid ideas
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Hi Simona - why do you think you're so painful? Has something happened?
I don't think you're Ophelia by the way. It's a long time since I read Hamlet, but I don't recall Ophelia having your wit and intelligence. And she was a victim who met with an unfortunate end, so let's just rule that out here and now. 😄 She's usually portrayed as an ethereal beauty though, so that bit's accurate I reckon.
You OK hun?
Kaz
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I was called a rude word staring with D = delusional
Yes I'm ok now but had hurt feelings earlier so I had a vodka cruiser and shut myself away with my ipod nano again. Look, I won't kid around here; I'm quite concerned about him.
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Morning Simona - I hope you had some sleep. Delusional is a cruel word for people like us. but it's one that gets used in everyday speech by people who don't understand its real meaning. I can see how it would have hurt you.
How are you today? And how is your partner?
Hey, what do you listen to on your ipod? Do you have favourite bands or songs?
Catch you later hun.
Kaz
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Isn't it strange how others perceive us ? Often very different from the way we perceive ourselves. Inevitable I think because we see ourselves from the inside. Those around us see us from the outside...a totally different angle ! I hope knowing you are much loved makes up for those misunderstandings and eases the hurt.
I have meant to ask...what has your eldest been up to since he left home ? He sounds like such a terrific young man, insightful and artistically-minded...You must miss your conversations, visits to the museum etc... I remember feeling relieved when my difficult daughter was ready to leave home (she had a brain injury and I was her sole carer). Then a few weeks after she left, I noticed a cobweb across a corner of her bedroom doorway and crumpled in a heap, crying my heart out !
I'm with you re music. There's a lot I can do without but I'm one of those people who think that -without music- the world would be meaningless.
I hope harmony creeps back into your life today 🙂
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Hello Kazz : ) I just got out of bed. I was lying there for a some time. Last night that 1 bottle of cruiser was the first alcoholic drink I had in 4 years. I'm not supposed to drink. I feel ok. I haven't seen my partner yet. He is still very hurt about what I done to myself and I believe he needs a counsellor. Because I'm not good with emotions like that. I think today I will give him plenty of space. I might go back to the art gallery even though it's still the same exhibition. I will sit in a café and try to stay away from the hardware store because it's calling me. I listen to an assortment of music on my ipod from Nick Cave, the chemical brothers to sleepwalk by Santo & Johnny which is a favourite. Many more
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Good to know your son is OK. You are right, of course. There comes a time when our children need their own space. Leaving the nest is natural, a difficult but necessary transition.
It must be hard for your partner to see you struggle. As for "making him fall in love", I can't see it as being too difficult ! Charisma is a serious advantage... 🙂
Found names for those kittens yet ? I guess they must be already showing different personalities. I find watching youngsters' individuality develop fascinating, no matter which species they belong to.
If that's what you will be doing, I hope you enjoy visiting the art gallery. No matter how many times we have a look at the same artwork there's often something new to feel or discover. It also depends on the mood we're in at the time, doesn't it ? No art gallery close to where I live but Nature is always busy painting. Same landscape but seen in a different light that changes by the minute. I'm surrounded by mountains so love to watch the play of light on slopes and hollows.
Whatever you do or don't, fingers crossed pain can be kept at arm length.
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Oh the kittens have names. But I get paranoid about sharing these things. Online I refer to them as little cat 1 or 2. Little cat 2 is the boy and I just had a cuddle with them on the bed. I love their purring : ) I came home at last because I was down to my last $5.00 and had little fuel. I went to the art gallery and I was there for a while. Then I went next door to the café because they have a provedore and I like to smell and touch things in there. I then went to the other café where I have been ordering the dirty chai. I sat at the same table. I'm going to skip the next place I went to because I can't talk about it. But I drove to the church straight after except the big door was locked. All the heavy doors were locked. Now I'm home and partner gave me 3 kisses. 1 for last night because he was grouchy at me 1. For morning. Because he left before I was awake 1. just because he loves me.
There are no mountains where I live. It's very dry red and flat. But I like our little cacti garden out the back.
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