In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Is it bad that your post made me giggle? I do understand being frustrated at professionals. Sometimes they get it wrong too. They're human. I'm sorry your situation has been so confusing and they can't seem to decide what is happening.

But if you refuse your meds will that help you? Will that help you to be stable and feel well enough to go home and be with your partner?

I am worried about you. If the doctors won't listen to you could you ask your partner to come and talk too? Maybe he will have noticed symptoms and can give information the doctors don't have or aren't seeing.

I'm frustrated for you to be feeling so unheard you want to refuse meds so they see the worst. This frightens me because what if the worst means you hurt yourself somehow? Or end up sabotaging yourself from being allowed home to see your loved ones.

You are important to the people in your life Simona. And to many of us here (me included). I don't want to see you hurt. Please take care of yourself.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Things have been explained to me better. Im not racist but sometimes i struggle to understand. Being confused makes it worse.

Schitzo Affective with bpd traits and ptsd.

Now im taking the medications. The morning ones i really like. They make me feel stoned/mellow yellow 😎

[Simona]

Yes i have been eating. Salads, crackers and drinking milk.

Trying not to self harm but i enjoy it.

BUT

All fun and games aside i really want to go home.

[running_up_that_hill]

Hi Simona

Gimmie some of those "The morning ones i really like. They make me feel stoned/mellow yellow 😎" I could do with some of those right now!

[Simona]

Do you have a thread Running Up That Hill?

[Simona]

Anyway i hope you are ok. I'm not always good with words. But i would like to get to know you better 🙃

[Simona]

The singer still hasnt responded. I sent anoher text few days ago. It was one word "PLEASE".

I used to backmask his songs. I recieved messages only i can understand . I can repeat a couple of verses backwards. Sometimes like last week i write them on the mirror in red lipstick.

Large letters

MUST NOT WALK WITH IT

IT is the evil one. It's not my shadow ok

[Simona]

Ye i went to the nurse. I didnt want to do what HE whispered.

See im trying so hard and mum is coming for visit. Shes bringing me almonds and walnuts and cuppacino

[Quercus]

Hi Simona 😊

I'm sorry I haven't written till now. I claw myself up and the crash again. Has been like that for a few months.

I know you are trying and you're doing ok. You reached out to the nurse. That was a good choice. You're in a safe place and doing what you can to help yourself. That is good news even if it must be exhausting.

I'm glad your Mum is coming to visit. And with coffee! And walnuts Yum.

Please keep taking care of yourself Simona. I'm thinking of you.

❤ Nat

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

I wanted to let you know I will be offline for about a week. I am really not feeling very well and need to do the self care thing now.

If you are really struggling please know you can reach out to other CCs and they will care too. I know you're struggling right now so I'll ask for help.

Please take care of yourself and I'll talk when I am able.

❤ Nat