In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Simona · ‎22-03-2016

Hello dear friends - The wire art has taken a backseat. Just so many things happening at the moment. The results: the CT scan looks great/normal. EEG which as been sent down to Melb neurology - no results back yet. My bloods - I will be starting 'treatment' in a couple of weeks. Yeah. Excited ( to get well) and petrified at the same time (big pharma). I feel healthy but my labs don't lie. I need to be strong and not give in to paranoia. I need to listen to my specialist and trust. I have to accept some things need more than a diet of berries and nuts and vitamins. And salmon. I need to eat more because my bmi is too low. I have to give this my best shot and let my body heal

Love to all : ) i will write soon again. Thank-you for being here for me : )

ps- My partner and i preen and look after each other and i found a suss looking mole on the back of his ear. He's getting it removed and sent off for biopsy next week so here's to hoping it's just an ugly harmless thing.

Graceeeeee · ‎22-03-2016

Hey dear Simona!!

Just sending you much love and letting you know I'm always thinking of you, how's your beautiful project going? 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

Guest_1055 · ‎23-03-2016

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you. There is no need to reply to me. You are free...no pressure. I hope you are not feeling overwhelmed by all the attention. Take it easy now.

Love

Shelley xx

Starwolf · ‎23-03-2016

Hey Simona,

Sorry to read your wire art project had to be put on the back burner while you're attending to priorities. You're right, if you don't look after yourself everything else falls apart. So well done for taking care of your needs...pharma and all.

Hope both you and your partner recover well.

Guest_5218 · ‎23-03-2016

Hi Simona, and thanks for letting us know how you are doing. Its always nice to hear from you. ( - :

Hey, good news regarding the CT Scan - great, normal, thats the words we like to hear!

Sorry you are having to wait on the results of your EEG tests, as that must be frustrating for you and your Doctor.

And I'm so pleased that you are going to give it your best shot to get your body well again. Sometimes that needs us to rely on some pharmaceutical assistance. I think bmi relates to the liver, is that right? I'm excited for you to get well too Simona. So good on you .............

Well done also on spotting the suspicious looking growth on partners ear. At least he is having it looked at an treated, so hopefully all okay there. My partner has an awful looking black mole on his back which I have been keeping an eye on too. He had it checked about a year ago and they said it was okay, but lately it has become much darker and seems to be growing. I dont like the look of it at all. He has promised me to have it checked again when he gets home for his golf trip in a couple of weeks.

Anyway Simona, I must say that you sound more positive and happy than I have heard you in a while. And I'm really happy to see that.

Much love,

Sherie xx

Bluey_moon · ‎23-03-2016

My dear Simona,

I am so glad you are taking time out to nurture yourself!

My love to you!

Graceeeeee · ‎23-03-2016

Hey dear Simona!

Just read your post from yesterday, sorry your project had to take a backseat, but it's really great your scan looks normal and you are healing yourself!! Very brave 🙂 I hope everything goes well for you and your partner. Sending lots of love to you, let us know how everything goes. Sleep tight tonight, thinking of you!! 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

Simona · ‎24-03-2016

Today I talked of the past for almost 2 hours. I'm sitting here at 8.26pm Thursday night and I feel like I'm being choked slowly. This feeling has been building up since I indulged in dialogue with my avocado this morning and it feels like something is lodged in my throat. I tried coughing it up but nothing comes. It feels like a pip or a furball I'm trying not to get paranoid and depressed. I even got my hair cut after my appoint. It's another new me but I feel like I'm being choked still. Talking about the child in the hood came easily at first. In the past I could only write about myself as a third person when writing a timeline of my life for therapy purposes . I never used "I" until today. I just hope I get through tonight without nightmares/bad stuff because tonight i don't feel so funny

Because I have been feeling suicidal all week in between laughing so much that my rib hurt on one side. I can't help myself. The smallest things have had me laughing so much - some inappropriately/badly timed. There have been some hurt feelings (not mine). I can't help it. Sometimes i just can't contain it. Like there is this person who looks like a strung out Mr Bean when he's trying to concentrate. Well i laughed till i cried. I think i just about wept actually. I tried to apologise 3 times but i gave up after that because they got very irritated and said they are CONCERNED about my mental status and THAT made me laugh so bad i was out of breath and i staggered away like i was drunk . Now I'm ending this post with a smirk :-,

Simona · ‎24-03-2016

( I just want to emphasize I'm not dwelling over the thought of suicide. The ideas in pictures flash in my head but there is no thought to them)

I just want to say it's ok. They are only flash cards

Simona · ‎26-03-2016

Oh Sherie - the bmi is for body mass index. Sorry. I overlooked your q : ) Yeah I'm excited but scared because it's a very new drug. But if it works and I get to grow old OLD then I imagine I would be like Maude from Harold & Maude. Because I don't think you should ever really grow up. I think too many old people become jaded or pompous and stop laughing/marvelling at the simple things in life.

I think if you want to pretend to be say....a bird and move your arms like wings for the hell of it - you should. Except you shouldn't try to fly. Obviously.