In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎13-01-2017

Aha. I didn't want to go back. One of the reasons is because it's so far away and also in all that time I had only 1 visitor once- my heartbroken mother. So each day is very very long in that place. And lastly that 's where all the really sick people go. And I'm nothing like them never will be.I have been trying to distract all this rainy afternoon. I painted my nails red which was an effort because being still is not easy. Partner is very happy I'm still here. He cooked us a really nice barbecue dinner and told me he's giving me a massage tonight because I'm going to be pampered : ) Now it's slowly getting dark

Simona · ‎13-01-2017

I just wonder..why do I get my baddest ideas at night. Maybe the moon is hanging crooked

Kazzl · ‎13-01-2017

Hi hun, I'm back after some interweb problems because of wild weather here.

I am very pleased the visit went well, and I agree with Star about the idea of self-harming going with the means to do it. Try very hard to think of it that way - you handed over not just the means but the need.

You have a very nice partner I reckon. I do like a man who keeps his promises, cooks and gives massages. Nice. I've got one too. Aren't we lucky! (And aren't they lucky! 😄)

Hmmm, interesting thought about night - usually my darkest times too. How do we fix the moon I wonder ... 😊

I bet your red nails look nice. I don't have nice nails because I'm a gardener who doesn't like wearing gloves, so they get chipped and dirty. I like the feel of the plants and soil.

Well hun. I hope by now you're enjoying your pampering, and that you sleep well knowing everything's OK, and you are well loved and cared for.

Cheers

Kaz

xx

Simona · ‎14-01-2017

Hello : ) today I roamed around town alone and had another dirty chai. And I called my mother and told her I'm abit unwell again because she worries when I haven't phoned for a few days. Sometimes I feel really sick Kazz like I shouldn't be free. Other times I feel everyone around me is sick and I'm the well one and they try to poison my world with their lies and chaos. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything I like other times I feel like I have been hijacked because I have to do things. The bad me has them fooled again. before my children left for vacation I had to hide objects at night while they slept. Because the good me was worried about the bad me harming them. In particular one. My partner doesn't know this because it's deep secret and yes I'm lucky to have him : ) he gave me a quick foot rub last night then said said he is too tired for much else. I gave him the paranoia ha ha ha. Because he sleeps with one eye open

Kazzl · ‎14-01-2017

Hi Simona, I'm here with a big hug for you (hug!) It sounds like things are hard for you today.

Do these thoughts frighten you? I don't believe you would actually harm your children, I know they are everything to you. But thoughts can come into our minds that we have no intention of acting on, and they are a terrible, terrifying intrusion. Maybe you were worried about your kids going away? Do you worry when they're not with you? I've forgotten how old they are ... you have three is that right? What are they like?

Freedom is a complex thing, and I guess we each have our own idea of what it means. None of us is totally free to do what we want, it's a relative thing. Sometimes I guess we just have to do certain things to be as free as we can be. For me that includes taking medication because when I'm not well, I'm not free - I'm hostage to an illness. For other people medication can seem like a restriction on freedom. It all depends on the individual. Finding the balance that's right for you is the key thing.

Simona, I'm really quite humbled that you trust me enough to share a secret. But I wonder if keeping it from your partner is troubling you? Secrets can be just little things we think about by ourselves, or they can be terrible burdens, big burdens. Is this a burden to you? Are you worried what he might do if you tell him?

Like I said, I know how much you love your kids, so harmful thoughts must be awful for you. Have a good think hun about whether this should be something to talk about with your partner and your people. Only you know the answer to that and I'm not pushing either way. Just have a think.

It's boiling hot here again today and windy. I hate the wind. My little dogs have hardly moved off the couch all day - too hot to play. How's Bandicoot?

Love to you hun

Kaz

Starwolf · ‎14-01-2017

What a dedicated partner you have...Seriously Simona, where did you find him ???

I agree...we humans are complex creatures. The different facets of our personalities are often at war with each other. No wonder we end up confused ! Kudos to the good you for managing the negative you successfully. It shows your inner strength and deep love for your family.

Being a free spirit is not always easy, is it ? We often find ourselves having to do things we'd rather not (insert annoyed sigh)...

How is your weekend shaping up so far ? A dirty chai and walk around town sound like a good start. What and where to next ?

Simona · ‎14-01-2017

Aha I have 3. The oldest one moved out while I was in the mhu. I have my younger ones now 9, 12. I'm besotted with my children and i would never consciously hurt them. I miss them so much. I feel I am a ghost without them.

Simona · ‎14-01-2017

He mustn't know. It's under control - my control. I know what i need to do. Just hide things from my view or put something heavy on top of them so they would make a crashing noise and wake partner up. It's the sharp or heavy things i have to put out of sight

Bandicoot is good. She sat on my lap yesterday but i told her to get off because she smelt BAD

Simona · ‎14-01-2017

Hello Starwolf : ) yes. He's a catch : ) He used to be my neighbour. I made him fall in love with me : ) I wanted him to be mine so i knocked on his door. My day is a blur but the chai i could taste and i loved the golden creamy foam on top. I sat in the café at a small 2 person table. I didn't watch the people. There were too many and they were all talking at once. I just sat in my own world. Where to next? I will go into the other room now with my ipod nano

Kazzl · ‎14-01-2017

Poor Bandicoot! Haha, I was telling my dogs earlier that they were smelly. They didn't care.

Nine and 12 eh? Nice ages, starting to be their own people, developing their own interests. It's amazing to watch them grow up. Enjoy, enjoy hun. Kids are wonderful, and they'll be home with you soon. When mine went to camps I used to enjoy the first couple of days' break, then by the middle of the week I'd be desperate for them to come home. Then they'd get home and there would be a week's worth of washing to do haha.

I'm glad you 'know what I need to do'. I think our ability to control ourselves is one of the things that sets us free. You know you have control and that's very important. I admire your self-awareness, and knowing that what we think is not what we do. I have to remind myself of that sometimes, I don't always control anger very well, and sometimes I have to stop myself saying what I'm thinking (or throwing things, usually phones or remote controls). I'm getting better at it. I think genuinely knowing what keeping control really feels like (including the struggle and annoyance of it) helps us recognise when we're losing it. And that's important too.

I'm off to cook now - tacos tonight, yum. See you soon I hope.

Cheers hun

Kaz

xx