I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Oh my goodness my good friend, please don't be sorry, you need to look after yourself first and I know how hard things have been for you. You have nothing to apologise for. I soooooooo appreciate your post beautiful. Thank you . If only I were there to give you the hug you so much need too Grandy.

I don't know Grandy, I'm so confused at the moment. It's too hard so I do what I do best and put it aside. It's not really helping myself I know. I don't really have a good relationship with my gp she just palms me off to my psychiatrist when it comes to meds as she doesn't feel comfortable which I guess I can appreciate. It does stop me from opening up to her so most of the time i dont bother. I know I need to do something though - I'm feeling angrier and angrier every day which makes me hate me more.

There would be a river of tears if we/all of us met hey Grandy. Oh what a feeling that would be! ! !

Try not to feel scared Grandy. It must be so hard not to though. When you do, jump on here and hopefully you will be comforted by reading all our posts. I wish you weren't sad or lonely either Grandy. I do hope you start your way back up real soon Grandy - in your own time though. And please concentrate on your self care.

How cool would it be to meet on that grassy bank drinking real chocolate.

Love and care for you too Grandy. Thanks so much for posting when you are also struggling. I do hope you have been able to rest/sleep.

Take care good care beautiful lady. Xxoo

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Nat,

Thank you so much for your post. Of course it is ok, in all honesty, I like that you posted.

My biggest problem at the moment is trying decide if I want to help myself. I don't think I want to. I don't see the point in doing so. But at the same time I'm hurting so bad. I'm feeling angrier and angrier every day that I'm scared something will give. As you said quality of life is poor.

Thank you for sharing your friends story. Maybe there is hope???

I read your thread on loneliness. To be completely honest - I don't think I would have anything positive to contribute - I'm so sorry. I have tried it all. I've volunteered, joined a dragon boat team, gone to meet ups, did 2 terms of Spanish dancing. I'm not good at anything and I feel I have nothing in common with people. I know how much this sounds like me feeling sorry for myself and I know I am. I can't help it though.

Lately I've been thinking I may need to go back to working in an aged care facility as opposed to doing in home care as its turning out to be a bit isolating. The more I think about it, the more I would prefer to. My daily interactions are only with my clients. The rest of my day is driving to and from clients. I rarely need to speak to my team leader throughout the whole week and I only see colleagues at a fortnightly team meeting. I've registered with online employment - so I'm keeping an eye out for other work.

Thank you for thinking of me with your thread. It means alot to me. Maybe I could suggest to others what I have tried.

I hope you are keeping well Nat and that you had a good weekend with your family.

Hope to talk again soon.

Lee xx

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Croix

Thank you so much for your post and for sharing with me the things you love.

Please accept my apologies for not replying sooner. I fell asleep early last night and have had a full day today. So sorry Croix.

No, I don't mind at all you talking of your menagerie. My burmese cat Iszy, is my world. She is what keeps me going. At the moment, I seem to have more time for animals than most people (offline). Animals melt my heart.

There is something that I guess takes me to a different place and that is watching documentaries. Total opposite to you Croix, I like to watch documentaries because they are based on facts and aren't, in my mind, fake. When I'm in dire need of a distraction , I search for docos to watch.

Croix, do you mind me asking, what do you think turned around for you, to not have the suicidal thoughts? Please only reply if you're ok to.

Hope you are keeping warm Croix.

You're post is very much appreciated.

Lee

[Ggrand]

Lovely Lee lee ,

im just calling in to day to say I hope you have a good day..and let you know you are someone special. I’m sending you a little piece of my heart to show you,💚 you are loved..a rainbow, 🌈 so your hope increases today a sun ☀️ To always believe in yourself and an elephant 🐘..so you will never forget, and always remember that you are someone special....to me👼....and I know also to others.

Love sand hugs...dear friend.. oh and a beautiful rose for beautiful Lee..xx

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

…..you always make me smile.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are special to me Grandy. When I'm feeling down I often think of you and hope you aren't as well.

I hope you had a better day today..

All my love, biggest hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Lee (on laptop)

[Croix]

Dear Lee~

You have some lovely people here who care about you and I see you are a person that returns that care, and have concern for them too. I could not really add to what the said, so I tried to paint a picture of the safe place I was inside (I saw your cat which gave me the idea).

I'm really pleased you came back and talked about my post and that it stuck a chord. Sometimes when a person is really hurting the standard words of comfort can bounce off -at least they can with me. All that's left is human contact, no words to fix thing, no suggestions, no ideas, just being with another, and that is what I tried to share with you.

As for films and movies, it might sound silly but I need escape, and fiction and fantasy in books and movies provide it. Being a policeman allowed me to see more things than I wanted, so it's a refuge. Probably not therapeutically sound, but it seems to work.

What turned me around? -a difficult question with no one reason. I'll try to give you an honest answer. To start of with suicidal thoughts - at least in my case - do not simply vanish, never to return. They loose power. When they occur I recognize them, remember that I have coping skills, I've been there before, they pass, and the escape they offer is not needed. I think I'm stronger than them now, not in any danger.

How did I reach this stage? Well time and practice is a big thing, so has been outside help. If I had continued to try to soldier on all by myself I'd not be here. I've had all sorts of meds, some have been more effective than others, being in hospital has really helped. For me pressure is what triggers these thoughts, and being in a ward separated me from life and pressure.

Therapy (ongoing) helps me see things in perspective, which reduces pressure too.

Is that enough to be getting on with? What helps you? (I can always learn)

Croix

[Lee lee 73]

Hi ya Croix,

Thanks so much for replying once again - thank you for being here, I agree in that it's good just to be in the company of another when we're hurting.

You are so right when you say the s thoughts don't just simply vanish. It's interesting how, on a good day, I am sometimes able to oppose those thoughts. If only the good days out weighed the bad. At the moment, it feels like nothing is working for me - in terms of getting past those thoughts- that's why I was curious to see what worked for you. I can't see a reason to constantly challenge them. My gorgeous cat Iszy is the only reason I'm still here. Yet, I'm still not able to want to challenge those thoughts????? I have decided to recommence seeing a psychologist though...

Croix, after being a policeman, I can totally understand your interest in fiction and fantasy. So glad you're not 'in any danger' from your thoughts Croix. It's a credit to you. I have huge respect for you Croix.

Lee

[Croix]

Dear Lee~

You are the same you on the bad days, with the same strengthens and victories under your belt. Trying to remember that when those thoughts build up is sometimes almost impossible. At least for me part of those thoughts is pain, what shortfalls and faults are in me, what I've done or can't do, part circumstances, consequences, what might happen. There's more of course but that will do.

On thing I try to do is break the chain, miss the point, go elsewhere. I've a safe place in my mind, it came from my childhood and is an isolated windy place beside the sea. There are grey waves, gulls crying, maybe rain.

It is always there, after all these years it has so much detail, particular stones and tussocks are familiar. I face the wind. it helps.

So what place can you re-construct, one with movement, that evokes a time of calm happiness, maybe even anticipation?

Izzy, like Sumo, is something to cherish. Glad you are going back to a psych, the more things you try the more chance things will improve.

Croix

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Croix,

It's admirable in that you are able to take yourself to your special in your mind and knowing when to go there. Imagination is not my strong point. I'm a self confessed pessimist Croix. But, the beach is my happy place - I make sure I go there when I'm feeling my worst.

It is raining today and I'm feeling comforted by Iszy's snuggles. Iszy and Sumo are very precious. I sincerely hope you can keep the black dog at bay Croix. I realise it is hard work - I admire you for working at it.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. Stay well.

Lee

[Croix]

Dear Lee~

I don't know about admirable - more like self defense:) I'm glad you have the beach.

If imaginaton does not always serve I can suggest an alternative. There is a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind which I've found does a reasonable job in two areas. It can sometimes break up continuous spirals of anxious or hopeless thoughts and it can also be used on a daily basis as one aspect of a lifestyle to reduce stress.

Like everything it is no magic answer, and does take practice (I also switch the background music off). However I've relied upon it in difficult times and it has helped.

YMMV of course

Croix (Sumo is 'busy' elsewhere)