In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

: )   Hello Grace Hello Sherie and anyone else reading

Well.  It went good.  I spoke very kindly and told them exactly what I posted here and I gave them the boxes and the lady said but you need them .  I said to the lady it's not personal. The boxes make me edgy and I just had to get them out of the house.   Before I left for my appointment I decided to leave them at home.  I didn't want them to think I actually had them here in my possession and I got worried that if I took them in with me they would try to make me take one/talk me into it by words of persuasion.

So I left boxes on my bed and drove off but I began feeling very edgy about it.  So I changed my mind and drove back for them.    It's been a draining day and my head is starting to hurt.  Tomorrow is the CT. Then I have to drive a long way in a couple of weeks for an EEG.  Early next week I have to see my psychiatrist. That will be my 2nd meeting.

I hope his Dictaphone has been fixed

Love to all  : )

Ps;    Sherie - the Centrelink people got me into a meditation course once.   We had to sit on the floor with legs crossed doing an OMMMM sound.    I didn't like that. I didn't make that sound

[Graceeeeee]

Hey dear Simona!!

It's so amazing how strong you are, going through all this, and I'm so so glad that it all went well!! What a beautiful person you are 🙂 How did the CT go? Also, I hope the psychiatrist meeting goes all smoothly for you!!

I'm sorry to hear that it has been a draining day for you my friend, try to get some rest today xx You are making so much progress and doing so well! My love and thoughts are always with you, keep doing what you're doing, you're a legend!! ❤️

With so much love to you, ❤️ ❤️

Grace xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

These past 10 years must feel to you like a life sentence. I agree with you that taking this punishment without having committed a crime seems unfair. Bad things do happen to the best of us. I respect your inner strength and courage.

Having to go it alone doesn't help at all. Sometimes, people who are supposedly our nearest and dearest can show little sensitivity to our own needs. Sometimes, plain ignorance is the culprit. I hope that -somewhere along the line- your husband will be offered the chance to learn about the true nature of your turmoil and also what he could do to help ease the pain. When lack of knowledge concerns something/someone too close to home, info is usually better accepted if it comes from outsiders.

Feeling unsupported is harsh. I am personally grateful that I could put half the planet between myself and negative familial influence. I can relate to the thoughts you're having...

Having your 17 years old' support is a precious asset. Considering his young age, it shows great inner qualities. He must be a very interesting young man. You are both lucky to have each other.

There's a lot happening in your life right now. Hopefully some of it will have a positive impact not too far down the track. Hang in there Simona, we're all here for you.

And thanks again for your contribution here.

[Simona]

Hello Grace   : )

I don't know about being strong . I'm partly co-operating because i was given a gentile warning of what is to come if i don't : they will unleash an army of mental health professionals known to me and have some kind of boardroom meeting to decide the next step (myfate).   Of course it was worded very politely.

I'm living MY version of normal which is the only life i know.   And if that 'normal' is mental illness - then it has kept me alive by allowing me the freedom to at least mentally escape the physical bondage of life to some degree. 

The CT was quick but I won't know the results for a few days.  There was a washing machine sound and bright light.  I closed my eyes as I was raised upwards.  I imagined I was inside a UFO.

At home things still squirm and slide in my head late at night.  But I don't want to talk of all that anymore. I feel that since I have point blank refused the elixir for my madness I should forfeit the public moaning and despairing and take it on the chin.    Because there's nothing quite so pathetic than an adult cry-baby who brays like an obstinate ass despite being offered help.

Always with Love

Simona  

[Simona]

Hello Starwolf  : )

Yes. I'm so tired and chiselled to the bone.  My 17 year old is my best friend as I his because he has no friends here either.   We go out to the art gallery and to our café and I watch him eat and we talk about science and the music he's been creating.  He and I are very similar in how we see the world. We relate to one another a lot and finish one another's sentences often

Thank-you for your support Starwolf  : )    I will tell you a little story. Once upon a time I too had lived with dogs. They were mangy tick infested and  feral.   I was a child  and they were my 'friends' but they growled at anyone who went near me because I was part of their pack : ).  I picked the ticks off them and they liked that attention except I got a tick in the neck and mum had to pull it out carefully that night while I slept. I was lucky not to get that illness.

