I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Tess2]

Dear Lee and Grandy,

Thank you for your replies, but I would like to reassure you that there have been no tears and I really regret saying anything about it on this forum. I should not have done that . It has caused distress to another party, who I value greatly. I have learnt to not “cross” the forums on issues. There was no intent to cause hurt by the remark, and was made by someone who’s opinions I value and I need to reflect t on.

tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

I've tried online dating many times before. It doesn't seem to work for me (obviously. ..😂) and at times it has almost put me off men because they can and do say anything but .... I don't know, I do hear positive outcomes and so I guess I hold on to that. Cyclone Oma may stop me from going to park run on Saturday...😣😣🤔🤔.

Omg Grandy guess what, I went to visit Zac again the other day. ..I was in kitty heaven 🤗🤗😍😍. I'm hopefully bringing him home on 8th March 🤗🤗😍😍. I do hope Iszy will be ok with him and vice versa. I don't want to hurt my Iszy, my baby girl.

My mood is still pretty good. I do have to still work at it ie exercise and eating good but so far so good. Especially given this time of year is not the best for me. I know March isn't good for you Grandy. I've just been trying to live in the here and now...

Grandy, I do hope you are going ok, better than ok. Sending you and Tess comforting hugs.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Awe I bet you Zac is so cute...I love animals so much, but when there babies they are super cute...I could imagine you feeling like you were in kitty heaven, they are soooo cute...I’m sure Izsy will love him and nurture him like his mummy....I’m so excited for you..🙃..Not long now...Not sure if you told me what his colours are...sorry if you did🙇‍♀️..

Theres a couple in town, she met him through online dating she lives all the way out here he lived at manly, over 400kilometres away, they met about 8/years ago and have married and he moved out here...it can work..and has..I hope so hard that it works for you sweety..We never know until we try...Just enjoy the ride and maybe you will meet your soulmate along the way...

I can’t seem to stay in a stable mood unless it’s meh...but I do get spurts of feeling good, and even have a giggle with Betty sometimes...So I’m doing okay thank you very much for saying....

I’m pleased to hear your mood is still good, I think it’s ongoing for us to be always working at our health through food exercise etc...well done for you constantly trying...I try but im easily side tracked 😁...I have a sweet tooth.🍰🍫🍮

I hope you have a nice night tonight and a really lovely week end..please stay safe if the cyclone heads into your area...

Love to you and hugs..💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

You said it right, I love animals but baby ones are super cute. Extra extra heart warming 🤗🤗. Zac is what is known as a chocolate colour with tints of dark amongst light. Iszy is dark brown.

I had a good weekend thank you Grandy. I walked the park run again on Saturday morning and today I went for a bike ride before watching the wild waves at the beach. In between I relished in Iszy's company. 😻😻. Ohhhh and I also dyed my hair to hide the greys, waxed my facial hair myself ....ouchyyyy 😂😂...it's a bit patchy though 🙊.

Grandy, I'm glad that sometimes you are able to have a giggle with Betty. I understand it's not a lot but it makes me happy knowing there are times you are able to have a giggle. I know Kya Ebony make you smile too. How are they going?

Lovely Grandy, I am very partial to chocolate too...and scotch finger biscuits 🍫🍬🍫🍪. 😊😊.

Thank you for your encouragement to online dating Grandy. I must admit, I'm not trying as hard as I ought to but that's ok.

I keepmeaning to tell you, I tried the alphabety game. I didn't really understand how to play it but I found an online scrabble game - words with friends. It's really good - it gets my brain thinking.

I hope you are well my dear friend. Let me know how you're thinking and feeling beautiful lady. ..you are in my thoughts often.

Sending you warm hugs 🤗🤗 and happy thoughts 🌞🌞☄☄.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Counting down Lovely lady..4 more days until you bring your new fur baby home to his forever home...You must be so very excited...I know I am for you...What a lovely pair they will be...similar colourings..

Well done dying your hair, I used to but don’t any more, I’m a natural blonde and the grey that’s coming through is actually a nice colour, it’s not white it’s more like a very pale blonde...Ouchyyyyyyy waxing I’ve never tried but I do believe it hurts a lot..I have some facial hair but being blonde it doesn’t stand out that much so I’m leaving it alone...

I feel that if you just go along and enjoy your time with the internet dating and don’t take it too serious, I mean just enjoy your time out without expectations maybe something will come out of it....I hope so hun, that it works for you...

Ill try words with friends and see how I go...thank you for your suggestion..I like word games...

Thank you for your kind posts to me on mine..I really appreciate your care and beautiful words so much...

