In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Sorry I missed your reply yesterday. Have you seen the dietician today yet? That makes me sad to think of you so ill physically. I hope they can give you some techniques that work with your anorexia.

I won't say to achieve a "normal weight range" because that is bollocks. Nothing wrong with being slender if your vitals are good and you feel healthy within yourself. I remember being a size 10 and being able to count bones and yet the ex would look at the scales and say "how can you possibly weigh so much". So scales are crap. Aim for feeling healthier?

I love food so I feel for you to have trouble eating. Meals at the farm were always a family event. Comfort eating aside... The process of cooking and eating with family is what I like.

Picking blueberries with my kids and mulberries off the tree. Apples and oranges at Mum and Dad's. Squeezing lemons and cumquats as kids and mixing with water (sour lemonade). Shelling peas into a cup of lemonade and drinking the bubbly pea creation (sister's idea). Showing my son which is rosemary and mint and basil and seeing him crush some to show his friends when they come to play. Smells yummy hey?

I hope one day you can feel this about eating. That there is joy to be had.

I don't doubt you will improve Simona. You are a strong woman. Said it before but it's true. One day at a time. You'll be home soon I hope.

❤ Nat

[blondguy]

Hey Simona

Im sorry that I havent posted for a while....my bad! I just hope you have found some peace along the way...even a little as you deserve it so very much

Paul

[geoff]

hi Simona, wouldn't it be better for you to be seeing a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist. Geoff.

[Simona]

They started me on medication. Im back in my room now. I was transfered to the high dependency unit. They took away my phone and then only allowed me to use it under supervision. I do have a psychiatrist but dont know name. They pass me around alot. Mum called and came for a supervised access visit. I didnt like the nurse sitting there listening in. It made me feel paranoid.

🙃

[Quercus]

Hi Simona 😊

I know you don't like medication but reading your post it does sound a bit calmer than the previous ones. Maybe try to keep in mind that the doctors do want to keep you safe and the medication is helping you get closer to going home to your partner.

How are you feeling today? I have been worried about you. I'm glad you have your phone back. Have you been able to listen to any music again?

I hope today was even slightly easier for you Simona and that you managed to eat.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Hello 👽 well im not hearing voices or seeing things.

But im still s'dal and wanting to be released so i can.......

I have a good friend on the ward. Hes making sure i eat becaus he said hes very concerned about me. He and i have alot in common.

I can sit down and talk with him withou paranoia.

The medication i have to take mornin and night is very sedating

They took my ipod away and my hoodie cord. So i listen to music on my mobile.

Today i see my treating team so i dont know whn im going home yet.

Thank you for your kindness and caring .

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

How did you go with the treating team today? Did they give you any ideas how they're planning to help?

I'm sad to hear you feel suicidal. The hospital is the right place to be then to keep you safe.

At least you can listen to music on your mobile and have someone to talk to but I hope you are well enough to go home soon.

Have you heard from your partner? Does he have many supports to help him cope while you are unwell?

I'm glad you're able to eat and the medications help you rest.

Sorry that I don't really know what the right thing is to say. I do care about you though and hope the suicidal thoughts pass soon.

Please take care of yourself Simona.

❤ Nat

[Simona]

Good morning

Im really confused that is the problem.

The nurses say i have seen my treating team on the 20th.

This i dont remember so i dont know what is going on

Im very upset about it. Yesterday i argued

about it to my nurse.

Then i self harmed

I will write more later

[running_up_that_hill]

Hi Simona

I am so sorry you are in HD. I also have schizoaffective disorder with bp1.Have alot of anxiety and am paranoid over certain issues atm which I wont go into now. I know how lonely it can be ... am sitting with you.

[Simona]

Hello . Nice to meet you. Thank you for the company 🙃

Im no longer in HDU.

Tonight i will not be taking the medication.

Everytime i wind up in this joint i get a new psych. And evertime i get a new diagnosis.

Today i have been told i have BPD and PTSD. 😂

I was told i dont have a psychotic illness. This is despite the thoughts and urges i get to harm myself and others. And paint words on the wall

Well watch this space. Im going to refuse the antipsychotic medication tonight based on their fresh new diagnosis that im not a psycho after all.