I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Dools,

Thank you for taking the time to post. I have to be honest, I'm not quite sure what your main point behind your message was ? I do do things to help myself which I'm thinking I will explain in detail another time. I am a caring and giving person (that was hard for me to write). So it's not like I'm selfish and wait for things/people to come a knocking. Please know this is not written in anger, more that I'm just wanting to understand? I look forward to your response dools!

I do hope you're foot heals fast.

Cheers

Lee

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Im just calling in to say hello and I'm hoping your day was okay....please lovel

[Ggrand]

Hello dearest Lee,

How are you doing today beautiful sweet Lee..

Im just going to sit quietly with you tonight if that's okay. Please know that I care about you and am here if you want to talk.,,

I hope you and adorable cuddly Iszy have a good sleep tonight keeping each other nice and warm...and I'm wishing that tomorrow you have some light shining onto you lovely friend...

Live and hugs..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

......oh Grandy 😢😢😢😢😢😢

Thinking of you too lovely lady.

I will write soon -so sorry.

Sending you warm hugs and hoping you're ok ❤💜

Lee

[Ggrand]

Dearest lovely Lee,

Awee sweetheart, 💜 it's okay, only when you can talk....please don't push yourself 💜..Just know my dear friend that I am usually not to far away from these forums,

If your little emoji is what your feeling today, I'm so very sorry..Please try to distract your sadness by..I know a beautiful short musical, put your earplugs in google "Leo Rojas..Der einsame hirte"...turn it up loud ish sit down close your eyes and listen with all your heart, soul and mind...please sweetheart give it a try..it's only a few minute song but oh so peaceful..🕊👼🌹..I care deeply for you dear friend, please be okay...

Rest tonight lovely lee with Iszy...Try for an early night maybe...sleep well dear friend, with beautiful dreams..

Love and hugs..🤗💜..

Grandy...l

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee.

Its okay honey, no need to answer, I'm just calling in to let you know that I'm sitting quietly with you tonight..I really hope that you feeling better then yesterday...

Sending you some 🌹🌹🌹 full of fragrance to help you sleep...

I hope you and Iszy are okay....💜🌹🕊..

Love and hugs dear friend..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

My apologies lovely lady, I only just now have seen your post from last night. I will google the song...thank you 🎶🎵.

I'm feeling better this evening. Yesterday I had my 2nd treatment of the trial. I was feeling low pre treatment and yesterday's treatment made me feel much worse. It is all part of the trial - dosages and individual responses. My adorable Iszy nursed me and I could sense your caring thoughts. The despair just never seems to go.....

Thank you so so much for sitting with me and for caring Grandy ❤. I read Demonblasters post - I agree, if only you held the same love for yourself as we do for you. My goodness Grandy, you deserve to be loved and cared for. ..and more. I hope that one day you will allow me to make you a cup of tea 🍵🍰.

Grandy, I managed to get to the beach this afternoon. I was lying there and this gorgeous puppy - think it was a kelpie, came running up to me and starting licking me to death...it was so so cute......I automatically thought "I must share this with Grandy". 🐶❤.

I sincerely hope you are ok lovely lady. I read your thread to see how you are. I sooo love that you feed joey and mamma. How are your doggies? What funny antics have they been up to? What are your favorite qualities about each of them Grandy?

Let me know your thoughts and feelings beautiful lady. You are in my thoughts often. 😙😙🍵🐶😻

I hope you are sleeping well.

Take good care and lots of deserved self care 🤗🤗🤗🤗

Warm hugs Grandy

Lee

[Doolhof]

Hi Lee,

I certainly had no intention at all in my message to insinuate in any way that you are not helping your self. I was trying to share my understanding of mental health issues and how my own problems make me feel so you would understand others too suffer.

There are times when mental health issues make it difficult for us to be able to help ourselves. Connecting with people here on the forum can help with that.

I was trying to point out that I understand there are times when it is not possible to help ourselves much due to the way we are feeling.

This does not imply in any way that I think anyone who does not cope is weak. If that was the case, I would be a very weak person indeed.

It seems my words were inadequate to express my concern for how you are feeling.

Cheers from Dools

[Lee lee 73]

Hi Dools,

Thank you for your time and your response.

I'm just struggling soooooo much with all the feelings that comes with depression including anger sadness. ..that at times I feel the whole world is against me. I sometimes struggle to hold this in. I want you to know how much I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I have so many battles going on in my head, I feel like I'm about to explode 😢😢😣😣. I don't know what to do anymore.

I desperately want to talk to my psychologist but I tell myself after 10yrs - I shouldn't need to and that I'm the only pathetic person that has to pay someone to talk to. I'm just dying here. So sorry Dools. I'm just feeling such despair - hopelessness and not worthy of anything. ...

I do appreciate you may also be struggling. I'm sincerely sorry for that. I do hope you are able to have a good day.

Thanks again for responding Dools 💐

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello sweet Lee lee,

I just thought I would pop in before I started your suggested sleep therapy.

Lee I’m so very sorry your struggling so terribly hard.. I wish I could jump through the screen and just sit quietly with you,,,while you rest your head on my shoulders and I’ll wipe away your tears....it’s so very hard isn’t sweetheart to fight our own self for some peace...

Please believe me Lee, You are not pathetic, and not hopeless, and you are so worthy....you have been so helpful to me, and to me and the others your talking to your worth so very much, the elderly you care for, you help them, you talk to them, give them some gentle care, that’s a job not many can do, your a special person Lee, you have a good heart, your gold..☺️...

My issues are so bad and I have so much trauma stuck up in my head, that my psychologist, keeps cancelling my appointments, since I’ve not been speaking to one, I’m beginning to get triggered more often and go down in a split sec also my thoughts are mainly negatives....They are working on getting me a new psychologist but I will have to travel 180 kilometres round trip......It’s important that we have someone to talk to to release our pent up trauma...it doesn’t matter how long you need to talk to some one (psychologist)..as long as it’s helping us to release some of our pain it’s good...I talk her sometimes when I get scared of my thoughts...Lee you can talk here if you want, and only what you want to say...maybe others insight can help you...No pressure sweetheart just trying to help you....

Lee.. you are worth so much to me and others ...I love and care for my friends a lot and you are my friend....Please be okay Lee lee your very important to me.... I’m holding your 🤚 hand and won’t let go until your strong enough on your own,mit doesn’t matter how long it takes....baby steps.....and we will get their...

Love and big hugs..💜💜🤗🤗🤗💜🤗...and Peace 🕊🕊🕊🕊...

Grandy...🐕🐶..🐈🐱...

Oh I meant to ask you if that’s okay...what colour is your adorable Iszy?