Not sure what else to say, but I needed to call in to see how your travelling and feeling dear friend..and say thank you for being the beautiful caring person you are..I’m lucky to have gotten to know you..

I hope you have a good night with peaceful dreams..

Love and hugs dear Lee..💜🤗..

Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Hello Dearest Lovely Lee,

Tomorrow is a big day for you, Izsy and baby Zac..

I hope so much that everything works out for your beautiful new littlevfur family...

How are you feeling today lovely lady , it’s been a while since you talked on here and I’m getting concerned that you are not doing too well...RUOK dear friend?..

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and sending you my love with some caring hugs...💜💜🤗🤗🤗..

Hoping to hear from you soon so I know how your doing..but no pressure lovely friend....I’m sitting quietly next to you dear Lee..keeping an 👀 out for you as well as 👂 for you...holding your hand beautiful lady..

Love and hugs.💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

Thank you for your always caring posts. I'm still going good....but I'd still love for you to be sitting with me 😊🤗🙊....

Yes, One more sleep until zac. I pick him up at 10am tomorrow . I'm so excited Grandy. .still anxious but will play it all by ear. This afternoon i was busy getting his room ready and assembling a cat gym which I'm hoping they can both play on. It has also has 2 resting pods 😊.

This morning I had my clinical trial treatment. I think my body must be getting use to the medication because it doesn't affect me as much as it use to - the immediate after affects I mean.

I had a 2hr job interview yesterday. It wasn't as bad as it sounds - a one on one interview plus a group interview. I think I did ok Grandy 🤔🤔. It's for a brand new facility that is opening up next month. The company has a good reputation so that's kind of good to know.

I've been having a lot of one on one time with Iszy. You know Grandy, I think she can tell when I'm feeling good - she too has more energy. My little princess 🤗.

Grandy, your hair sounds gorgeous lovely lady. Blonde and curly 😊. I hope you are ok Grandy. .are you? I'm truly honoured to be your friend lovely lady. You are the kindest person I know. .brave, wise and so caring. You help and inspire me to keep going.

Please, you take good care lovely lady. Everyday I wish for happiness to come your way. ...

sending caring thoughts and comforting hugs beautiful lady.

Love Lee ❤ 🤗😻🐶🐶😻💓

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee..

Im so excited..did you pick up Zac today?..ohh I can’t wait to see if Izsy and Zac get on together and play kitty Kat games...I so hope they do😚..Now you will have a little princess and a little prince...

Wow the interview sounds intense 2 hours..my fingers are crossed for you dear friend..I really hope you get the job..and in a new building that’s so cool...

No my hair is yucky, so hard to manage when theirs dampness in the air..it becomes a frizzy wild bush😂..I usually tie it up when I go out..but thinking I should maybe cut it to shoulder length...Hmmm maybe..not sure yet...

Oh dear Lee..you have to keep going honey, because your my friend and I’d be devastated if anything ever happened to you...It’s strange isn’t it, that to be a friend we don’t need to meet, just to be there for each other is what friends are all about...

Take care of you beautiful lady, and when you feel up to it..I would love to hear how your fur family is getting on..

Sending you much love and caring hugs..🤗🤗💜💜..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

I did. OMG ...be still my beating heart 💓💓💓💓. He is adorable. Such a snuggle puss 🤗🤗🤗.

On the flip side, Iszy isn't handling him so good. Poor baby. She just needs time. I will post on your pet thread 😊

You have to keep going too my dear friend. I treasure your friendship so much and would be so lost without you. Yes, I agree, it is kind of strange how we don't need to meet to be friends. So true when you saythat just being there for each other is what friendship is all about..it's a sign of true friendship. Hope you are ok dear Grandy.

Sending you peaceful thoughts

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Dear lovely Lee..

The Love in your heart for both Izsy and Zac is so beautiful...You’re such a beautiful person dear friend..

I hope but I’m certain that Izsy will take to your new fur baby..I think it’s a matter of showing Izsy that she is still your princess...I remember when I kept one of Kyas puppies, she was so jealous for around a couple of weeks...but she is good now and Kya and Ebony cannot be separated they are constantly together..l😂 I’m pleased that we have two hands because if I pat one..I have to pat two..or theirs trouble because the other one sits theirvwith it’s big eyes just looking at me...

I can’t wait to hear about the joys of looking after your new baby fur and Izsy on the pet thread..only when you feel up to it...

How are you feeling within yourself dear friend..?...I hope you also have some sunshine in your soul..I hope today is a good day for you..

Sending you lots of love and heaps of hugs..💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy