I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Oh dear Grandy, I wish I was never born...so sorry to be negative - it's the reason I haven't posted...

Anyways, I did meet with Iszy's brother today. He is 6 weeks old, I named him Zac. Oh Grandy I was surrounded by 7 gorgeous kittens and mama cat. It was so beautiful. Google 'chocolate burmese kittens' and you will see. I will bring him home in around 5 or 6 weeks. Iszy will always be my girl - she's my living angel. I just adore her Grandy.

So sorry I haven't posted my dear friend . Been reading yours - I'm just not very positive atm.

Love you lovely lady. Sending you comforting returned hugs.

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

Im so very relieved to hear from you, I was so concerned about you..

Awe sweetheart I’m glad you were born so very much so, because if you weren’t I would never have come to get to know and love you...💙🦋..

I can imagine your excitement for your new fur family member, and Iszy is going to love him, and the fun you will have will be Mindfulness for you...

Im truely deeply sorry that you’re not feeling good, That’s okay about posting honey, It’s me I feel concern if I don’t hear from my friends on here..because I hit bottom a few times and it’s scarey where it takes us to...If you ever feel up to talking sweetheart, I’m always here for you..I hope you know that dear friend...

Sitting with you with your head resting on my shoulder and my arm around you...your in my thoughts a lot Lee,

Love you too dear friend...

Love and hugs beautiful Lee,

Grandy.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful lady,

How are you going, are you ok? What ya thinking and feeling my dear friend?

It's almost 12.30pm, finished work already. Am at the beach having an iced latte. I just want to cry 😢😢😢. But, I'm going for a walk then a swim. its hot but thankfully only averaging around 30 degrees unlike where you are. And of course there's always a breeze at the beach.

I'm sorry you're sad too Grandy. You deserve to be happy. Keep positive lovely lady. Thank you for being who you are Grandy.

Love Lee

[Tess2]

Hi lee,

I am so glad to see that you have posted. I have been worried about you and rightly so it seems. You sound very low, but the promise of a new kitten will bring new joy to your life I am sure. I have not been great either, and have been away for a family event in Melbourne. I am home now and going to bath my dogs today, they are a bit pongy!

I am determined to lift my game and try to be more positive about life and the future. I am not entirely sure how I am going to do this except by trying to keep busy and achieve something each day.

Please keep ok and look forward to Zac

tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Tess,

I have been thinking of you too. I read on yours that you were in Melbourne. I hope it all went ok? Sorry you're still struggling too Tess. You know, sometimes just having good intentions is an excellent start Tess, so please don't be too hard on yourself. As you tell us 'one foot in front of the other'.

Tess, I really notice the difference in me when I don't go for a walk...maybe a short walk around your yard to set off the endorphins (spelling? ?). 5mins into my walk I just had to stop sit and cry. I then got up and kept going.

Tess, what are your dogs names and what breed are they?

Please take good care Tess

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Thank you for your caring words..

I am sorry lee that you just wanted to cry, it’s okay to cry...if you feel to don’t hold them back just let them fall beautiful.....I hope you enjoyed your walk and then swim, and coffee latte..

How are you feeling today darling... I’m so much hoping being the weekend that you are doing something you like to do, which I know is swimming and walking along the beach...

I am going to do what you suggested our lovely Tess try to do..I’m going to walk around my back yard a few times and get some exercise and fresh air...it’s hot today but has a slight cool breeze....

I really hope you enjoy your weekend beautiful Lee..and you as well Tess if your reading....Much love to you both..

love and hugs everyone..💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

Grandy and Tess, it is so lovely to read you are both feeling positive, truly it is. Nurture that feeling with food and exercise and it will go from strength to strength. It's all the little things that make all the difference. 🌱.

I truly hope your mouth heals real soon Grandy.

I'm going ok.

Hugs and love to you both always

Lee

[Lee lee 73]

Ummmmmm.....actually.....I'm not ok 😢. Living is such a damn chore. I hate it. I do. For once I just want someone to sit next to me and give me a long hug. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong 😔😔.

My gut problem has flaired up again. Maybe my digestive system doesn't like chemicals. I'm bloated and 'all backed up' (for use of a better term). I had this issue for 5yrs when I was on a previous AD. Nothing seemed to relieve it. A gastroenterologist wasn't even able to help me... I'm so uncomfortable. ..and I'm a size 8 so I look (and feel) like I'm 6 months pregnant. I'm sorry, I just needed to tell someone.

Grandy, I meant to ask, were you able to manage a walk in your yard?

I hopeyour day was good Grandy. ..and Tess if you're reading.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Awe darling...I so much wish I could come and just sit next to you, and tell you that everything will be okay, then put my arms around you in the most caring, warm and soul warming cuddle that will make you feel loved and cared for.. and will help you release all those tears your holding back.......Keep your head on my shoulder sweetheart until those tears have dried up.....then stay longer and I’ll give you another warm hug......because you really are loved Lee, by me and others here...I know how much it’s not the same as if I was their for you...I wish I was..I so much need a long hug as well...

Oh I’m really sorry about what the meds are doing to you...I usually have “back up problems”..I have tried so many different things throughout the years, I now take 2 senna meds once a week.....Have been doing this for a few years now...helps me...Have you tried different types of remedies...poor darling I’m really sorry..Knowing how your feeling is horrible...Just a gentle reminder Lee, that we need to drink a lot of water in this weather, especially with the salty air taking the moisture out of the air....

This lot of the trial meds must be different from the last lot on the trials , you felt quite good through the last trials, this lot not so good..maybe make enquirers if the same med or not.....not sure..just thinking aloud..

Ummm no Lee, no walk in my yard....I know I should get outside, Just totally no motivation to do anything..just wake up then wait for night....

Please don’t be sorry Lee about putting how your feeling down on your thread, that’s what here is for.land if you don’t let us know we will never know how your feeling...

Please Lee, I so much relate to you when you say living is such a damn chore..It is hard to get by day by day, I know sweety, but I have hope...I will never loose my hope that tomorrow something nice is waiting for me..not sure which tomorrow it is..but yeah...it has to change...please believe and have faith in Your tomorrows beautiful Lee...

Look after yourself Lee and please keep talking here if and you you feel up to it..always here for you when I can be....

Love and a big long comforting cuddle, beautiful friend💜🤗🤗..

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Awwwwww thank you so much for your kind words and suggestions Grandy. I know you feel the same as I. I wish it were different for you dear friend.

I was thinking the same thing about the trial med Grandy. It is definitely the same med - no placebo is used. It has helped to a certain extent...but that's why I think for me now ...it's just loneliness.

It's soooooo hard motivating ourselves Grandy so please don't be hard on yourself. We just have to do what we can when we can. I wish I could give you a long comforting hug Grandy. ..I'm sorry to burden you dear friend. Thank you for being you beautiful lady. I love that you have hope.

Please you take good care too Grandy.

Sending you comforting hugs 🤗🤗.

Love Lee