I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Sorry to burden you too Tess..! Hope you're ok.

Love Lee

[Tess2]

Dear Lee,

you have certainly not burdened me. When you are feeling like that you need to talk about it, it is best to off load some of it. I know it is not like sitting with someone and speaking directly, but we are here an d listening to you.

the physical symptoms you describe also sound awful and will only be making you feel worse.

I had a fall outside today and cut above my eye and have swelling and bruising down the right side of my face. It is very sore and I don’t feel so good. My positive feelings are not going so well every day. I was ok for a few days but yesterday and today I am not doing so good.

The weather was lovely here today. That always helps. But I do feel low.

Keep in contact please

tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Tess,

Oh my goodness - how is your face today.?Are you injured anywhere else? I do hope you are ok. Sorry you're feeling down again Tess. It truly is the nature of the beast - depression. Your fall would have made you feel worse. Please be kind to yourself lovely lady.

Thank you for your kind words dear Tess. I truly appreciate it. I do hope you're ok. Take good care my dear friend.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Lee,

Please Lee, don’t ever think you burden me, you’re a special dear friend to me and I love being here for you sometimes I may not help but I like to try...

Tess is right you need to offload here that’s what he’s for.That’s why we are here to all try and help each other through a hard times. And if they’re good times be happy together.

I think loneliness is worse than depression it’s a deep soul hurting feeling that just doesn’t go away..I wish I had some good advice for you regarding loneliness. I’m feeling the same and I don’t know how to overcome it.. I think my cause of my loneliness is my anxiety. Stuck in the house six days a week not seeing anybody not talking to anybody except here it’s starting to hit me hard again. I’m trying to do all sorts sorts of things for distraction but nothing is working...

Are their different clubs that you can join that you have an interest in?..I’m sorry if I asked this question before to you I’m just thinking out aloud.I wish I was a better of help to you, dear friend....I’m sorry I’m not..

Tess, I hope you’re okay after your fall and you’re looking after yourself properly. I’m sorry you hurt yourself so much and I hope you heal quickly. My thoughts are with both of you you’re both very special ladies who deserve a lot better in life.

Sending you both some love and hugs I wish they were for real I really do. I hope your day was a good day today and you done something nice for yourself.

love and hugs beautiful ladies..💜💜🤗🤗...

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

You are always a huge help to me dear friend. Just you posting helps more than you may realise...you too Tess..

I agree Grandy that it is your anxiety that makes it so much worse for you. Hopefully the wellness team can help you more...! Returning a big warm hug and also wishing it was real.

I know I need to join a group or 2 or 3.....but I just can't or won't. I truly cannot put my finger on the exact reason why but I feel sick just at the thought. I previously mentioned 'park run' (walk it). I registered online printed off my barcode to bring along and set my alarm to get up....I couldn't bring myself to go....I don't want to introduce myself to more people. ..even though I probably wouldn't need to. All the same excuses come out, embarrassed, exhausting, fed up, no confidence etc etc. It's selfish I know. I need to help myself but I won't - that makes me feel worse.... big sigh!

I had a better day today - even with my tummy the way it is . And I know why. It was because I got to interact with a colleague, other than work and as well as. I so know that social interaction improves my mood and how I feel about myself. That is - one on one or smaller groups. It is kind of ironic isn't it?....silly, pathetic . It kind of sounds selfish saying it out loud but I don't and have never felt comfortable in groups. Sorry if I'm repeating myself.

Grandy and Tess, I truly hope you both had a better day today. Always in my thoughts my dear friends. ..

....Thank you .....

Love Lee xx

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Im sorry it’s been a while since I’ve visited you..I wasn’t in a good head space for a while..

It really is hard to join a group I can understand that because I’m the same, can’t or won’t it’s hard to know why we can’t/won’t..isn’t it?

Trying to help ourselves has to be a want to..if we don’t have that want we will never be able to..Sweety you have to try to turn those negatives around...You are a beautiful person who once you meet someone and warm to them show them your interested in them then a friendship could begin to grow..It’s okay about not going to the park run, maybe that’s not for you, are their some clubs like a bike riding club that you might get an interest in, because that way your in a group but your also riding your bike and not much talking involved unless you want to...maybe I’m thinking silly here, I don’t know..

I know I used to love walking along the edge of the water when I visited the beach, do you do walks along the beach regularly? Sorry if I asked you that before..

You said you had a better day because you interacted with a work colleague through work and after work, maybe that could happen more often for you..It’s not pathetic in just wanting just a few people in a group instead of heaps, I don’t even like a few...sonyour doing much better then me..

Not sure if my post makes much sense my mind is still foggy and tired, but I so much wanted to talk to you and let you know that I care very deeply for you..

I hope you have been feeling better since you last posted..Your in my thoughts dearest Lee quite often...

Havevyou picked up your new gorgeous little kitty yet..and how is Izsy going, I hope she is giving you lots of love and kisses..

Sending you much love and new bear hugs 💜💜💙. 🐻🤗🐻🤗..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Please don't ever be sorry for not posting dear friend. I know how much you're struggling and also know it's hard to find any words when struggling. I appreciate you posting and you're understanding Grandy 🙂

I walk on the beach for at least an hour, 5 days a week. I feel it when I don't - like today. But it's so windy still and for some reason I feel tired so am having a lazy Sunday. I'm not a fan of weekends - I seem to struggle.

I have been feeling pretty good these last few days. Today I'm a bit lower but I'm just 'accepting' the feeling and hope tomorrow will be better. Work has been busy and rewarding - I know these two factors help, along with social interaction. Grandy, that is a great suggestion - a cycling group. I will look into it. I did join a snorkelling group (pretty cool eh) but, unfortunately the oceans swell has kept us from going. I'm really looking forward to going.

Me just talking out loud......Speaking of the ocean, I went swimming the week before last (before the swell), To cut a long story short, I got sucked out by a wave and eventually swam back in. When sitting on the beach getting my breath back, I realised I had fought to save my life. It was automatic. The 'fight' response automatically kicked in without me realising. A few days later, I was (and still am ) thinking about it and I guess it means I really don't want to leave this world. The thought of disappointment was there but it was just a thought and a temporary thought at that. Maybe this is the reason I'm feeling more positive...I even felt positive going to my first psychologist appointment for the year. We're working on making 'connections' and improving my self esteem. ...big sigh! I finally found the courage to go to 'park run' on Saturday morning. The fact that my psychologist is investing in her time to help me, got me there, plus I kept saying to myself, 'I'm just going for a walk'. Despite me wanting to be physically sick whilst riding there, It was such a brilliant start to my Saturday. Later that day, I found myself getting back on to online dating....an even bigger sigh... Not sure if it's the right thing to do. Maybe I'm still fooling myself.. I just need to be true to myself and take it with a grain of salt so to speak. I'm not getting my hopes up, just putting myself out there...again. I still think life would be easier if I knew how to not want to be loved.... I'm not sure I even believe in love for me..

Lee ❤😃

[Tess2]

Wow lee

i am impressed it sounds like you are really trying to conquer your demons. Walks on the beach is great. So clearing for the soul. On line dating, you are much braver than I. Good for you. Do keep me up to date. Never lose hope for love. I am just not sure it is for me again. I have lots to do in my house and really should get on with it. The weather is lovely. But I feel like crying. Don’t know why. Someone , on another forum told me I am blunt, it has upset me somewhat. Do you think I am blunt?

tess

[Ggrand]

Dear Lovely Lee, Tess and all.

Lee your walks on the beach each day for an hour would be so relaxing, do you walk along the water getting you feet wet..I used to love doing that...

Your job is so very rewarding... being helpful to people who are unwell or elderly, that’s a hard job to do and I admire you so much for doing it..with your beautiful heart it suits you so well....

Online dating is a good way to meet people with your own interests I think that’s a good way to find and hopefully develop good friendships and...la little more I hope sweetheart...I’m a little like Tess as I am afraid of men and don’t think I’ll ever meet one I can trust..I know there are good ones out their but I’ve been hurt to much by them..l really hope that you can meet someone special for you..just never give up trying...please..

Oh no Lee, how terrifying that would have been for you..please just a gentle reminder to not swim in an isolated area....it’s scared how quick things can go wrong..im so very relieved and happy that you are okay...I believe that is the universe saying to you, that you are needed to be here sweetheart...A long time ago, i was driving my car and was to interested to wipe up the water under my feet after it got wet inside..I looked up in just enough time to steer away from an oncoming truck, I was in the wrong lane....Strange how things work, I have never forgotten that day and that was easily 40 years ago..That incident that happened to you in the water, when your feeling down try to remember what happened then and realise greater forces are around and they kept you safe...

Tess..I’ll answer your question to you..I did see it on the other and no I know you are not blunt at all...I value your input so much, please honey don’t let it bring you down..I know it hurts, I got hurt deeply hear by words...You always speak from your heart and insight and that’s what I like so much about you....Everyone speaks differently and gives different suggestions...Yours are always good suggestions.please don’t change who you are...Your loved by me, Lee and many more here...truth Tess not just words💜🤗...

Sending you both my love and warm comforting hugs..💜💜🤗🤗..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Tess,

Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry for late reply. ... how are you today. ...have the tears stopped?

Tess, I don't think you are blunt - honestly. That is the downside to these forums I think. One can read something that can be interpreted so differently and depending on how the reader feels. Also, too, I often think sometimes I can be short or even blunt when I'm really down and hurting whilst posting here. Readers should be aware of how the writer maybe feeling. I can tell by your words when you are struggling, but I have never thought you to be blunt. Please don't let it get you down dear friend. You are always so caring and I love that you see things as they are. It's you. I hope you are better today? Are you?

Thinking of you Tess,

Lee