In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Be with the Lord i would now and forever.

This is a message im getting.

I said this to my nurse this morning.

I told her the writing is on the wall

I have taken photos of it to show them at my tribunal hearing next week.

[monkey_magic]

Stay blessed Simona!

[Quercus]

Hi Simona 😊

How are you feeling today?

Your post talking about life having purpose and meaning was beautiful. I hope you can hold onto this feeling to keep yourself safe.

I think often that my purpose doesn't have to be something massive or obvious. It could be something I see as insignificant. I'm not making sense... can I give an example?

An obvious one... You sharing your story and experiences here. Maybe to you it doesn't seem meaningful and important but it IS. Imagine you were the spouse or carer of someone with similar symptoms. Now think of your posts...

To them it is an insight into the mind of their loved one. How to help. How to relate. How to understand how they are feeling. What works and what doesn't. So important huh.

Sorry I'm waffling again. I hope you can keep safe Simona. I gain a lot from talking to you and I'm sure others do too.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Hello today the paranoia piranha is gnawing at my brain i asked to be sedated. Im concerned its not enough sedation becsuse i feel agitated

My partner spoke to me on the ph and triggered me badly. He said if i get discharged while still unwell/suicidal he will make sure im accomdated away from them. Like rehoused in my own unit but that's stupd

Anway because i wouldnt last a week

[Simona]

I feel unwanted and discarded. I woudnt know how to live alone. I want to be sedated NOW

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

I hope the medication starts to help soon. Being patient is hard work especially when you're hurting.

Maybe your partner said that because you are where you need to be to be safe. It would be very hard to have you home and be afraid that you may hurt yourself.

A work friend found her husband after his attempt. She said she was frightened to sleep in case he tried again. The pressure on her was enormous. Most of all because she loves him.

Sometimes hospital is where we need to be. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you... Just that he is frightened for you.

I have to get ready for work now. But I'm thinking of you. Not forgotten ok.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Just been placed on a 26 week inpatient order

[monkey_magic]

A 26 week inpatient order? Is that a CTO meaning you can leave, or does that mean you have to stay in hospital for 26 weeks? How are you feeling about it all??

[Simona]

No i cant leave

They are treating me for my anorexia as well. 

[Simona]

Things have been explained to me more. They can keep me here up to 26 weeks But if they see an improvement they can discharge me earlier. Just means i have to keep taking my medications and turn up for my depot injection or get forced back into hospital.

Tomorrow my partner and children will be visiting. I hope i will cope once they leave.