In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

Hello Star : ) oh I am so sorry for any concern. At the time I really didn't think anyone would be concerned for me. I don't know why I thought that. I just did. And I didn't think much at all but feel sheepish and sorry about it now. I should have signed off with manners. I spent majority of these past 5 months staring into space. Watching Ellen while standing in front of the tv. Cleaning. Sitting in my 2nd favourite coffee shop watching people walking. Then the kittens came (partner thought it would be good therapy) and I really like cuddling them but they squirm alot. I also like it when one of them climbs up and sits on my shoulder like a parrot. I like to walk around like that real nonchalantly like I'm a pirate. Partner just shakes his head because the cat only sits on MY shoulder not his. Today is my 3rd day off my antipsychotic and I have been pretty dizzy and sick in the guts. I had no idea I would feel this sick but I was close to hitting the floor this morning and going back to bed. I'm watching Youtube and just resting inside. I best not drive until the toxins are totally out of me. And my 2 mental health workers have already tried to talk to me yesterday but I didn't want to speak. I just grimaced from the ring tone.It's like these people have a radar or something and they have to jump me. But you know; it's the holidays and I'm trying to use this time to detox and relax and by the way I'm feeling it's going to take weeks to get this poison out of my system.

Your post made my day also so thank-you : )

[Guest_9809]

Hello Simona. You dont know me, as I only joined in October. But I have read right through your thread, and I think I can see a bit of what you must be going through. I can also see that "Sherie" was very fond of you. I am sorry that you felt that you had lost a friend and someone who cared about you, when she left. The fact that she said in her most recent post that "she would always be here to support you for as long as you wanted", makes me think that perhaps it was not her own choice to leave. So I do hope you dont think badly of her for having dissappeared. I feel sure that she knows you appreciated her, and no doubt wishes she could have said her own goodbyes to you.

I am not that comfortable with change either Simona. Although it does sound as though there have been some good changes in your life recently. And for that I am thankful.

Anxiety gone? Great! Released back into the big wide world? Even better! I'm glad that you have told your partner about not taking the anti-psychotics any more. I totally 'get' your need to LIVE and to feel again, but sometimes that results in a trade-off with problems in other areas. I sincerely hope that you can find a happy medium Simona. The vitamins, minerals and supplements you are taking are not meant to be a substitute for a healthy diet, so I hope you are eating sensibly as well?

I'm pleased to hear that you have not self-harmed in 3 weeks. Thats quite an achievement, so well done to you. I have a friend who sadly does that as well, and find it quite distressing. I hope you are able to maintain that restraint you have shown over the past few weeks.

I feel sure that you can remain positive and do what you need to do to remain out of hospital. Especially with the help of your two new little sibling kittens. Hopefully they will remain good company for your little dog Bandicoot, as well as for yourself. Certainly our pets are a huge help to our mental health in so many ways. In fact my psych told me after an appointment last month "when you feel depressed or anxious, cuddle your dog and inhale their scent". The smell of our beloved pets releases feel-good hormones apparently. So you cant go wrong with cuddling a pet.

I am going away for 5 days from tomorrow, but hope to talk to you again on my return.

Hugs to you Simona and cuddles for Bandicoot and the two kitties. Take care.

Taurus xx

[Kazzl]

Hi Simona, welcome back hun! I am so glad to see you, like Star I was concerned when you disappeared. You are a beautiful soul and a beautiful writer and I always found your posts compelling.

It's so good to hear you're doing well and the anxiety has disappeared. I won't nag you about being careful going off psychotics because you know the effects on you better than anyone. And I truly understand that feeling of 'wanting to live'. I'm on a mood stabiliser for bipolar and it can have a 'leveling' effect that's both good and bad, so I get it. I'll just say that if it gets rough, we're here to talk and hold your hand. There's a lot of people who care deeply about you hun.

Hope your lovely family and Bandicoot and kittens are all well and happy and bringing you joy.

Love

Kaz

xx

[Starwolf]

Yes Simona, stopping the meds abruptly can make you feel real ill. That's why tapering off is usually recommended. I just hope you won't be stopped in your tracks too long.

Forum members come and go, just like Sherie did. We naturally miss them and worry about them. Keep our fingers crossed they'll be OK. You had been so unwell, so distressed. When we're desperately stressed, everything else falls by the wayside. So please don't worry about the lack of warning before you "disappeared".

