In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Simona]

Hello Grace!

Thank-you.  Yes; I know she means well.   She just assumes the worst with me. I regret telling her some things and I thought she could handle it.

Well I'm not so mouthy tonight - tomorrow is my big mental health assessment.   I have been getting ready for it like getting ready for a big lunch date/holiday.   Because, if you look great, you feel great - good impressions and all that.     So yeah, I have been pampering and anointing myself this evening.   Pretty nervous but hey; I'm as ready as i'll  ever be : D x100

Love,

Simona

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona,

I hope your mental health assessment goes well today.  I'm sure you would have been looking great.  It does give us all a boost when we know we are looking good.  I totally agree with you.

Have a good day Simona and I will be thinking of you.

Love from

Sherie xx

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear friend Simona!!

Oh that's so exciting to hear about your assessment!! And I'm so proud of you for getting ready and preparing for that, so how did it go? I'm sure it went smooth because you have so much strength in you, you are a legend!! How have you been the past two days? So glad to see you being positive, and I agree, I'm sure your mom means well too ❤️ Keep being the just the way you are legend!! Keep us updated too, honoured to have someone as strong as you as a friend XP

Take care Simona!! So much love to you and your family!!

With Love,

Grace xxx

[Simona]

: (

They want me to start medication tonight.   Blood tests and CT scan to check if my ego has possibly developed into a tumour.  HA HA.  They rang partner up to check if i'm fit to go home and he said yes .  The medication is sitting here in boxes and i looked it up.  It's some serious stuff.   I don't know why I even got the script filled.  The paranoia has my hands bound.  Yesterday i was lying down while partner was cooking.  He came in and told me of all the different coloured vegies he'll be dishing up and how it will do me good and maybe he'll get lucky.   And all i did was softly say to him that i know I'm going to die soon.    Now i know this reads like some painful B grade melodrama but this has been my mournful pain the lamenting for weeks/months now.   I want somebody to pull a bag over my head and shove me in the closet 

Thank-you Sherie & Grace for thinking of me.   I sure wish i didn't think of myself so much though. 

[Guest_5218]

Morning Simona,

Thankyou for your update on how you got along yesterday.  Its great to see that your wonderful sense of humour is still intact.  Way good!

So they have put you on some medication?  Thats a good thing I think Simona.  I have just re-started on medication myself a couple of days ago for anxiety.  I resisted doing it for a long time, but in the end I know I need it right now.  I have not been coping very well and have been struggling with everything it seems.  I dont intend staying on it, but I am taking it now just to get me through a really tough time right now.

I think you also need to accept that perhaps medication is the right thing for you right now.  Why dont you take it and just see how it goes?  I am sure it will help you to overcome these bad feelings you have been getting and the melancholia you feel.

So tell me Simona, did you take your medication last night?

And yes Simona, I am thinking of you and willing you to get better.  To feel happy again.  And if you can do that, then you will stop thinking about yourself so much.  You will only have happy thoughts.

With love,

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hi Simona,

Egos turning into tumors ? Good one...thanks for the laugh. I hope your CT scan results will ease some of your concerns.

Getting your prescription filled was a good idea. It will be at hand if you decide to take it. Sherie is right...medication doesn't necessarily need to be a long-term prop.

Please let us know how you go with your scan and test results. We can't be there with you but please remember we're here for you.

[Simona]

Hey Sherie : )     well I'm going to try and cut a deal with them.  I promise my bestest to behave and to show this I have even agreed to allow a person to visit me once or twice a week which is a HUGE deal for me.  This medication is a poison to me.  I will be civilized and diplomatic and tell them tomorrow.   I expect some upset but they can't force it on me. Appartently a common side affect can be weight gain.  
Now I'm not a vain person but I do have healthy self esteem and yes my body is indeed my temple which is why I don't mutilate myself or pollute myself with drugs/alcohol/MSG .   

Also, relinquishing control is not in my psyche regardless of my distrust in big pharma.  Control is a big thing for me.  I will try to learn to meditate I think.  And I'm willing to even give up coffee.   In any case I don't even understand why it has come this far.   I'm not violent. I'm not a nuisance. I can say stuff but it doesn't mean I MEAN everything I say.  

[Simona]

Hello Starwolf : )      Thank -you : )

Aha. Yep. I will stay in touch unless 1. They make me relax in the hospital or 2. Internet dips out.  Today I gave my blood for them and tomorrow maybe the CT of my brain and the boxes of medicines.  These are my offerings to show my co-operation. 

I did ask yesterday if I can just take it and stop when I feel better but I was told 'No you must stay on it until we say otherwise'.    So I feel much better today.  I felt better as soon as I understood what is in the boxes and what it does to the human body. Now I feel really fine.   Normal infact.  

[Graceeeeee]

Hey dear Simona!!

Glad to hear you've got your assessment done, and great sense of humour you've got 😉 I'm sorry to hear that you still feel bad, but hey, I agree with Sherie and Starwolf, give the meds a go, I believe it's worth to give it a chance,  I think you will definitely get better ❤️

You are a beautiful soul with an awesome sense of humour, so much love to you, you are a valuable part of this community, and it is understandable to be thinking of yourself when you're in pain Simona, so no worries at all, we know you are a good person, and it's good that you know yourself too ❤️ 😄

Keep us updated on how you go with the meds!! So so much love to you and your family my dear friend! I am glad to have you here xx Big hugs, love and thoughts are with you ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

With Love,

Grace xxx

[Guest_5218]

Good afternoon to you Simona.  Have you been doing any fun thinks this fine hot day?  Its been too hot here to be doing much at all, but I hope its better where you are.  

Ahhh, so you've cut a deal with them.  Allowing them to visit you once or twice a week is a big deal for you Simona, so well done.  

I know it isnt nice to put some foreign substance such as medication into your body, but sometimes it is necessary, even if only for a while.  I really hope you can see past that major roadblock for you.  

It is a fantastic thing that you do not stuff up your body with things like drugs, alcohol, MSG - and yes, even caffeine.  

Of course you need to have some control over what your treatments are, and its very important that you are a part of deciding the treatment process.  But it does sound like they are allowing you that Simona, because you have 'cut a deal' with them.  That shows that you are a part of the decision process, and thus have control.

Anyway I am glad that your latest post says that you are feeling a lot better, in fact normal.   ( - :  

You are a lovely warm and gentle soul Simona.  I am sure that meditation would fit you like a glove.  Perhaps also Yoga could be good for you?

I look forward to hearing about further progess Simona.  

Love to you,

Sherie xx