In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Guest_5218]

Dear Simona,

I've been away for much of the week, so my apologies for not getting back to you in a while. Thanks by the way for calling by my thread the other day. Your very kind thoughts are much appreciated. Especially now while I feel very much on my own, anxious about all thats been happening and extremely vulnerable. (-:

Ha ha ... kids! Noisy sleepovers are such fun. Sounds as though your kids are doing just fine.

So how was your dirty chai on Thursday? Yes, I'm with you, definitely in a mug is best. Oh and good for you, I'm glad you like the little biscuits they serve with them. Thats something I guess, and definitely better than nothing. Your MH support worker sounds very lovely. Does she have the same sort of sunny personality that Sonia Kruger has as well?

I can understand you not liking sustagen Simona, and for not really feeling like eating for that matter. A lot of the medications you'd be on would not help either. I do know that restricting food intake (as with AN) and subsequently our weight, can be an attempt to control certain areas of our life we feel are out of our control. It can also define our sense of self worth, and a way of expressing emotions that are too painful or complex to explain to others. I used to be a healthy weight, but over the past 6 months I've lost 12 kgs, and am now considered underweight. I try to eat healthy food though, as I simply cannot lose any more. But I guess I'm telling you this because, I understand just a little f what you may go through in that regard. And I dont have anorexia nervosa.

I've been away off and on all this past week, staying in the city where hubby has been in hospital. So I have really missed my dog Holly when I've needed to leave her with her usual carer. I will spend lots of time with her today and give her heaps of pats and cuddles.

Thanks Simona, I will try to take care, as best I can. Please you do the same .. okay? Big hug to you.

Sherie xx

[Simona]

I'm off my medication. It's been some days I can't remember how many. To me it's poison and it makes me very paranoid. I texted my mum and told her. I also texted my current weight to her. I have since decided that this was a cruel thing to do. She sent me back an abusive text. It hurt my feelings. I ignored her for a while. She sent me a sorry text later that day. Very soon after I post this message I will ring her up and tell her I ate a punnet of blueberries.

Very early this morning I was having nightmares about aliens. I was stuck in the nightmare. In the nightmare I was moving my head against the mirrored wardrobe sliding door FAST. I wanted to wake up. I ended up waking up in bed and I kept hearing them in the house. I got partner to check on the children. I told him if anyone goes near them I will destroy them. Partner said they were safe and came back to bed. He held me in bed. I was so scared because I still heard the floor boards creaking like aliens was walking around. I told him I was worried about the aliens. He said he's getting me my medication but I said NO. I said to him THINK ABOUT IT. What if I'm right and this is true: there are aliens in the house. You just want me to take the medication and just sleep? I can't remember what he said. He just held me in bed and made me hot. Tomorrow I see my MH support worker and a Dr. This Dr is interested in my weight.

[Simona]

My mum is not home and I'm not texting her.

Last Thursday my MH support worker took me out for dirty chai. After that we went to the Dr. We had to wait for a long time. I told my MH support worker the Dr is out lunching. I was right.

Yesterday partner took me out to the same café while his parents were looking after the children. He said that's where he took the children on Mother's Day while I was away getting ECT. He also took me to Target and bought me a lipstick.

[Starwolf]

Good to see you getting out and about and getting spoilt.

I'm with you re doctors. I know they're busy people but they sure have a tendency to keep patients on hold ! Our local, rural surgery has a 2 weeks waiting list to see a doctor and the local hospital will turn you away if you can still walk. There is another surgery with a couple of bulk billing GPs...but it doesn't take long to figure why they have no waiting list !!! That's one of the hazards of life in the outback.

The thought of aliens in the house is a scary one but it seems to go with the no medication territory. I'm glad your partner could hold and reassure you.

Good to have you back around the forums...we've missed you.

[Simona]

Hello Starwolf : ) the antipsychotic made me have nightmares too. And gave me hot sweaty feet that I used to flex and rub together. I researched it and was further disturbed by my findings. So far I have not found 1 antipsychotic I'm not paranoid about

I have been trying to eat more. I had a punnet of blueberries and half a punnet of strawberries. A teaspoon of white sesame seeds for hair health. Some pumpkin seeds. Dinner was a saucer of scrambled egg. I hope I present well tomorrow. I don't want to be re-admitted.

Thank-you for posting

[Starwolf]

Chatting with you is always a pleasure.

I hope all goes well today. Well done for the effort you have bravely put into eating. It can't have been easy. I too am a big blueberries fan. If they were not so expensive, I might go overboard and eat them by the bucket.

I have the feeling your new lipstick is either vibrantly coloured (or black)...quite a statement, right ?

As you know, I totally understand your position re anti-psychotics. I have witnessed at close range what they do for people and also what they do to people and take away from them. Unfortunately, I have only understanding and support to offer. A shoulder to cry on if needed...but no solution. Balance is elusive...

Please let us know how today goes. My thoughts are with you.

[Simona]

I'm managing therefore no enforced medication or hospital.

My lipstick is Revlon 745 Rhubarb : )

[Simona]

I'm eating salada with peanut butter. The Dr said being so thin can make my mental health worse. I'm trying really hard now to eat some more. My MH support worker is taking me back to the other Dr on Friday. I think this is for blood tests. **I want to stay out of hospital and stay out of mischief**

[Starwolf]

Rhubarb ? Great choice...I'm not into make-up but colours fascinate me.

Your doctor is of course right. Malnutrition impacts on every area of health. It's just like trying to run a vehicle on empty or low quality fuel, isn't it ?

Kudos for making the effort to eat a little more. Only good can come of it. You're doing well.

I know how much staying out of hospital is important to you so I'm sending heaps of supportive thoughts your way.

[Quercus]

Hi Simona,

I slowly read the threads and finally got to yours. Wish I'd read it ages ago. You make me smile. I like you. I hope it's ok if I write to you?

You said once you're not really into gardening but blueberries are very easy to grow in a pot. I have 3 bushes. Have to keep them fenced so the kids actually wait for the berries to ripen. They are delicious and there is something relaxing about picking fruit to eat. It's less about the eating and more about enjoying the sun.

I'm glad you're trying to eat more. You mentioned crackers and cheese... Do you like slices of apple with cheese on top? This is my favourite.

I'm not really feeling well so am going to try take some time off the forums (a week or two) but I wanted you to know how much I appreciated you sharing your story so honestly.

I've never met anyone else who fed their chickens cake but me 😊.

I had rescue chickens and seeing as they had such a hard start to life I'd give them chocolate cake every fortnight. They needed the fat to grow some feathers and deserved some TLC for once. Nothing sweeter than watching how they reacted when they saw me with cake (except maybe chickens with beaks covered in chocolate icing).

Keep taking good care of yourself please.

Nat