Your priority now will be to make it through this detox as well as is possible so there is no pressure to respond to posts. Knowing you're OK and out and about is enough 🙂

I wish you a speedy recovery and peace of mind.

[Simona]

Hello Taurus : ) Thank-you for introducing yourself to me. I'm always pleased to find a new friend. Finding a friend is not easy for me in the outside world. And because I have been trapped in my own head for so long I'm not good with the 3 S words = Social Skills and Society. Yes. There have been some good changes in my life since my last stay at the MHU. I am beating anorexia and my hair is much better now. I eat more than just nuts and berries. I can eat normal food without getting it up in the toilet. Also I'm no longer scared of being outside and I can sit in my favourite café or visit the art gallery. Because that is one of my safe quiet places and I love art : ) Yes. I was honest and told partner I was not taking the pill though he knows when I don't anyway. He says to me; 'I can see you're not taking your medication. And his voice has a tone to it I don't like. He sounds like Mr Knowitall. This hurts my feelings because I don't know what he's talking about mostly. And I tell him he ought to take some medication too because if it's good for me then it's good for him too.

I ended up taking 1 pill last night because I was that sick. That is my confession for today. I was weak and I crumbled. I did for a moment think about going to the Emergency Dep but they know me there and I would be in trouble with a capital T. They wouldn't have helped me with the detox. They would have made phone calls to mess up my entire weekend. Thank-you for your post to me and the hugs. Very kind. Yes. I will take good care. Hope you enjoy your holiday : )

[Simona]

Kazzl : ) Well a happy hello to you too! After having been so sick yesterday I decided I will do the taper manoeuvre. Otherwise I'm just trapped on this medication. I'll chip some off the pill tonight and see what happens. It pleases me to know you understand. It's not that the medication disagrees with me. I disagree with it. I just can't help it. It's who I am. I feel more alive without it. And when I feel happy it's mega watt happy and sometimes deliriously so; so much I just want to dance : ) For me that nirvana is so intense. I see galloping horses, a volcano erupting, a huge wave battering down on the rocks, that first breath you take when you resurface from deep waters.... I want to see and feel all of those things everyday yet that pill stops it.

True. It stops bad things happening too but I just want to deal with them myself. This is the life I have been given. This is MY life. I should get to choose how I live it. I just want another chance. I'm not that sick. I would know if I was that sick. I have spent last year in and out of the mhu. I think I would know by now what really sick is. It's not me.

Thank-you for your support Kazzl : ) I will be okay I just know it

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) yes. Tapering is what I will do. I honestly can't put myself through another day like yesterday. The vertigo and nausea was bad. I just want another chance. I know what may happen if there is a next time. Not that I'm accepting of it because I wouldn't allow for it. Enforced injections. I just want them to look away and forget me

[Kazzl]

Hi hun - the tapering manoeuvre is the best thing if you're going off the meds. It's hell otherwise, as you know.

I miss my big highs, though I'm plenty happy enough. I don't think I ever got as mega watt happy as you, more a highly excited cheerfulness and desire to play, oblivious to others or circumstance, which probably annoyed the crap out of people if I'm honest. 😄

You should indeed get to choose how you live hun. And it IS your choice about medication. Just live safe eh? You know the score, and you have your lovely partner there for you.

Hey - are you still a keen shopper of second hand fashion? I bought an excellent pair of animal print gumboots today - knee-high, heavy, serious thick soles, and with buckles even. Five dollars. I love them. 😄

Cheers hun - it's so good to have you back.

Kaz

[Simona]

Yes. I keep a look out but kind of lost interest in Ebay. Takes a long time to load and I frustrate badly. I still check out the local thrift stores but nope, nothing. Last thing I bought myself was a superdry baseball long sleeve off their online store. Still a tomboy so there I have not changed : ) Your new purchase sounds pretty funky. And what a bargain for $5! You can't beat that. I can't remember the last bargain I scored really but I know the feeling. It's like a wild cat making a prized killing and dragging it home ha ha

[Kazzl]

Haha, that's exactly what it's like! I even have them currently sitting on my sideboard like a trophy. LOL. I do like people who understand these things. xx

I hope you're having a good day today hun and the withdrawals aren't too bad. Keep us posted eh?

Kaz