This was in Italy.   Mum and dad were into drinking and they were very unhappy. My brother was a toddler. I roamed around with them; Doberman X's, German Shepherd, Golden Retriever and few other mixed breeds.  I loved them all.  They ate left overs torn from rubbish bags and the stray cats they hunted down. Or food I stole. I thought I was a dog too then and I chewed on discarded bones with them and had glass bottle thrown at me by a man. I know it sounds gross but I didn't know it was wrong to do that.  I needed to be de-wormed when I arrived in Australia .

Well there you go - I love dogs : )

[Simona]

Prelude to my last post (may yet to surface)  - I was living in the Latina Refuge Camp.     People would bring their animals only to have to leave them behind hence the camp was over-run with dogs

[Graceeeeee]

Hey dear Simona!! 🙂

I think that even if you don't see it, you are still such a strong woman. At days when it's really bad, I just don't feel like keep trying, and yet you go through all the things that might seem scary, and you lighten it up with your beautiful sense of humour, imagining you're inside an UFO 😉

And I don't think you are a 'cry baby', it is normal to hurt and let it out, we all need to let that wound breathe so then it can heal, you are beautiful Simona, and we are all here with you, even when it feels like you are going through hell. I love you and am here always, always, to listen to you, you have a beautiful heart Simona 🙂

Take care my dear friend!! Keep us updated on your life whenever you want to, and your beautiful sense of humour is appreciated , it always lighten things us up 😉

With so much love to you, ❤️

Grace xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

Your son sounds like a beautiful old soul. No wonder he has trouble relating to the average self-centered teenager.  You 2 must be a great source of comfort and inspiration to each other. The connection you have is a privilege. I am sure many teenager's parents would be envious ! I find myself wondering what kind of music he is into...

Well how about that....I too grew up in a dysfunctional environment. I suffered a lot of violence, both physical and emotional, at my mother's hands. I was constantly under threat of losing my life (and almost did). My only solace were the family dogs, who brought me up more and certainly a lot better than my parents did. I would spend hours curled up in their kennels, hoping not to be found. One day, one of those dogs attacked my mother when she was beating me up...the next day he was taken away to be put down.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. K9s have definitely got it all over humans when it comes to sensitivity to needy people, particularly children. That's why they're such terrific therapy /assistance companions.

It sound like your childhood was a bit of a rough trot too. I have no experience of refuge camps but they're obviously no ideal environment to grow up in. How long did your family live there ?

Sorry about the questions, they don't have to be answered. Naturally, when you come across a beautiful personality, you enjoy making a connection.

And yes, when it comes to the system politely trying to assume charge...I hear you. All considered, you are doing well, trying to keep it all together and in YOUR control.

My wish for you is that your scan results will be what you're hoping for. For a start. Till then...please take care.

[Graceeeeee]

Hi dear Starwolf!

You story is beautiful, and it is the first time I've heard it and it really shook me 🙂 What a strong and beautiful person you are!! You inspire me a lot, and yes definitely when you come across a beautiful soul you enjoy making a connection, so thank you so much for sharing 🙂

Have a good afternoon dear Starwolf!!

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

A most sincere thank-you Starwolf.    I'm profoundly touched by your warmness and openness.  I appreciate you.   You come across as a truly GOOD person.  Good and strong.   You survived and stepped forth into the light.

My family and I lived at the camp for a month.  

See, i had seen bad things and had bad things done unto me since aged 5. But this did not make me a good person or a better person.  It made ME bad and i hurt others.  Why?    I don't know. I just did.  I felt nothing about it. My parents thought they could beat remorse into me when i made a grown man cry at aged 13.   I thought i had powers

Being asked ' Just who do you think you are'?   and me staring back in mutiny.  Sometimes i just go blank even now when being asked about my feelings.    I like being in control. That is a feeling i can talk about.

I think my children are teaching me about love and what it is to truly love.  My children and animals : )