I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Lee,

Firstly I’m really so very sorry that I haven’t been here for you...I’m really not feeling good about that because you have been supporting me and I haven’t been here for you...

Lee, darling..I can relate to your struggles and I’m sorry your struggling so much...It doesn’t seem fair that so many beautiful people like you, are so alone in this world...I am at a loss as to what to say to you but I do love and care for you dear friend, I know it is not the same as in real life but I hope it helps you just a little to feel less alone..🤗💚..

Hows your gorgeous kitty doing, and have you selected a new sibling for her?...

Lee, I still do the same as well write out posts then delete, but please sweety believe me, that a post posted from you is pure gold to anyone you post to, your heart is beautiful and it shows in your words....please try believe in you...

Much of what you have said is how I am, not asking for help, to afraid to speak at times and fending for myself..which I am not good at....Your doing an amazing job, you have a very rewarding job where you help your client to find some happy times and your caring for them, that takes SOMEONE very special..I wish you could see that and who we can see...

Im really saddened that your so sad, my heart hurts for you dear friend..I have offered to you before my open arms to hug you and my shoulders to cry on..may I offer them to you again as well as my heart.💚..Can I sit with you and just put my arm around you so you know just how strongly I care for you, and hold you hand as well please? It would be honour to do that for you...

Please let me give you a gentle reminder to be kind and caring to yourself because your an important friend to me and others here...

Big warm, caring and loving hugs Lee..🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗, and sending you lots of love 💚💚💚💚💚💚...peace🕊🕊🕊🕊...and hope 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈...l

Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Hello again Beautiful Lee...

A beautiful someone called Lee..

A special friend called Lee,
I know that everyone can see,
That Lee is so very special,
Very kind and very gentle,

Lee has a soul and heart of gold,
Her hands I love to hold,
To show how much of a someone she is,
A beautiful friend to me she is,

Lee thinks she is a no one,
No one doesn’t exist,
Lee is our friend a some one,
Who really does exist.

Her posts are warm and special,
Like her heart that’s so gentle,
Please believe us dear Lee,
Your someone very special.

Your my friend and others as well,
Beautiful, kind and so very gentle,
A someone I love with a magical spell,
To make others feel that their essential,

So beautiful Lee believe my words,
That your someone,
Not a no one,
Your in my heart,

And their you’ll stay,
because you light up my day...

Love and hugs..💜🤗..

Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Dear Grandy,

Grandy, I am truly lost for words...thank you for your beautiful poem to me. It touched my heart, knowing you wrote it for me, and taking the time to do so....thank you from the bottom of my heart dear friend....

No no no no no Grandy, you have nothing to be sorry for, please don't be sorry for not being able to post, I understand completely. I didn't expect you to and still don't, you needed to (and still need to) take time for yourself. You know what Grandy, I'm glad you didn't post as often, because, (for this reason only), tells me you are taking time for you. I truly mean that.

I'm ok, I'm in a hole but will be ok. I have been worse. I'm a little embarrassed about my post - was feeling sorry for myself - I'm good at that. I know what I need to do. I've been thinking heaps about what I need to do - positive changes (Tess). I need to accept the down days and know tomorrow is a different new day. Sounds all good today, yesterday and the days before were another story, but they are in the past. There are people who have it far worse than me. I applied for a job (and will apply for more) in an aged care facility. I think it is less isolating for me and perhaps more rewarding. And yes Grandy, I've finally decided to get another kitten. That itself is uplifting!!!!!!!

I hope you are going ok dear Grandy - thinking of you often...……..Thank you!

A big hello toy you too Tess - Hope things are ok.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Im pleased you liked the little poem I wrote for you, I was feeling your sadness and wanted you to know you are someone special to me....

Please don’t be feeling embarrassed about you post, that’s what it here for, feeling sorry for yourself I feel is a part a of depression that we all do at times, me included..

Im looking into your hole and have my hands outstretched to grab hold of you, so sweety grab hold and I will try my hardest to pull you out.. When we’re down we can’t see even a little past our depression, but they are phases we go through and we should try to remember that everyday isn’t a bad day, that tomorrow can be better...I have those words stuck on my fridge....so when I’m down it reminds me their ia tomorrow and it could be better....

Are you eating properly and getting enough sleep?..both very important to help our recovery...Hows the trial coming along, I get the feeling that they are not working as good as the last time you participated with them?..

