In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Simona]

Hullo Starwolf and Quercus : )

I really like your avatar and your post to me Quercus. I like foxes a lot and chickens with icing on their beaks always makes me smile except I don't have chickens anymore. The backyard has been changed and now there is a boat instead.

I should try growing blueberries. I used to try to grow stuff but only cacti survived. Now I don't bother with those either. I buy those fake cacti and succulents from target. I put them in the bathroom.

I haven't eaten cheese for a while. My partner eats cheese. There is a block of tasty cheese that I call cutted cheese because you have to cut it yourself.

Today partner took me into town to the hair salon. I haven't been there for a long time. I had my hair trimmed and straightened. Felt really pretty after. I haven't been pampered for a while. I should wash my jeans. I haven't washed my jeans for 3-4 months. I wear it every day. I only thought of that today. I have no car at the moment and I'm living very rural with no transport. I'm isolated so I come here

[Simona]

I wrote you a post Quercus but it didn't come through. I used a special word for a block of cheese.

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Huh.. Ohhh a particular brand name maybe? That would get pinged for sure. I'll look out for your reply 😊.

How is your day going? I'm waiting for my psychiatrist and to be honest I pity him having to listen to me today.

[Simona]

Oh it's not a brand name. It's just my special name for it. Oh well I can see now it's a dangerous word. Feel quite daft ha ha ha

My day has been very stretched out like melted colby thank-you for asking. I have been stuck at home until this afternoon. Also the tv didn't want to turn on. I missed out on Ellen.

I get very drained talking to people in the mh sector. I get headaches I honestly can't even remember the name of my psych or what they look like. I talked to a dr this week but I'm not sure if she's my psychiatrist. How are you today? Don't pity him too much he's on good money

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Oh the runaway post is here! Lucky you with the pampering. I love the feel of having my hair cut don't you? I haven't told hubby yet but I'm having a pixie cut. Suspect he will hate the new look but oh well it's only hair.

Your partner sounds very kind. I remember you wrote he "makes you melt" and thinking... Oh that's love then.

Is the boat real or decorative? I got a mental image of a row boat potted up with flowers.

I'm sorry to hear you are isolated. Are there many supports in your local area?

By the way I laughed at the mention of the psych being paid well when I walked out and saw his fancy BMW 😂. I've never understood the appeal of fancy cars. Thank you for my first laugh of the day.

Well jeans washed or unwashed it doesn't faze me. Coming to chat with you here is the best thing I've done for me in a long time.

Nat

[Simona]

Hello : ) yes I do love having my hair styled. It's the longest it's been for ages but still above shoulder. I had pixie a few times. The messed up tomboy look with the fringe longer than the back. I used to have it in my eyes or tuck it behind my ear. Very sexy ha ha. You should just go for it and get it. Like you said it's just hair anyway. Grows like grass

The boat is a tinny. I don't go in it. I almost drowned once as a child. I fell overboard into a big lake and my dad had to jump in. It was autumn and very cold. Also I don't like being still for too long. Just sitting and floating not for me

My local area is red dirt and scrub. I have to be driven now into next town to see my MH support worker. There are no support groups for people like me. There is a TAFE but I can't do TAFE. My friend is my MH support worker who takes me to the café and escorts me to dr's appointment.

Alone I go to op shops or sit alone in café if not paranoid.

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

Thanks for your reply on my thread. I was a little surprised (in the nice kind of way) to know you had searched for my thread and took the time to read. Wow. Thank you. That means a lot to me.

Red dirt and scrub... That brings back fond memories. We lived in northern WA for a long time. Red dirt, yellow scrub and a blue blue sky. I loved it especially the isolation. I'm not a city person at heart. Do you like living in a rural area?

Your story about the boat hit home. I'm not a good swimmer so boats aren't my cup of tea either (unless they're potted up with plants 😊). I'm glad your Dad was there to rescue you.

I think going out alone is admirable. My sister is self assured and it doesn't bother her at all to go to a cafe or shop by herself. That's beyond me I have to admit. I feel nervous in public by myself so I stay home. The joy of having kids is I'm never alone so we go out a lot more now.

I hope today was a good day for you.

Nat

[Simona]

hello : ) My mh support worker /social worker just dropped me off. She took me to the dr's then gave me 45 minutes to do as i like while she went away to have lunch. I was so happy I went to my café and had my dirty chai. Next I bought myself vitamin. That St Mary's Thistle by Caruso. A beautiful red Clinique lippy. 2 cheeky Bonds knickies. And salmon and strawberries. A man stopped and asked how I am. Really good!!!!! I beamed back. I'm actually having a GOOD day : ) When I have a car I don't mind living here although I wish partner would buy me a horse. I love horses and used to ride. Not my own but had horse riding lessons every weekend. They don't run any here though. I used to love galloping : )

I hope you enjoy getting your hair done. I'm getting mine snipped shorter like how I described in my other post. Straight bob is ok but every 3rd woman in town has that look and I like being different

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona. It certainly sounds like you are having a good day. Very pleased for you.

I love horses too, they are beautiful noble creatures. I grew up around horses when I was little and had my own horses when I was a young teenager. Then had horses right up until I was in my late 20's and I had to move to the city for my work. Regrettably I had to sell them then. But I sure can understand your love of horses. I used to gallop through wheat paddocks, along quiet country lanes and along river beds. Such a lovely 'wild' feeling. Then there were times I used to just like to ride slowly along and take in all the sights, sounds and smells of the country. I used to live way out in the bush then. Although I am still in a rural location now, its not as remote as where I used to be back then. I guess being closer to town has its advantages however.

Anyway just wanted to let you know how happy I am to hear that you've had a good day. May you have a string of good days ............. Hugs to you. (-:

Sherie xx

[Simona]

Hello Sherie : ) Wow I'm just picturing all that....what a lucky girl you were : ) My little girl with summer in her hair and sing - song voice would love a pony. And there is nothing quite like that 'horsey' smell is there? of chaff and oiled saddlery though you must be careful not to over-oil.

Thank-you for the hugs!!