In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

On Saturday I went for a drive and hit a bird. I pulled over and left the car running and walked back and gently lifted it off the road. I stood on the stony shoulder and watched it dying in my hand. Because I didn't want it to die alOne. And then I placed it in a nice spot and positioned it's head skywards after smoothing it's feathers down. Then I drove home.I don't feel selfish. I just want to be free like that bird was. But: my mother is angry at me and I feel SAD and far away from her. She said that I'm selfish and a risk to others. That I will hurt someone because that day is coming. I feel so misunderstood and crucified. This was last night

[Simona]

I'm clearly not having a good day : / i will try not to get paranoid.

[Kazzl]

Hi Simona - sorry you're not having a good day hun. Is it the withdrawals or has something happened?

Yep, I get paranoid too sometimes, and read things into things - take care, at least you're alert to it if it starts, and you know what's behind it. That's part of living unmedicated - being alert to changes, knowing what they are and what they can lead to and being able to manage them. You know this stuff, I don't need to tell you. xx

Here if you want to chat.

Kaz

[Simona]

Hello Kazz. I posted earlier but it hasn't come through and I don't understand why it's been held up. There wasn't anything bad in it. Yes I'm paranoid about it. Last night I took a full pill because I felt that bad. Partner said I should come clean with my mh team but I don't trust them. Thank-you for popping by : )

[Kazzl]

Hi hun, don't worry about the other post, things get held up for various reasons, sometimes a mystery to us all. Gremlins I say.

So, if you don't mind me asking, are you on a high dose of medication? Is it possible you could drop to a lower dose so it doesn't leave you quite so flattened? Still allow some of the bigger feelings but maybe enough to stop the extremes? I know you've probably been through all this, and I don't know if your drugs work that way, but just wondering.

Some folks I know have done that with mood stabilisers and although they struggle sometimes, they are less, in their words, zombi-like.

With your mental health team, they are there to work for you, not the other way around. Maybe if your partner could go with you to see them?

Whatever you decide hun, we're here for you.

What's happening in your day today? I'm going plant shopping, my favourite thing! What's your favourite flower?

Cheers

Kaz

[Starwolf]

Good morning Simona,

Balance is one of the hardest things to achieve, isn't it ? How much of your meds can you do without ? How much can't you do without ?

Please don't be concerned by posts being held or even disappearing without a trace. It sometimes just happens. Every system has its glitches. I often feel like one myself. Perhaps you do too...

Just wanted to give you a hug in case you are needing one.

[Simona]

Hello Kazz : ) I spent much of today sorting clothes and packing my children's suitcases. They are going away on vacation for a week. Favourite flower? I don't have a favourite i love all flowers : )

[Simona]

Thank-you for the hug Star : ) Tomorrow morning i have to see one of my mental health workers. Will update later. I hope nothing bad will happen

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona,

As explained before I have been away since Friday, but got home this afternoon.

I know what you mean about finding friends. I dont socialise much at all normally, and do not make friends easily, tending to keep to myself mostly. And so yes, it is very hard. I can probably best be described as a loner. But I would consider myself very lucky and priviliged to be classified as being one of your friends.

So pleasing to hear that you are eating better these days, anorexia is such a hard thing to overcome, so well done to you. It is definitely a good sign that your hair is growing thick and healthy again. Perhaps this is a bit of a gauge to the overal improvement to your general physical health.

Art gallerys are nice to spend time in arent they? I like quiet places soo. I am a terrible artist, never really ever having done art in my life before. But only in the past few months I have started doing sketching and I find myself getting quite engrossed in it now. If only I could find more time to do it! My profile picture is one of the first sketches I did a few months ago. Initially I hated it and was going to throw it in the bin, but it slowly grew on me, and now I quite like it. Very amateur I know, but I hope to improve in time.

I have been spending time away visiting our son and his family 6 hours drive North of here. 4 grandkids up there ranging in age from 4 to 18yo. Then I am away again this Friday to visit our daughter and her family 5 hours South of here. She has 2 kids - a 6yo and a 4yo. So by the time both visits are done, I am going to be totally worn out from grandkid duties. They're all lovely kids though, which makes it that much easier.

And in between the 2 visits I am now home to do 2 days work. Busy busy ....

I hope you are keeping well Simona?

A hug for you,

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

A brave decision, Simona ! It must have been a difficult one for you to make...

Fingers crossed some resolution can be worked out. Looking forward to reading about the outcome. I so wish to see you safe and happy at last...

I know you will miss your children but they'll probably come back home with stories of adventures to share 🙂