I know you would be a very valuable asset to working in aged care units, with your gentle, caring and kind heart would be loved by the residence their..I hope you get something soon, my fingers are crossed for you sweety..

wow how absolutely heartwarming news about you adopting a little kitty, you will have loads of laughs playing with kitty, We had cats once and when they were kittens had great fun with homemade Pom poms, dangling from the doorways around our house...Kitty will give you much joy and love and I’m certain Iszy will nurture and love her heaps...two cats mean double the love will be coming your way....I’m just as excited as you are😁..

Im doing good Lee, I hope today is better for you then yesterday lovely friend and their is some light shining through your beautiful soul....I’ll send you some of my hope 🌈 Love and best wishes to you, I hope they help you...

Love and hugs 💚🤗.

Grandy👼.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

I didn't go to work today - I couldn't face the world. It's the 2nd time in 18 months that I have rang in sick. I just couldn't do it. Well actually, I contacted my team leader yesterday evening to let her know I won't be in. We have to call the night before so they can arrange for someone else to visit the clients.

The trial is going ok. I had treatment last Thursday. It has rested my mind and taken away my inner anger to a certain extent. The psychiatrist said there is always ups and downs with depression it's a matter of how we manage it. To be honest, I don't think I'm depressed, I'm just lonely.

I'm kind of sleeping and eating - thanks for asking Grandy. I cried most of Saturday and that night I took two sleepers (over the counter ones) thinking one wouldn't be enough - I struggled to keep my eyes open most of yesterday and I even slept last night. It's a good thing Iszy likes to sleep too.

I hope today is better for you also Grandy. Your words do help me beautiful friend - thank you.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Thats Okay about work, please don’t be hard on yourself, I understand so much about turning up for work when we’re depressed and sad, it’s okay Lee not to be okay....I managed work yesterday but I think the other girls wished I stayed at home, but I’m on my own outback and they didn’t have to nor did they come out back all of yesterday..I got through it just....

My Psychiatrists said the same that it’s all up n down and managing those down are important to do so earlier and quickest I can..it’s hard to do that because in depression downs, we loose the ability to think straight and we’ll begin to go with our depressed feeling...I’m trying hard to be more pro active earlier on....hard but able to do at times, my usual go to is a YouTube relation video, called weightless, it has little clouds moving around on the screen, it’s beautiful music and video with full concerntration help me..maybe you could try that or something similar...

Im so really sorry about your being alone may bring on depression....It’s something I can relate to so much...So many people around but no one to talk to, maybe those people walking around or sitting at the beach are lonely as well...we never know and it’s hard to just walk up to someone on their own and start talking to them....I wish I could have more ideas and able to help you more.....My loneliness I know can start triggering my c-ptsd so I try to keep busy now as best I can....Even though I had a husband and children I was incredibly lonely beacause at times I was invisible to my hubby and he totally and completely ignored my existence not talking or acknowledging I was there for months some times...Even with supposedly loved ones or friends we can feel lonely..I’m trying to like me and my own company more...now..

Maybe sweetheart a daily walk on the beach, same time each day and when the same people are their a happy hello might start a conversation up...even if you see the same walker daily the same could happen...My anxiety stops me from talking but I remember you saying you don’t have anxiety, maybe worth a try Lovely Lee...

How is your going today Lee, I hope so much that your feeling better then okay...A job in the aged care facility I feel you would be fantastic at with your kind and gentle heart, your sure to be a very special person to the residence and other workers there, don’t give up trying to get a job in that field if it’s what you want.....

Much love and many hugs.💚🤗🤗

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello beautiful Lee,

Ive been thinking about you today and thought I would call in and ask you RUOK?..No pressure to reply, just concern for you dear friend...

Are you having the outrageously hot weather we are having here in NSW?....I hope your doing better then okay and your day was a good day for you sweetheart...

love and hugs,💜💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy...

[Tess2]

Hi lee,

i hope you are a bit better than you were at the beginning of the week. Taking a day off if you just can’t face it and need the time is wise.

Tess

[Ggrand]

Hello Beautiful Lee,

Im just popping in to ask if your feeling okay?...I get concerned about my friends when I don’t see any posts from them and as your a friend I’m concerned about you....No pressure to post at all....

Have you been walking at all along the beach, with your earphones in?...I know you like doing that in times of feeling depressed...

Please sweety I really hope you are okay, sitting with you in silence until you feel up to letting me/us know how your feeling...

Much love and hugs..

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

RUOK?...

sending you as many hugs as you need sweetheart..🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗. ..and also my love 💙💜💙💜..

Still sitting with you in silence until your feeling up to posting again...

much love and hugs,

Grandy..