In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!

Glad to hear that you went on a photography adventure, sounds really exciting 😉 And hang in there until you see the nurse again! She seems to be able to help you 🙂 And I know what you mean by sometimes it's just acutely tormenting, I couldn't sleep last night so I cried, it is just frustrating sometimes isn't it, so good luck to you my dear Simona, I'm sure you can get through this, because no matter what we will be here for you.

And Starwolf, I really liked that metaphor about how a good plot "keeps us on the edge of our seat", that is so true isn't it, only because it's intense do we get so excited, and that's what life is, it is the beauty of living life with so many emotions, then you find your life is like a movie and it's a masterpiece 😉

Take care Starwolf and Simona!! My love and thoughts are with you, let me know if anything comes up xx

With so much love to you,

Grace xx

[Bluey_moon]

Hey Simona, do you mind if o ask you some questions, please feel to not answer any of you don't want to. 

Simona when you hear things are they talking to you or about you? Or is it just like over hearing a conversation? 

How old are you? 

How long have you felt the way you have? 

Sorry to ask so much? 

[Simona]

Hello Bluey

listen to your mental health team.   I understand you are stressing.  I'm profoundly sorry for your emotional distress.  But I'm in no position to alleviate your anxiety without triggering myself.  I care for you Skye - please understand. 

You are in my thoughts : )

[Bluey_moon]

Simona my dear, 

I had no right to ask you those questions at all and I am profoundly so very sorry. 

I would never want to trigger anything for you ever! I too care about you. 

Deep down I trust my mental health team and know they are right. I just had a bad day. I have been told repeatedly that I need to not seek reassurance and need to reassure myself! 

Simona please know how very very sorry I am! 

Skye

[Graceeeeee]

Hey dear Simona!

Today at work (Domino's) someone called Simona came to order a pizza, and I immediately thought of you, and she is nice just like you. Anyways, just a random thought, hope you are going well tonight my dear friend, tell us if anything comes up in your beautiful mind. Always good to hear from you! Have a smooth night, you deserve it 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

It's ok : )   Please don't think for one moment you have offended me.  Not the case at all. I was simply protecting the both of us.   Last thing I want for you is to go to bed tonight feeling bad.    So here is a virtual hug to display my acceptance of your very very very sorries:       (HUG)    There you go  : )  you get a gentle pat on the back too.     This is a big deal for me and a rare event.  Try to relax now ok. 

[Bluey_moon]

Thank you Simona for being so sweet! Thank you for the hug and pat on the back! Sorry I didn't respond til now, you message only recently come through. 

It is a habit of mine when I get stuff stuck in my head to seek answers. I have trouble accepting that anxiety can cause all this. Because I become so obbsessed I ask so many questions, and I didn't regard your feelings. Please don't feel you have to protect me, nothing you can say is worse than I imagine every day. But by all means protect yourself!!  And I will try not to ever ask more than you can safetly give. 

I just have to trust in the professionals! If they say I have Ocd and anxiety than that's what I have. 

My obsession to find answers stems from the need to protect my children, I can't even remember what first made me think I was scizophrenic, but over time I convinced myself I had all these symptoms. I just have to beleive my mental health team has it right! 

My love to you my dear, and again I'm sorry I made an already hard day harder! 

[Graceeeeee]

Hi dear Skye!

Please don't blame yourself, as Simona says, I know that she knows you will never offend her 🙂

And I guess we do tend to seek for the answer, especially when you have anxiety, I have that too at times and I try to manage it, so I totally understand 🙂

Please go easy and gentle on yourself dear Skye as you have a very sensitive, gentle and big heart towards others too, you are a great source of strength for all of us!

With Love,

Grace xx

[Bluey_moon]

My dear Graceee, you literally make me tear up. You have a knack for reading people. You are kind and generous with your time and encouragement! 

You have a heart of gold and are wise beyond your years. 

Thank you

[Bluey_moon]

Sending you love Simona xo